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One basic truth:
Men and women are different.
Now, this may seem a little simplistic,
but the fact is, for a period of about six months in 1973,
it was very fashionable to believe that we were all persons
first, and members of our gender second.
This, of course, was so much hooey.
We are different�in our habits, and
in the way we react to environmental stimuli and the way
we spend our leisure time; and we are especially different
when it comes to our attitudes regarding relationships.
My personal observations have uncovered
many significant differences between men and women.
RELATIONSHIPS
First of all, a man does not call a
relationship. He
refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going
out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, �that time when
me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis.�
When a relationship ends, a woman will
cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she
will write a poem titled �All Men are Morons.�
Then she will get on with her life.
A man has a little more trouble letting
go. For six
months, his ex may not hear from him, but then, at three
on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say,
�I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I�ll
never forgive you, and I hate you, and you�re a total bitch.
But I want to let you know there�s always a chance
for us.�
This is known as the �I Hate You/I
Love You� drunken phone call.
Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21
have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to
help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely
prove effective.
SEX
Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay.
Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if
at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place
is considered a part of foreplay.
MATURITY
Women mature at a much faster rate
than men. Most
17 year old females can function as adults.
Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball
cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class.
This is why high school romances rarely work.
HATS
Women look good in hats; men look like
idiots.
GROCERIES
A woman knows how to shop for groceries.
She makes a list of the things she needs, and then
goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis.
He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator
are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime.
Then he goes grocery shopping. A
man buys everything that looks good.
By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his
cart is packed tighter than the Clampett�s car on the Beverly
Hillbillies. Of
course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items
or less lane.
MAGAZINES
Men�s magazines often feature pictures
of naked ladies. Women�s magazines also feature pictures
of naked ladies. This
is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while
the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen
by the light of day.
Men are turned on at the sight of a
naked woman�s body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.
HANDWRITING
To their credit, men do not decorate
their penmanship. They just chickenscratch.
Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot
their �i�s� with circles and hearts.
Women use ridiculously large loops in their �p�s�
and �g�s.� It
is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she�s
dumping you, she�ll put a smiley face at the end of the
note.
COMEDY
Let�s say a small group of men and
women are in a room, watching television, and an episode
of the Three Stooges comes on.
Immediat4ely, the men will get very excited; they
will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions
of Curly, man�s favorite stooge.
The women will roll their eyes and
groan and wait it out.
BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom:
a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor,
a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in a typical American
women�s bathroom is 437.
A man would not be able to identify most of these
items.
Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve
themselves. Women�s Restrooms always have long lines.
GOING OUT
When a man says he is ready to go out,
it means he is ready to go out.
When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means
she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring,
makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren�t looking,
men kick cats.
SHOES
When preparing for work, a woman will
put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers.
She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from
Saks. When
a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five
minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are
under t4he desk. A
man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.
LEG WARMERS
Leg warmers are sexy.
A woman, even if she�s walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers.
She can wear them any time she wants. A
man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the
�Gimme the Ball� number in A Chorus Line.
MIRRORS
Men are vain; they will check themselves
out in the mirror.
Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections
in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters,
Joe Garagiola�s head.
MENOPAUSE
When a woman reaches menopause, she
goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological,
and biological changes.
The nature and degree of these changes varies with
the individual. Menopause
in a man provokes a uniform reaction --- he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves,
and goes shopping for a Porsche.
THE TELEPHONE
Men see the telephone as a communication
tool. They
use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and
upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they
will talk for three hours.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children.
A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and hopes and dreams.
Every year, men have to be reminded of his children�s
birthdays.
LOW BLOWS
Let�s say a man and a woman are watching
a boxing match on television.
One of the figures is felled by a low blow.
The woman says, �Oh gee! That must of hurt�. The
man doubles over and actually feels the pain.
DIRECTION
If a woman is out driving, and she
finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop
at a gas station and ask for directions.
Men consider this to be a sign of weakness.
Men will never stop and ask for directions.
Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while
saying things like, �Looks love I�ve found a new way to
get there.� and, �I know I�m in the general neighborhood.
I recognize
that White Hen store.�
ADMITTING MISTAKES
Women will sometimes admit making a
mistake. The
last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.
RICHARD GERE
Women like Richard Gere because he
is sexy in a dangerous way.
Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of
that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only
married women.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to:
go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
NICKNAMES
With the exception of female body builders,
who call each other names like �Ultimate Pecs� and �Big
Turk,� women eschew the use of nicknames.
If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together
for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah,
and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out
for a brewski, they will affectionately4 refer to one another
as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.
TOYS
Little girls love to play with toys.
Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose
interest. Men
never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly
and impractical. Examples
of men�s toys: little
miniature TV�s. Car
phones. Complicated
juicers and blenders.
Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command.
Video games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least
6 �D� batteries to operate.
PLANTS
A woman asks a man to water her plants
while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants.
The woman comes home five or six days later to an
apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
MOUSTACHES
Some men look good with mustaches.
Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.
DAVID LETTERMAN
Men think David Letterman is the funniest
man on the face of the Earth.
Women think he is a mean, semidorky guy who always
has a bad haircut.
CAMERAS
Men take photography very seriously.
They�ll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment,
and build dark rooms and take photography classes.
Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.
Of course women always end up taking better pictures.
LOCKER ROOMS
In the locker room men talk about three
things: money,
football, and women, They exaggerate about money, they don�t
know football nearly as well as they think they do, and
they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk
about one thing in the locker room�sex.
And not in abstract terms, either.
They are extremely graphic and technical, and they
never lie.
LAUNDRY
Women do the laundry every couple of
days. A man
will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his
surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago,
before he will do the laundry.
When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain
of dirty clothes to the Laundromat.
Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the
Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns
of Love American Style.
POLITICS
Men love to talk politics, but often
they forget to do political things such as voting.
Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedy�s
is growing up and getting into politics because they will
be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.
WEDDINGS
When reminiscing about weddings women
talk about �the ceremony.�
Men talk about �the bachelor party.�
CHEERLEADERS
Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy,
fresh, and all American.
Male cheerleaders are scary.
SOCKS
Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks.
Women wear strange socks.
Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks
that are cut way below their ankles.
socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.
GARAGES
Women use garages to park their cars
and store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things.
They hang license plates in garages, and they watch
TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
garages.
MOVIES
For women their favorite movie scene
is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time
in Gone With the Wind.
For men it�s when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit
in may Clark�s face in Public Enemy.
NUDITY IN MOVIES
Every actress in the history of movies
has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies
has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is
Richard Gere. This
is another reason why men hate him.
JEWELRY
Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
A man can get away with wearing one ring and that�s
it. Any more
than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL
Colored underwear.
Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored
underwear. There
is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides
solid white.
MATERIALS DATA SHEET - WOMAN:
ELEMENT: Woman
Symbol:Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass:
Accepted as 118, but known to vary from 100 to 160
lbs Occurence: Copius quantities in all urban Areas.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1)
Surface often covered with painted film
2)
Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3)
Melts if given special treatment.
4)
Bitter if incorrectly used.
5)
Found in various states ranging from virgin metal
to common ore.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1)
Has great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and
other precious stones.
2)
Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances
3)
May spontaneously explode if left with male.
4)
Insoluble in liquids: activity greatly increased
by saturation with alcohol.
5)
Most powerful money reducing agent known to man.
COMMON USES
1)
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2)
Can be a great aid to relaxation.
TESTS
1)
Pure specimin turns a rosy pink when discovered in
natural state.
2)
Turns a green colour when placed beside a better
specimin.
HAZARDS
1)
Highly dangerous - except in experienced hands!
2)
Illegal to posses more than one!
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