945...

She then asked Ron what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Ron thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said,..... "Winnie the SHIT."


hehehehe...

946...

You know.. this could almost be pitiful... home alone on a Saturday nite.. telling jokes to people who aren't even here.. LOL...

947..

I was thinking... we really should have done this thread in the reverse order.. starting at 1,000,000 and working our way down... would have been a great attempt at 1,000,000 bottles of beer on the wall... LOL

948...

so I have posted my two jokes.. as threatened... now what?

949..

Luckily for all of you... I don't have the ability to make sound files.. I could always sing to ya.. that would really make this thread a longggggggggg ordeal huh?

__________________

951...

And NOOOOOO...... before you even ask... I am not Drunk.. LOL... haven't had a drop... just like to see myself type.. LOL

952...

How about some more jokes?

tho out of fear of people missing the punch line.. I will keep the entire joke in one post... don't worry.. no need to thank me. LOL

(damn.. I am obnoxiously full of myself tonight huh?)

953...

The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged English woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog I need that seat."

The English woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, "You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there, I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.

954.......

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank."

"I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

955......

FOR MEN TIRED OF RECEIVING MALE-BASHINGJOKES

How many men does it take toopen a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she bringsit.
----------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a reallybad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washingmachine will probably never be able to supportyou.
----------------------------------------
Why do women have smallerfeet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them tostand closer to the kitchensink.
----------------------------------------
How do you know when awoman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "Aman once told me..."
----------------------------------------
How do youfix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on theoven.
----------------------------------------
Why do men break wind morethan women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the requiredpressure.
----------------------------------------
If your dog is barkingat the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let infirst?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let himin.
----------------------------------------
What's worse than a MaleChauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she'stold.
---------------------------------------
I married Miss Right. I justdidn't know her first name wasAlways.
----------------------------------------
I haven't spoken to mywife for 18 months: I don't like to interrupther.
---------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered afood that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a WeddingCake.
----------------------------------------
Marriage is a 3-ringcircus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring,Suffering.
----------------------------------------
Our last fight was myfault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said,"Dust!"
----------------------------------------
In the beginning, Godcreated the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God createdWoman. Since then, neither God nor Man hasrested.
------------------------------------------
Why do men die beforetheir wives? They want to.
----------------------------------------
Abeggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "Ihaven't eaten anything for days."
She looked at him and said, "God, I wish Ihad your willpower."
----------------------------------------
Young Son:"Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know hiswife until he marries her?"
Dad: That happens in every country,son.
----------------------------------------
A man inserted anadvertisement in the classified:
Wife Wanted." The next day he received ahundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can havemine."
----------------------------------------
The most effective way toremember your wife's birthday is to forget itonce.
----------------------------------------
Women will never be equalto men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, andstill think they are beautiful.

----------

956........

WOMAN'S ENGLISH:

Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'msorry = You'll be sorry...
We need = I want.
It's your decision = Thecorrect decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll payfor this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = Idon't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You'reso manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
This kitchen is soinconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, andfurniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almostasleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
Howmuch do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll beready in a minute = I'll be ages but do NOT put the TV back on.
You have tolearn to communicate = Just agree with me.


MEN'S ENGLISH:

I'mhungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Doyou want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can Itake you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can Icall you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I havethis dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nicecleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondleyou.
What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted psychological trauma is itnow?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored= Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you,too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut yourhair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing youI am a deep guy then, ...maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make itillegal for you to have sex withothers.

957....

COWS AND POLITICS

DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd! of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You print "WE SURRENDER" on both. You go to lunch. Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and! learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th five year plan in the last three months. The Mafia shows up and takes over
however many cows you really have.

TALIBAN CORPORATION: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts. Then you kill them and claim a U. S. bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

POLISH CORPORATION: You have two bulls. Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA POLITICS: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking cow.

NEW YORK POLITICS: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

958...

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?

Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Lady 1: Where did you get it?

Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, the little old lady hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old) but very delicately asks what brand would she prefer.

"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a camel!"

959....

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?

Little old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on my porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little old Woman: No,but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little old Woman: No,I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little old Woman: No,I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little old Woman: Why,Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just laid down and
said to him..."Take me ...young man...Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!" ...And that's when I shot the little bastard!!!