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1.
Women love to shop.
It is the one area of the world where they feel like
they�re actually in control.
2.
Women especially love a bargain.
The question of �need� is irrelevant, so don�t bother
pointing it out. Anything on sale is fair game.
3.
Women never have anything to wear.
Don�t question the racks of clothes in the closet;
you �just don�t understand�.
4.
Women need to cry.
And they won�t do it alone unless they know you can
hear them.
5.
Women will always ask questions that have no right
answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.
6.
Women love to talk.
Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to
fill it, even if they have nothing to say.
7.
Women need to feel like there are people worse off
than they are.
That�s why soap
operas and Oprah Winfrey-type shows are so successful.
9.
Women hate bugs.
Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when
there�s a spider or a wasp involved.
10.
Women can�t keep secrets.
They eat away at them from the inside.
And they don�t view
it as being untrustworthy, providing they only tell two
or three people.
11.
Women always go to public restrooms in groups.
It gives them a chance to gossip.
12.
Women can�t refuse to answer a ringing phone, no
matter what she�s doing. It might be the lottery calling.
13.
Women never understand why men love toys.
Men understand that they wouldn�t need toys if women
had an �on/off� switch.
14.
Women think all beer is the same.
15.
Women keep three different shampoos and two different
conditioners in the shower.
16.
After a woman showers, the bathroom will smell like
a tropical rain forest.
17.
Women don�t understand the appeal of sports.
Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape
reality. Women
seek entertainment that reminds them of how horrible things
could be.
18.
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he�ll pack five
days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice; if
a woman goes on a seven-day trip she�ll pack 21 outfits
because she doesn�t know what she�ll feel like wearing each
day.
19.
Women brush their hair before bed.
21.
Women are paid less than men, except for Modeling.
22.
Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the
mans responsibility, �It�s there in the bible�. hmmm who
was it that gave Adam the apple?
23.
Women do not know anything about cars. �Oil-stick,
oil doesn�t stick?�
24.
Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs
and red carpet.
25.
The average number of items in a typical woman�s
bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.
26.
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren�t looking,
men kick cats.
27.
Women love to talk on the phone.
A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and
upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they
will talk for three hours.
28.
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get
the mail.
30.
Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid
the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.
31.
Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question,
�How do I look?�
32.
PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter.
(Or at least men think it means that. PMS also stands
for Punish My Spouse.
33.
The first naked man woman see is �Ken�.
36.
Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making
one left-hand turn.
37.
�Oh, nothing,� has an entirely different meaning
in woman-language than it does in man-language.
38.
Lewis Carroll�s Caterpillar had nothing on women.
39.
Women cannot use a map without turning the map to
correspond to the direction that they are heading.
40a
All women are overweight by definition, don�t argue
with them about it.
40b
All women are overweight by definition, don�t agree
with them about it.
41.
If it is not Valentines day, and you see a man in
a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation
by asking, �What did you do?�
42.
Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them
clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the responsibilities
that go with those rights.
43.
Only women understand the reason for �guest towels�
and the
�good china�.
46.
Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting.
This will get men arrested.
47.
Women don�t really care about a sense of humor in
a guy despite claims to the contrary.
You don�t see womens trampling over Tom Cruise to
get to Gilbert Gottfried do you?
Facts about men:
1.
Men like to barbecue.
Men will cook if danger is involved.
2.
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for
marriage.
They�ve experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
3.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera,
for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you
go to the bathroom. Most
of my husband�s early films end with a scream and a flush.
4.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance
of �rich� usually cancels out the nice of �bald.�
5.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible.
In a world where there are more women than men, it
pays to recycle.
6.
Men are very confident people.
My husband is so confident that when he watches sports
on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can
help his team. If
the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our
living room, and if they�re really in trouble, I have to
get off the phone in case they call him.
7.
If it�s attention you want, don�t get involved with
a man during play-off season.
8.
Men like phones with lots of buttons.
It makes them feel important.
9.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in
the morning. Not
being the first is upsetting to their psyches.
10.
All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals.
11.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell
you if he can ever care about anyone else.
12.
Don�t try to teach men how to do anything in public.
They can learn in private; in public they have to
know.
13.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
14.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers.
I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
15.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner.
These men usually have jobs and bathe.
16.
Men love watches with multiple functions.
My husband has one that is a combination address
book, telescope and piano.
17.
All men hate to hear �We need to talk about our relationship.�
These seven words
strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf.
18.
Men are sensitive in strange ways.
If a man has built a fire and the last log does not
burn, he will take it personally.
19.
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not
brave enough to get a bikini wax.
20.
All men think that they�re nice guys.
Some of them are not.
Contact me for a
list of names.
21.
Men don�t get cellulite.
God might just be a man.
22.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits.
Women have two types: depressing and more depressing.
Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
23.
Men have higher body temperatures than women. If
your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next
to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
24.
Women take clothing much more seriously than men.
I�ve never seen a man walk into a party and say �Oh,
my God, I�m so embarrassed; get me out of here.
There�s another man wearing a black tuxedo.�
25.
Most men hate to shop.
That�s why the men�s department is usually on the
first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.
26.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains
three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.
27.
If you�re dating a man who you think might be �Mr.
Right,� if he a) got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited
a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise.
The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons
and butterflies.
28.
Men own basketball teams.
Every year cheerleaders� outfits get tighter and
briefer, and players� shorts get baggier and longer.
29.
No man is charming all of the time.
Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he
could be Cary Grant.
30.
When four or more men get together, they talk about
sports.
31.
When four or more women get together, they talk about
men.
32.
Not one man in a beer commercial has a beer belly.
33.
Men are less sentimental than women.
No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice,
voluntarily.
34.
Most women are introspective: �Am I in love?
Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?�
Most men are outrospective: �Did my team win? How�s
my car?�
35.
If a man says, �I�ll call you,� and he doesn�t, he
didn�t forget... he
didn�t lose your number... he didn�t die. He just didn�t
want to call you.
36.
Men hate to lose.
I once beat my husband at tennis.
I asked him, �Are we going to have sex again?�
He said, �Yes, but not with each other.�
37.
Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight
should do it out of sight of women.
38.
Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity
is a problem.
�Get out� and �I
never want to see you again� might sound like a challenge.
If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, �I love
you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children.�
Sometimes they leave skid marks.
39.
Men accept compliments much better than women do.
Example:
�Mitch, you look
great.� Mitch:�Thanks.� On
the other side:�Ruth, you look great.� Ruth: �I do? Must be the lighting.�
40.
Impulse buying is not macho.
Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.
41.
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
42.
Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how
complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when
she�s wearing a jumpsuit.
43.
Men don�t feel the urge to get married as quickly
as women do because their clothes all button and zip in
the front. Women�s
dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men
emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us
get dressed.
44.
Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying
with superheros. Women have bad self-images because they
grow up identifying with Barbie.
45.
When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that
feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight.
When a man tries something from his closet that feels
tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.
46.
Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause.
With female menopause you gain weight and get hot
flashes. Male
menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.
47.
Men forget everything; women remember everything.
48.
That�s why men need instant replays in sports.
They�ve already forgotten what happened.
49.
Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less
like monotony.
50. All men would still
really like to own a train set.
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