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1. A woman whispers "Fuck me
now, big boy..." In your ear. She is obviously:
a) Short sighted.
b) Attempting to overcome a lack of self
esteem through meaningless sexual gratification.
c) Begging for it.
d) A telephone recording.
2. In the company of feminists, coitus
should be referred to as:
a) Sex.
b) Fucking.
c) Enclosure.
d) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town.
3. You should make love to a woman
for the first time only after you�ve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from
a sexual relationship.
b) Your Blood-test results.
c) A cab.
d) Five tequila slammers.
4. You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first.
b) You both climax simultaneously.
c) The director can set up for a close-up.
d) You don�t miss Sportsnight.
5. Passionate, spontaneous sex on
the kitchen floor is:
a) Strictly for cats.
b) Healthy, creative love-play.
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend
would agree to.
d) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend
need ever find out about.
6. Spending the whole night cuddling
a woman you�ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience.
b) The second best part of the experience.
c) A loathsome chore.
d) $100 extra.
7. Your girlfriend says she�s gained
two kilos in weight in the last month. You tell her that
it is:
a) No concern of yours.
b) No barrier to her finding a new boyfriend.
c) No problem - she can join your gym.
d) A conservative estimate.
8. Today�s sensitive, caring man is:
a) An ideal to which you aspire.
b) A myth.
c) An oxymoron.
d) A moron.
9. Your girlfriend announces that
she is pregnant. Do you:
a) Take her in your arms and say: "Oh
darling, this is the happiest day of my life..."
b) Take her to bed and say: "I might
as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb..."
c) Take her to the abortion clinic.
d) Take her phone number and tell her you�ll
get back to her.
10. A prostitute is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and
social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
11. A wife is:
a) A victim of male dominated society and
social oppression.
b) Someone who provides an essential service.
c) A cheap date.
d) A valued employee.
12. Masturbation is:
a) Sex with someone you love.
b) A healthy exploration of your erogenous
zones.
c) A team sport.
d) A cheap date.
13. How can you tell when your partner
has an orgasm?
a) When she drops her nail file.
b) When she goes the colour of Man Utd�s
home strip (or a Chicago Bulls uniform).
c) When the Earth moves.
d) Who cares?
14. It is the day after a one-night
stand. Do you:
a) Call her.
b) Call your lawyer.
c) Call your doctor.
d) Call your wife.
15. Which of the following lines best
fits into your ideal role-playing sexual fantasy:
a) "Frankly Scarlett, I don�t give
a damn..."
b) "I�ve got a nasty swelling down
here, Nurse..."
c) "You�re a lovely, fluffy little
sheep...."
d) "Another consonant please Carol...."
16. You take a woman out to dinner
and the bill comes to $300. Do you expect:
a) An overdraft.
b) A blow job.
c) Her to pay next time.
d) A thank-you letter.
17. You call your penis:
a) John Thomas.
b) Terry-Thomas.
c) Massive.
d) On its birthday.
18. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Priming is to painting.
b) Appetiser is to entree.
c) Trailer is to feature.
d) A queue is to an amusement park ride.
19. The slogan that sums up your sexual
mores is:
a) Free Lorena Bobbitt.
b) Free Mike Tyson.
c) Free Willy.
d) Free condom with this survey.
20. During sex you:
a) Haggle.
b) Talk dirty.
c) Talk of love.
d) Talk on the phone.
21. Your local MP (Mayor) is involved
in a lurid sex scandal. You are:
a) Outraged.
b) Implicated.
c) Jealous.
d) A Labour voter anyway.
22. A woman who consents to having
sex with you when she is drunk is:
a) Easier.
b) Unfortunately probably incapable of rational
judgement.
c) Fortunately probably incapable of rational
judgement.
d) A tricky defence in court.
23. Which of the following are you
most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population:
you."
c) "I�m not in right now. Please leave
a message after the tone...."
d) "Keep the change."
24. At what point do you put on the
condom?:
a) Before you go out.
b) Before you pass out.
c) As a party trick.
d) Never.
25. You wake to find your partner
clutching your penis in one hand and a carving knife in
the other. Do you:
a) Talk through her anger.
b) Shout "Look behind you!" and
make a run for it.
c) Ask her to put down the offensive weapon.
d) Ask her to put down the knife.
26. A woman who is uncomfortable watching
you masturbate:
a) Is uptight and a waste of time.
b) Probably needs a little more time before
she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
c) May need glasses.
d) Shouldn�t have sat next to you on the
bus in the first place.
27. You�ve just had the most amazing
and satisfying sex of your entire life. What is the first
thing you do?
a) Call your mates
b) Wake up.
c) Write a letter to Playboy Magazine
d) Call your wife and tell her you�ll be
home late
28. You consider sex quizzes such
as this to be:
a) Puerile, idiotic - but fun.
b) Proof of your ideological superiority
over craven would be surveyors such as myself.
c) Difficult to read.
d) Not quite as funny as a flu jab.
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