Today I went to the store and bought some K-Y Gel. I told the clerk it was to help lubricate the plastic door on a doll house, but it was really for lubricating a butt plug.

*BUMP*

Today I went to the store and bought some glow-in-the-dark underwear. I told the clerk it was for Halloween, but the truth was, she didn't want the light on and I wanted to see better.

Today I went to the hardware store to buy a big screw my wife said she needed only to get home and find out that's not what she meant.