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1. Don't call. EVER.
2. If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun
to let her figure it out by herself.
3. Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic
and unoriginal, such as "spike"
4. If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell
them you already gave it to them.
5. Play with yourself as often as possible. Tell everyone
about it.
6. Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer,
a grunt will do.
7. Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter
what, it isn't your fault.
8. Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women
than showers.
9. Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help
--- don't ask. People will think you have no penis.
10. Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
11. If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone,
use only monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are
permissible.
12. Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write
his name in urine.
13. One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after
her best friend. She will then see what she's missing and
love you for not giving up on her.
14 . Deny everthing. Everything.
15. If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about
her. Especially female friends you suspect may have a crush
on you. (Probably all of them --- you're a man remember?)
They really
want to know.
16. No means yes.
17. Yes means no.
18. If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will
shrivel.
19. You may get sick or even die. This is one of the most
important rules.
20. If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions
and locations.
21. Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak,
sex often signifies the end of a relationship.
22. Feelings? What feelings?
23. Life is one big competition. If someone is better than
you at something, either pretend it's not true or kick their
ass.
24. DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are
backed into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If
you still must come up with an answer, leave yourself a
loophole for escape. Example:
Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic
dinner?"
Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce
each day."
25. Every sentence that anyone says can be twisted to have
sexual meaning. Twist.
26. At any given opportunity, point out how things look
like various genitalia. (If, by chance, you have Play-Doh,
make sure you make a replica of your penis. Exagerate the
dimensions).
27. "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even
think about saying it.
28. A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy
you completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
29. Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her
back. Diss her again..
30. Apologize whenever it's expected. NEVER mean it.
31. If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
32. Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget
trivial things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and
eye color.
33. Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they
can't see you.
34. Play with your food only if you are in a public place
with people you don't know.
35. Play with your penis only if you are in a public place
with people you don't know.
35. If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are
doing, DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
36. You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born experienced.
37. You are male, therefore you are superior.
38. Agenda for a typical evening: Get beer. Drink beer.
Play with yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
39. Females do not care what you do to them as long as they
get to please you.
40. If you're going out with someone but you love someone
else, don't say anything. Wait until the girl you are going
out with falls in love with you, and THEN tell her.
41. Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
42. Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
43. If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technicallyyou've
done nothing wrong.
44. Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what
do you have to cry about, anyway?
45. If the question begins with "why," the answer
is "I don't know."
46. Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
47. Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
48. Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement.
Laugh long, laugh loud, laugh heartily.
49. If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about
how hard it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this
huge favour you've done for them at least every 5 minutes
for the rest of their life.
50. If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't
want to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still
doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
51. Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never
want to speak to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy
image if you are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be
your friend.
52. If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation,
tell the girl how many different dorms you've been laid
in.
53. Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going
to leave for a few minutes and when you come back, you want
her naked, sprawled on the bed. Leave,and go into her dad's
room and
tell him he should go check on his daughter. Then drive
like hell.
54. If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love
with someone else, she has no right to be upset. Because,
you know, SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
55. The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty
girls on top.
56. Default facial expression: blank stare.
57. Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove
them up your butt. Then, whenever you need a good excuse,
you can pull it out of your ass.
58. Don't listen to "pussy music" like Erasure,
Color Me Badd, or Oldies.
59. Beer. Then more beer.
60. One word: FOOTBALL!
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