I'd pay that, but I'm skink.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Hopefully this one hasn't been posted already. I just remembered it and thought another Little Johnny joke would be good.


Little Johnny's kindergarten teacher told the class that their homework assignment for the day was to go home and ask their parents to explain the difference between theory and reality. When Little Johnny got home he found his dad out in the garage working on the car. "Daddy, my teacher told me to ask you if you can tell me the difference between theory and reality."

Johnny's dad thought for a moment and replied, "Okay, I can help you out. Go inside and ask your mom if she would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars." Little Johnny didn't really understand what good that would do but he went inside and found his mom in the kitchen. "Mommy, daddy told me to ask you if you would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars."

Johnny's mom thought about it for a second and replied, "Yeah, you can tell daddy that for a million dollars I would sleep with the neighbor." Johnny took that new information back out the garage and told daddy, "Daddy, mommy says that yeah, she would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars." Johnny's dad nods his head and says, "Okay Johnny, now go ask your sister the same question and come back and give me her answer."

Johnny goes back inside and finds his sister in her bedroom listening to the stereo. "Sis, daddy told me to ask you if you would sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars?" Johnny's sister thought about it for a second or two and said, "You know what? For a million bucks, yeah I'd sleep with the neighbor."

Johnny didn't really know what any of this had to do with his homework assignment but he went back out to the garage to let daddy know what Sis had said. "Yeah, Daddy, she said she'd sleep with the neighbor for a million dollars."

Daddy looked at Johnny and said, "Well, there you have it. The difference between theory and reality." Johnny was completely lost and said, "What do you mean Daddy?"

Daddy replied, "Well, in theory we could have two million dollars but in reality we just live with a couple of whores."

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It takes a gutless mouse to play only when the cat's away.

No love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. ~~ Francois Mocuriac

Confucius say, "He who masturbate into cash register come into money."

An optimist looks at the glass and says it's half full. A pessimist looks at the glass and says it's half empty. A Cubs fan looks at the glass and says, "When's it gonna spill?"

Deus Impetitio Esuritori Nullus

Attached Images

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Oh, deer.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I think this was a Steph one, but in case it's new, here goes.

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you;

The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you;

The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you;

The next day I stopped drinking.



Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you;

This morning I stopped reading....

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Ha ha, bril!

OF ...

Attached Images

Hung.jpg (100.1 KB, 64 views)

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PF,

Put a sock in it!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Upset Wife ....
>
>
>
>She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love
>to a very attractive young woman.
>
>The wife was VERY upset!
>
>"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me
>your faithful wife, the mother of your children!
>I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"
>
>And he replied:
>
>"Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened.
>
>
>"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll
say
>to me!"
>
>
>And he began:
>
>
>"Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady
here
>asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I
>took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very
>thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't
eaten
>for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up
>the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat
>because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured
them
>in moments. Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and
>while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
>holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her
the
>designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear
because
>you say they are too tight . I also gave her the underwear that was
your
>anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good
>taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that
you
>don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought
>at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a
>pair like them.."
>
>He took a quick breath and continued:
>
>
>"She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her
>to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said;
>
>'"Please........do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
>
>

The Purina Diet

I got this in an email ... and loved it ...

I was in Wal-Mart buying a large bag of Purina for Lola and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting the Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to have to be carried out the door.

Up to scratch, DB.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."

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Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

One from our local papers again,

What's brown and sticky?
















































A stick.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

and OF!! That 'brown & sticky' joke has been one of my faves forever.




Another fave:


What do you get when a monkey drinks a can of tomato juice?















An empty can!