A Russian and an Newfoundland wrestler were set to square off
for the Olympic Gold medal match.

Before the final match, the Newfie wrestler's trainer came to him and said,
"Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian.

He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has,
whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold!
If he does, you're finished!"

The Newfie nodded in acknowledgement. As the match started,
the Newfie and the Russian circled each other several times,looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Newfie and wrapping
him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his
face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.
He couldn't stand to watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes
just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air.
His back hit the mat with a thud and the Newfoundlander collapsed on top of him making the
pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded.

When he finally got his wrestler alone, He asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!"

The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that
hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles
right in front of my face.

I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck
and bit those babies just as hard as I could."

"So," the trainer exclaimed, "That's what finished him off!"

"Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts."

Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

Signs


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when
one of the men said that he was going to go to
Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone
to the same dentist a year ago.

"Is that so?" the first old gentleman asked. "Did he
do a good job?" The second gent replied, "Well, I
was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow
on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have
been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me
right in the nuts"

The first old guy was confused and asked, "What
does that have to do with your dentures?"

The second man answered, "That was the first time
in a year that my teeth didn't hurt.

Subject: JOB INTERVIEW

An office manager at Walmart was given the task of hiring an
individual
to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he
found
four
people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in
and
ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them
would
get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table
the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A
THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way;
it's
just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?"
he
asked the second man.

"Hmm . . . . let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't
know
that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a
very
popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was
contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on
the
wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant.
Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and
thought
he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed
the
same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous
answers,
it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I
wasn't
feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK,
BLINK, or
TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already %#@& in my pants!"

Old Bubba is the new "Greeter" at the local Walmart.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR !!!! FOR EXAMPLE: THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke." Turning to the ostrich, he asks, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change!

This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most! people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say.

Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
>
>Customer: A white one...
>
>******
>
>Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
>
>Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
>
>Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
>
>Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note .."
>
>Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet.. it's still
>on my desk... Sorry...
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
>
>Customer: Your left or my left?
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
>
>Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
>
>Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and...
>
>Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
>Gates!
>
>******
>
>Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print Every time
>I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
>placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says it can't
find it...
>
>******
>
>Customer: I have problems printing in red...
>
>Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
>
>Customer: Aaaah...................Thank you.
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
>
>Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
>
>******
>
>Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
>
>Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
>
>Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
>
>Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
>
>Customer: Okay.
>
>Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
>
>Customer: Yes.
>
>Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
>keyboard? Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital
>letter V as in Victor, and the number 7. Customer: Is that 7 in capital
letters?
>
>******
>
>A customer couldn't get on the Internet:
>
>Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
>
>Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
>
>Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
>
>Customer: Five stars.
>
>******
>
>Helpdesk: What anti-virus program do you use?
>
>Customer: Netscape.
>
>Helpdesk: That's not an anti-virus program.
>
>Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
>
>******
>
>Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has put a screensaver on my
>computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
>
>*******
>
>And then there is my personal favorite!!
>
>
>
>Helpdesk: How may I help you?
>
>Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
>
>Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
>
>Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
>the circle around it?

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but
>here is one:
>
>
>Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
>
>A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
>birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch
says
>he cannot tell.
>
>Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
>"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a
>beech or a son of a birch?"
>
>The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is
>neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.
>
> It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
>
>
> Wipe that smile off your face ......

Taste Testing......

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of lifesavers. The children began to say:

Red............cherry,"
Yellow.........lemon,"
Green..........lime,"
Orange.........orange,"

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After eating them none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue, it's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled: Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!" ......

HOW TO TELL THE SEX OF A FLY

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

"Irish Shopping"

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

"S'cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, "what was that all about?"

"Nothin', said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"

LMAO......those were all great DB

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built. One evening, the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for awhile, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned. "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral: Old men can still think fast

Hillbilly helps choking victim


Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly , a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

OMG I LUV IT thanks for the smile i needed it today!

~nikki

__________________
Ravage Me!

Me Time
Long Lonley Night
Tied Up
Teased

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