Football FINALLY makes sense..........
>A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great
>seats
>right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she
liked
>the experience.
>
>"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all
>the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing
each
>other over 25 cents."
>
>Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
>
>"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of
the
>game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the
>quarterback!' I'm like...
>Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents"!!
>
>
>
>
>
>it's not what you take when you leave this world behind you;
>it's what you leave behind you when you go
>
>
>
>
>
>

When Jim met Sharon....They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the
evening. Sharon invited Jim to her place, where they quickly got involved
in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled
up close to each other.
After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Jim's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Jim comments, "Surely you can't be ready for
more already?" Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit
nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had my own."
:bang:

__________________
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will. He will be sure to repent - Socrates

Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction - Antoine De Saint-Exupery

Got these through my work Email today....... could REALLY have done with some of this!!

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The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

But, having had the "pleasure" of meeting my ex-mother-in-law this afternoon, I can see where this is coming from!!

(Sorry to all the nice m-i-l's out there!!)

DM

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The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad, dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when
he was born".

"He's a martyr, too." says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's18", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started
school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at
the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

DM! I love vodka coolers! I'm drinking one now, in fact!

OMG DB!! TOO GOOD!!

OK, here's one for the Canadian contingent:

Q: How do you kill a one-legged fox?

A: You make him run across Canada.

If the stork brings white babies
And the crow brings black babies
What kind of bird brings no babies?




























A SWALLOW!!!

Speaking of Canada ... a Canadian friend of mine shared one time ...

Canada was an old Indian word "CND" ... but you know how Canadians are ..

C .. eh .. N .. eh .. D .. eh

... and it stuck!

a little old lady shaing violently goes into an adult shop, walks up to the counter still shaking and the shop assistant looks at the lady shaking and asks if he can help her
the lady looks at the assistant and said stuttering "dddooo youuu sellll dildoooss aboutt 10 inchees longgg, 3 inchess rounddd andd blackkk"
the assistant looks at the shaking woman and said " yes we do mam why"
the lady looks at him and replies " welllll howww dooo youuu turnnn theee fuckinnn thinggg offffffff"

last one i promise...

a assistant in a large department store was gazing around the store when he see's the head of a man pertruding from an isle not far from him just moving backwards and forwards without him actually moving down the isle, the assistant proceeded with his work and about 5 minutes later he could hear a slight moaning noise coming from the direction of where he saw the man, he glanced over and sure enough the mans head was moving backwards and forwards still and he was moaning, the assistant thought what the hell is he doing so he moved around the store to get a look at what he was up to, finally he got in a position where he could see the man front on just standing in the one position thrusting his pelvis out then back the out again and so on still moaning but now his tongue was hanging out as he was moaning and thrusting, the assistant could not stand it any longer and decided to go and ask the man what he was up to, so he walk straight up to the man and said "excuse me what do you think you are doing" the man looked him straight in the eye and replied "fuckin nothing

thats it boom boom

**Sunday Morning Sex**

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling...

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even ... nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the damm ice cream truck hadn't come along.

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up, and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"

The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, Come up and have some." So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey, and they share a few hits.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. Once at the river, the lizard is so stoned that he leans over and falls into the water.

A Crocodile sees this, swims over to the lizard, and helps him to the side; then he asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?" The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking ajoint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says....
"Shhhhiiiiiiitttttt.......DUDE,.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Steph,

Excellent!

__________________
Eudaimonia

A man and his wife decide to play golf but neither is very good so they sign up for lessons.

The man goes to his lesson first. The instructor says, "Show me your swing so I can evaluate you." The man swings and the instructor says, "That was good but you're holding the club too tight. Try holding it gently like you would hold your wife's breasts." The man does so and he hits the ball 250 yards!

Later, the wife goes for her lesson. Again the instructor tells her to show him her swing so that he can evaluate her. She does and he says, "You're also holding the club too tight. Hold like you would hold your husband's dick." She does so and takes her swing. Then the golf instructor says, "Try it again but this time take the club out of your mouth."

ROFL DB!

This one's pretty cheesy but hey, it's about sheep!

There was once a sheep farmer who needed help with
his farm ... especially, the difficult task of
castrating some of his inferior male sheep to keep
them from breeding with the females.

He hired a Frenchman who didn't speak much English
but was a very good worker.

After the first day, they had successfully castrated
14 sheep and his French worker was just about to
throw away the severed "parts" when the sheep farmer yelled,
"No -- Don't throw those away -- My
wife fries them up and we eat them ... they're
delicious, and we call them 'Sheep Fries'!"*

Later that day, the French hired hand came in for
supper and, indeed, he thought that the "Sheep
Fries" were very tasty.

The next day, they castrated 16 sheep, and that
evening they all settled down to another supper of
"Sheep Fries".

On the third day, however, when the sheep farmer
came in for supper, he asked his wife where the
French hired hand was.

"You know, it's the weirdest thing," she said.

"I told him that since there weren't that many
'Sheep Fries' this evening, we were also going to
have French fries ... and he ran like his ass was on
fire!"