Timmy was a little five year old boy whose Mom loved him very much.
But being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school
when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first
couple of days. But at the end of the week, he came home from
school and told his mother that he did not want her walking him to
school everyday. He wanted to be like the "big boys," he protested
loudly!

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs.
Goodnest, if she would please follow him to school in the mornings,
staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler
anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as
well.........so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set
out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another
neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's
little friend noticed the same lady was following them, as she
seemed to do every day all week.

Finally he said to Timmy, "Have you noticed that lady following us
to school all week? Do you know her?"

Timmy nonchalantly replied, "Yeah, I know who she is."

The friend asked, "Well, who is she?"

"That's just Shirley Goodnest" Timmy replied, "and her daughter
Marcy."

"Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following
us?"

"Well", Timmy explained, "every night my Mom makes me
say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so
much. And in the psalm, it says 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall
follow me all the days of my life,' so I guess I'll just have to get
used to it!"

__________________
"Old age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Enthusiasm...Everytime!"

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night-light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.

The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cabdriver hit a parked car..

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small

>tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
>first time we had sex together over fifty years a go? We went behind
>this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
>
>"Yes," she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "how about taking
>a
>stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake.
>
>"Oooooooh, Henry, you old devil, that sounds like a good idea," she
>answers.
>
>There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all
>this,
>having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two
>old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so

>there's not any trouble." So he follows them.
>
>They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by
>walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make
>their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her
>knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and
>as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in.
>
>Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching
>policeman
>has ever seen.
>
>They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for
>about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her

>hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.
>
>Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
>
>The policeman is amazed. He thinks he's learned something about life
>that
>he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground
recovering,
>the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The
>policeman, still watching thinks, "that was truly amazing -- that old
man
>was going like a train-I've got to ask him what his secret is."
>
>As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else. You had
>sex
>for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a
>fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"
>
>The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

Guy's a bit lonely... goes into a pet shop and buys a budgie in a fairly large cage.

Two weeks later... budgie is showing signs of stress and the guy decides it needs a companion - returns to pet shop.... buys another budgie and sticks it in the cage. next morning.... new budgie... on its back legs in the air - dead.

Guy complains to pet shop, owner sells him an owl. Goes home, sticks it in the cage - next morning... Owl on the floor... feet in the air - dead.

Guy complains to pet shop, owner sells him a Falcon. Goes home, sticks it in the cage - next morning... Falcon on the floor... feet in the air - dead.

"Can't you supply me with a feathered friend for my budgie that it can't kill?" asked the guy.

Pet shop owner sells the guy an aviary and the biggest Emu he had.... "Stick the little bastard in with him, that'll cure him," he said.

Next morning.... Emu on its back... legs in the air - dead.

Returning to the petshop the next day... the petshop owner sells the guy a Wedge-tailed Eagle, the deadliest of all Australian raptors. A beak so powerful it could crunch a kangaroos thigh bone, talons so sharp they'd pierce elephant hide....

"That'll fix the little shit!!" he said.

Next morning.... eagle on its back... feet in the air - dead.

Strangest thing though... is the budgie never had a feather left on its body... it was completely bald. He looked at his owner, cocked his head and said,

"Fuck.... I had to take my coat off for that one."

__________________
"Old age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Enthusiasm...Everytime!"

Lmfao!!!!!

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

guy goes to the dentist with a tooth ache,dentist looks at the tooth decides it has to come,guy say's ok .dentist gets the needle ready but the guy say's
sorry i can't take needles no way,ok say's the dentist i have some gas,oh no say's the guy i'll be sick for two day's with the gas,no problem replies the dentist,i'll be right back,a minute later he returns with a pill and cup of water,here he say's take this,guy swallows the pill and asks what it was,viagra replies the dentist,guy asks,will it kill the pain no the dentist replies
but it will give you something to hold onto when i pull that tooth out.

__________________
you can alway's tell a limey,But Not Much


I'm so miserable with out you,

It's almost like having you here

nice doggie...

Attached Images

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__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

A Child's Wisdom..

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she
asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would
get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?", her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe he'd start loving people a little
bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the
Marines could blow the poop out of him."

__________________
"Old age and Treachery will overcome Youth and Enthusiasm...Everytime!"

Three dogs, a Doberman, a Boxer, and a Labrador are sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.
The Doberman turns to the Boxer and says, "So why are you here?" The Boxer replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything - the sofa, the cat, the kid, but the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Doberman says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Lethal injection," came the reply from the sad Boxer.
The Doberman then turns to the Labrador and asks, "Why are you here?" The Lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees. I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Doberman inquired. "Lethal injection," the dejected Labrador said.
The Labrador then turns to the Doberman and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the Doberman says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."
The Boxer and Labrador exchange a sad glance and say, "So, lethal injection for you too, huh?"
"No, no," the Doberman says, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

__________________
Though I am different from you,
We were born involved in one another.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

Complete surrender should not just come at moments in which one faces overwhelming odds, but in the calm when it seems one is personally in complete control of one's life.

OMG now i havnt heard that before ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ to damn funny


~nikki

__________________
Ravage Me!

Me Time
Long Lonley Night
Tied Up
Teased

http://thesmashedfairy.blogspot.com/

Spain
"Te Amo"

France
"Je T'aime"

Germany
"lch Liebe Dich"

Japan
"Ai Shite Imasu"

Italy
"Ti Amo"

China
"Wo Ai Ni"

Sweden
"Jag Alskar"

Alabama
Arkansas
Kansas
Oklahoma
Texas
North Carolina
South Carolina
Georgia
Tennessee
Idaho
Missouri
Mississippi
Montana
Louisiana
Virginia
West Virginia
Kentucky
*parts of Florida

" Nice Ass, Get in the truck."

__________________
-Toast-
"It takes a lot of brains to enjoy satire, humor and wit - but none to be offended by them." -- Johnny Hart ("BC", cartoonist, 2000)
"Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result." -- E. B. White

I was driving with my three young children one warm
summer evening
when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up
and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my five-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't
wearing a seat belt!"
- ------

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom
to tell me he'd
dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it
out and threw it in
the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a
moment, then ran to my
bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it
up and said with a
charming little smile, "We better throw this one out
too then, 'cause it
fell in the toilet a few days ago'."

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss
>>> each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a
little
>>>horny. With an air of
>>> confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall
and,
>>>
>>>smiling, he
>>> says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"
>>>
>>> Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents
will see
>>>
>>>us!"
>>>
>>> "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
>>>
>>> "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
>>>
>>> Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love
you so
>>>
>>>much!"
>>>
>>> "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
>>>
>>> "Oh yes you can. Please?"
>>>
>>> Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on,
and
>>>the girl's little sister
>>> shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she
says:
>>>
>>> "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob.
Otherwise
>>>I can do it. Or
>>> if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and
do it.
>>>
>>>But for God's
>>> sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off
the
>>>intercom!"
>>

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and
>>>>pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could
get
>>>>rid
>>>>of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of
>>>>intolerable, she kept silent. The next morning, the man woke his
wife
>>>>with
>>>>a pinch on each of her breasts and said, "You know, if you firmed
these
>>>>up, we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent
response, so
>>>>she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in
>>>>place,
>>>>she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the
>>>>gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother.

Have you ever wondered . . . ?

Attached Images

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__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating