A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
about to shoot when he
hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to
prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!

He hits it 10 inches from the
cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the
man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know
what to say. By the end
of the day, the man golfed the
best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.
" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man
asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."

Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man
figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies,
"Ribbit KissMe."He figures why not,
since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl
ended up in my room. So help me God
or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

A man was sitting in a bar, clearly distraught.

The bartender asked him what the matter was.

He loked at the barman and said,

"January 19th my mother died, leaving me $75,000."

"Rough." said the barman.

"February 16th, my favourite aunt died, leaving me $100,000."

"Bad." said the barkeep.

"March my father died, leaving me the house and a million bucks."

"Very rough, two parents in three months."

"This month, nothing!"

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old
>pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
>
>One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat
>down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
>
>"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,"
>said one boy.
>
>Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
>
>Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.
>As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
>cemetery.
>
>He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard,
>"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."
>
>He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike
>and rode off.
>
>Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane,
>hobbling along.
>
>"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe
>what I heard!
>
>Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up
>the souls."
>
>The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for
>me to walk."
>
>When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to
>the cemetery.
>
>Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for
>me. One for you, one for me."
>
>The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been telling' me
>the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord."
>
>Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet
>were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped
>the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they
>tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
>
>At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all, so
>
>let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.
>
>They say the old man made it back to town a full 5
>minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

PETS
>>
>>To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
>>
>>Dear Dogs and Cats,
>>
>>The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
>>dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
>>the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
>>your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
>>slightest.
>>
>>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
>>to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
>>faster than you can run.
>>
>>I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
>>this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
>>comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
>>It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
>>the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
>>and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
>>but sarcasm.
>>
>>For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
>>some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
>>necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
>>the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
>>I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
>>feline attendance is not required.
>>
>>The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
>>cannot stress this enough!
>>
>>To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
>>front door:
>>
>>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
>>
>>1. They live here. You don't.
>>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture!
>>(That's why they call it "fur"nature.)
>>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
>>4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
>>short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
>>
>>Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
>>1. Eat less
>>2. Don't ask for money all the time
>>3 Are easier to train
>>4. Normally come when called
>>5. Never ask to drive the car
>>6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
>>7. Don't smoke or drink
>>8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
>>9. Don't want to wear your clothes
>>10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
>>
>>
>>And finally,
>>
>>
>>11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
>>

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Marty looks around the room and sees that it's in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there IS a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well Dad, you came home after 3 AM , drunk and delirious! Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door!"

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, with breakfast on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

A self-induced hangover - $100.00
Broken furniture - $200.00
Breakfast - $10.00
Saying the right thing “PRICELESS"

__________________
"Enjoy life. There's plenty of time to be dead."


Live Life, hearses don't come with luggage racks.
The second mouse always gets the cheese

Chinese Laundry
>
>
>A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was
>done at the
>
>local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and
>put it in the bag
>
>with the next collection of soiled clothes :
>
>"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
>
>She got the clean laundry back, and was still
>dissatisfied with the
>
>results, so the following week she enclosed
>another note:
>
>"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"
>
>The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and
>when her
>
>clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note
>from HIM:
>
>"I USE PLENTY SOAP
> ON PANTIES!!!
>
>USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

Two 90-year-old men, IowaMan and NutWorld, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, IowaMan visits him everyday. One day, IowaMan says, "NutWorld, we both loved baseball all our lives and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor. When you get to Heaven, somehow, you must let me know if there's baseball there."

NutWorld looks up at IowaMan from his death bed," IowaMan, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."

Shortly after that, NutWorld passes on.

At midnight, a couple of nights later, IowaMan is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him," IowaMan. IowaMan."
"Who is it"? asks IowaMan, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it"?
"IowaMan, it's me, NutWorld."
"You're not NutWorld. NutWorld just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, NutWorld," insists the voice."
"NutWorld! Where are you"?
"In Heaven," replies NutWorld. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says IowaMan.
"The good news," NutWorld says "is that there's baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always Spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says IowaMan. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So, what's the bad news"?
"You're pitching Tuesday."

__________________

But I've got to wait for 50 years?

This coming Tuesday would fit my schedule better.

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,
and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up
and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

WOW!, all theses years and I've been introducing myself using the wrong name.

Sorry I didn't get the "1" in there.
I won't do that again.

__________________

That wasn't what I was referring to....I'd just as-soon not HAVE the "1".

????

__________________

This what you were meaning nutworld?

__________________
It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

I messed that ALL up.


I won't do that again.


.... and then I posted it on the joke thread instead of in the editing category.


I won't do that again either.

__________________