Wabbit Hunting

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Three old men were sitting around complaining about
how much their hands shook.

The first geezer said, "My hands shake so bad that when
I shaved this morning I cut my face!"

The second old fogey one-upped him. "My hands shake
so bad that when I trimmed my garden yesterday I sliced
all my flowers!"

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing.
My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday,
I came three times."

__________________
_______________________
*Diva*



"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."

a man walk into a shrinks office wearing only saran wrap around his waist. the shrink took one look at him and said. "I can surely see your nuts"

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''
''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''
''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Husband shopping center

A “Husband Shopping Center” was opened where a woman could go to choose from among many men, to be her husband. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn’t go back down except to leave the place.
So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying: “These men have jobs and love kids.” The women read the sign and say: “Well that’s better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what’s further up?”
So up they go.
Second floor says: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking”. “Hmmm”, say the girls, “But, I wonder what’s further up?”.
Third floor: “These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.” “Wow!” say the women. “Very tempting, BUT, there’s more further up!” And so again, they go up.
Fourth floor: “These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.” “Oh, mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!”
So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on that door said: “This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!!”

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

You live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell
phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in upstate New York when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are
Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.

You live in the Midwest when... .
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

three hookers a grandmother hooker a mother hooker and a daughter hooker were discussing prices.The daughter hooker complained that in these times she could barely get 40 dollars for giving a blow job.The mother hooker told her she was lucky in her day she was lucky to get 20 dollars.The grandmother piped up You think you have it bad.In my day we were happy to have something warm in our bellies>

Scotz---The scary thing is that everything in your joke;is true!
Irish

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex.

The personnel office sent this reply..."Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM ARKANSAS IF:
submitted by Skeeter & Bubba thanx

"Vacation" means goin' through Harrison on the way to Branson.
*
You've seen all the biggest bands...ten years after their last hit.
*
You measure distance in minutes.
*
Down South, to you, means Louisiana.
*
You have no problem spelling or pronouncin' "Ouachita" or "Possum
Grape." (OUACHITA IS PRONOUNCED' WASH-A TAW'..FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MAY NOT BE FAMILIAR
*
You know what "Toad Suck" and "Booger Holler" are. (towns)
*
Your school classes were cancelled because of cold, heat, a tornado.
*
You've rode the school bus for an hour...each way. ...........(BOY, HAVE I BEEN THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)..ONE+
*
You've ever had to switch from "Heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
*
You think ethanol makes your truck run a lot better.
*
Stores don't have bags or carts...they have sacks and buggys.
*
You see people wearing bib overalls at funerals.
*
You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,
no matter what time of the year.
*
You end your sentences with a preposition, for example,"Where's my coat
at?".... "What's that made out of?"
*
All the festivals around the state are named after a food, bricks, or
lumber.
*
Priming was your first job...and you know what it means.
*
You say catty-wampus and tumped over.
*
You know the difference between a deer dog, a duck dog and a coon dog by
the way they bark.
*
You put security lights on your house and your garage and leave both of
them unlocked.
*
Pulaski County is considered a foreign or exotic place.
*
You consider being a "Beef Queen" an honour.
*
You carry jumper cables in your car.
*
You faithfully drink Pepsi, Mt. Dew, or Dr. Pepper everyday of your
life.
*
You know what a"cow drop" is.
*
You have your own secret bbq sauce.
*
You or your neighbours have more dogs than you have family
members.

When the minister agreed to marry the young couple in his church, he stipulated that tehy remain abstinent during their engagement. One week before the wedding, he met with them and asked, "Have you remained chaste, as I counseled you?"
"I'm afraid not Reverend."
"Oh dear, what happened?"
"Well, last week my fiancee was reaching for a box of light bulbs on a high shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and--suffice it to say--we lost all control right there."
"Well, I'm sorry, my son, but I can't marry you in this church."
"Yeah, that's what we figured,"
the young man sighed. We're not welcome at the Home Depot anymore, either."

Investment Advice~(almost not funny)

If you had bought $1000.00 worth of Nortel stock one
year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.00.
With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left.
If you had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the
beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer,
then turned in the cans for the 10 cent
deposit, you would have $214.00.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is
to drink heavily and recycle.

__________________

The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die out when it was discovered that they could give orders better from there.~ Betty Grable

If I wanted your opinion, I'd remove the duct tape and ask you for it.~ Me
<~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~>
One man's dream is another man's nightmare~~~~> §¤ Lilith ¤§
~>My Scribbles<~
==>Gone Shopping<== ~Just a Quickie~ *~A Celebration Vacation~* ~Surprises~ Sleeping With the Window Open
What Did You Do Today? Self Defense Class ~Short Sweet Snippets~ § Summer Spin § Story Challenge Submission Pajamas

Lilith---Can I use that as an excuse to start drinking again? Irish
P.S.My wife will now hate you;even tho she knows nothing about
you!

__________________
Irish---Better to be dead & cool,then alive & uncool!
(Harley Davidson & the Marlboro Man)

Irish,

Trust Lilith to keep leading us astray.

You keep it up, girl!!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I wonder, what if you had invested in condoms instead of beer? would ya make more money from recycling those?