A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways".

Mom fainted.

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Flattery will get you everywhere!

LMAO.

TY for the laugh

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I needed that *giggle*

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Sanity is only an optional extra

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "OK, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens... look at what it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And since I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start?" The young rooster says, "Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you." They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and...BOOM! He shoots the young rooster dead. He shakes his head gloomily and says to his wife! "Dag nab it, that's the third gay rooster I bought this week!"

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I'm your Huckleberry.

A College professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first-graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of Lifesaver, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say:
"Red..................cherry",
"Yellow...............lemon",
"Green................lime",
"Orange...............orange".
Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well, he said, I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out, and yelled,

"Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!"

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Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out
of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and
urging her to get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after
dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there, she undresses, as he does. There she stood, nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, and he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?"
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore,
but down there I am still in mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

The following night, the same scenario. She's standing there with the
black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that on his
erection he sports a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

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Minds are like parachutes. They only work when they are open.

~Thomas Dewar~

Too funny people!

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Flattery will get you everywhere!

Hehe.

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Happiness is Bunny Shaped

My Stories:One Hot July Allison's Seduction Olivia's Journey

"A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me ... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.' Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?' The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.' Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.' He held her hand and said, 'Second, Let's have a cup of coffee, and then let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.' "

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CAPTIVATE MY ATTENTION, POSSESS MY BODY, INVADE MY MIND, ROCK MY WORLD AND, CALL ME "YOUR" BITCH... YOU KNOW MY HUNGER, YOU OWN MY DESIRE, YOU HAVE MY WILL, TAKE ME BABY... DIVINE PLEASURE

LOL! OMG! Thats is great!

As a blonde I love all new blonde jokes.

~babybunny~

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Happiness is Bunny Shaped

My Stories:One Hot July Allison's Seduction Olivia's Journey

LOL...i thought it was kinda cute

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CAPTIVATE MY ATTENTION, POSSESS MY BODY, INVADE MY MIND, ROCK MY WORLD AND, CALL ME "YOUR" BITCH... YOU KNOW MY HUNGER, YOU OWN MY DESIRE, YOU HAVE MY WILL, TAKE ME BABY... DIVINE PLEASURE

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

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CAPTIVATE MY ATTENTION, POSSESS MY BODY, INVADE MY MIND, ROCK MY WORLD AND, CALL ME "YOUR" BITCH... YOU KNOW MY HUNGER, YOU OWN MY DESIRE, YOU HAVE MY WILL, TAKE ME BABY... DIVINE PLEASURE

The Perfect Couple

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman
met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was
driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they
noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being
the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa
Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint
any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple
loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they
were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the
perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only
one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Scroll down for the answer.
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Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who
really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there
is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a
perfect man.
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*** Women stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.
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So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the
woman must have been driving. This explains why
there was a car accident.
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By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading,
this illustrates another point:

Women never listen.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

ROFL
LMAO

That's about the only thing that can describe those jokes.....