Loved it, DB.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

db ,very funny i'll have to change my pants as i pissed myself laughing

Cajun Math

Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Without numbers?" the Cajun says, "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Cajun.

"Fair enough," says the boss "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Cajun stares into space for awhile, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees ! is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, "all right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

(Thought you'd like this one)

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and crap by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes one hundred.....So, when I start?!"

Hope you can all understand this!!


After having their 11th child (Pocahontas Brittany Larsson O'Neill), a Glesga couple decided that was enough because they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his GP and told him that he and his missus didn't want to have any more children (Wur no wantin ony mair weans, so wur no).

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.
"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a firework banger available from most east end corner shops all year round, put it in an empty beer can, light it then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

The Glesga Ned said to the doctor, "Ah might no be the smartest tool in the shed, but Ah cannae see how pittin a firework in a beer caun next to my ear is gonnae help me no tae huv ony mair weans."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the Ned went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ..... at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure is available on the NHS, by the way, and works in Govan, Barrachnie, Garthamlock, Clydebank, Parkhead, Caldercruix, Shettleston, Paisley, Renfrew and Old Kilpatrick.

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The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Halifax Building Society is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. Release handbrake.


N.B. DM383 Publications accepts absolutely NO blame, responsibility or previous knowledge of this release. I didn't even think it was funny, honest ladies. I only posted it to demonstrate even further the typical gender stereotyping that persists in today's corporate-fed society.

Oh, ok.......OK! I thought it was funny, alright?!?! so sue me!

DM

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The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Received better by the male half of this unit.

LOL

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

How come there is no mention of the two hours the man took driving around to find the machine.......

Probly for the same reason the Two hours for the woman to actually get ready to go to the machine wasn't mentioned.

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Make Love, Not War - You'll Have More Fun That Way

Did anyone mention that her pay wasn't due to go in for another four hours?

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Naw....everyone knows we get ready as we drive somewhere.

Did anyone mention that HIS already had.....

Ooohhhh.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

next there is bound to be a joke about why women order meals consisting of 3 carrot sticks and a peice of anorexic lettuce before eating 3/4 of their guys food!!

Surely not. There are some limits, after all.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

...lol...yaa. 3 carrot sticks? That's alot to eat!!

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Make Love, Not War - You'll Have More Fun That Way