It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,

"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, 'My dear child, why are you crying?' The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.


'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked The seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

'Is this your thimble?' the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, 'No.'
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

'Is this your thimble ?' the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, 'Yes.' The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, 'Why are you crying?' 'Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!'

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. 'Is this your husband?' the Lord asked.

'Yes,' cried the seamstress. The Lord was furious. 'You lied! That is an untruth!' The seamstress replied, 'Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split £7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels Looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like A water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with A perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the Next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of My next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Sprung!!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

@ DM! That's terrific.

> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources
> >> Director
> >>
> >> TO: All Employees
> >>
> >> DATE: October 01, 2007
> >>
> >> RE:
> >> Christmas Party
> >>
> >> I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
> >> place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room
> >> at the Grill House.
> >>
> >> There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
> >> band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
> >>
> >> And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up as Santa Claus!
> >>
> >> A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchange of gifts among
> >> employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over
> >> $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This
> >> gathering is only for employees!
> >>
> >> Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
> >>
> >> Merry Christmas to you and your family.
> >>
> >>
> >> Patty
> >>
> >> ************************************************** *
> >>
> >>
> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> TO: All
> >> Employees
> >>
> >> DATE: October 02, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: Holiday Party
> >>
> >> In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish
> >> employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which
> >> often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
> >> However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
> >>
> >> The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians
> >> or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
> >>
> >>
> >> There will be no Christmas tree. No Christmas carols sung.
> >>
> >>
> >> We will have other types of music. Happy now?
> >>
> >> Happy Holidays
> >> to you and your family.
> >>
> >> Patty
> >>
> >>
> >> ************************************************** ***
> >>
> >> FROM:
> >> Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> TO: All Employees
> >>
> >> DA TE:
> >> October 03, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: Holiday Party
> >>
> >>
> >> Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
> >> requesting a nondrinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm
> >> happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table
> >> that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
> >> supposed to handle this?
> >> Somebody?
> >>
> >> Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
> >> the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
> >> believe $ 10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE
> >> ALLOWED.
> >>
> >> ************************************************** ***
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> To: All
> >> Employees
> >>
> >> RE: Holiday Party
> >>
> >>
> >> What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
> >> the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
> >> during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can
> >> appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate
> >> our Muslim employees'
> >> beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
> >> until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to
> >> take it home in
> >> little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
> >>
> >> Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
> >> farthest from The dessert buffet and pregnant w omen will get the
> >> table closest to the rest-rooms.
> >>
> >>
> >> Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
> >> with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be
> >> flower arrangement for the Gay men's table. To the person asking
> >> permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed though.
> >>
> >> We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
> >> available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
> >> food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
> >> first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the
> >> restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts.
> >> Sorry!
> >>
> >> Did I miss anything?!?!?
> >>
> >> ************************************************
> >>
> >>
> >> FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> TO: All F****** Employees
> >>
> >> DATE: October 05, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: The F****** Holiday Party
> >>
> >>
> >> Vegetarian pricks I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
> >> this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can
> >> sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you
> >> so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f****** salad bar, including
> >> organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings, too. They
> >> scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
> >> scream right NOW!
> >>
> >> I hope you all have a rotten holiday!
> >>
> >> Drive drunk and die,
> >>
> >> The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
> >>
> >>
> >> *********************** **********************
> >>
> >> FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
> >>
> >> DATE: October 06, 2007
> >>
> >> RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
> >>
> >> I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
> >> recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the
> >> meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
> >> everyone the afternoon of the 23 RD off with full pay.
> >>
> >> Happy Holidays!
> >>
> >> Joan

How did you find out about our staff Xmas party?

BTW, the 23rd is a Sunday LOL

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2007:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today:
'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow'

Got this from my aunt....
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it
is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which
almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote 'The
Hokie Pokey' died peacefully at the age of 83. The most traumatic part
for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg
in. And then the trouble started...
Shut up. You know it's funny.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered

'Interesting,' the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those
years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered
proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in
her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a
preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

__________________
it's only kinky the first time

it's not the orgasm but getting there thats fun

a shot in the bush is worth two in the hand

whip me, beat me, tie me up, break my arm, but please don't break my heart

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid people are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" -Bertrand Russell

Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I would taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store it was less a walk than a lumber.
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rare,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, "None for me, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as only I can
"You can't spend another winter disguised as a man!"
So -- away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie -- not even a lick.
I'll chew only on long celery sticks.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, life's no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light,
but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't
emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark
Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove
that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are
in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is
elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity
to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much
greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once
they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven
by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white
wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns
black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it.
If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle,
it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the
dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of
these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs
can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided
by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full,
it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable
Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction
from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch
an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem
as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through
clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore
it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just
below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light.
If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice
it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you
would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark
sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats
at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you
were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet,
and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly
enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be
able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark
Sucker.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Well, that's gonna put another kink into Einstein's Theory...

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Dang I never knew Einstein was kinky.

__________________
it's only kinky the first time

it's not the orgasm but getting there thats fun

a shot in the bush is worth two in the hand

whip me, beat me, tie me up, break my arm, but please don't break my heart

"The trouble with the world is that the stupid people are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt" -Bertrand Russell