How?

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Okay, so it wasn't entrapment.........But it was still dishonest of the cop to lure the guy out under false pretenses.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Alabama that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000," the young cowboy says, "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying son-of-a-bitch of a dog before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

Yep.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon " quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

"An ambulance just drove by!"

"Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike!"

"Looks like the Sanders are moving!"

"Jason is on his skate board!"

After a few moments he announced, "The Coopers are having sex!!"

Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they're having sex?"

" Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."

John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the
traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that
his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six
a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got
to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all
my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've
still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing'
sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY .

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs
are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own
sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the
better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem
with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and
take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something
the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.

“ NUDIST COLONY”
“Slow down and watch out for chicks”

it's the naked truth.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

After being born in Omaha ... which we left when I was still just a wee baby ... I learned to call Little Falls, MN my home. It was my mom's home and with dad in the military it gave us "roots."

Anyway, got this and loved it ... hope you do, too.

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Just in case ya didn't know... yaa, yo-bet-sha... It's true Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin 's winters.

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye."

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."

The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis , Minnesota , and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Is What You Make It," but that was changed for some reason.

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul . He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii--Spam sushi!!

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat -chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet"

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau , Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

Now... it's up to you to forward this to all your friends If one of them does not forward it to others, he/she will be given an entrance pin to attend the Eelpout Festival in Walker, MN....in February --

Cold is a relative thing ya know....

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late

By Yimminy, by golly ... dat's de gospel truth. You 'betcha!

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Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?"

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!

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A mother-in-law stopped by unexpectedly the recently married couple's house. She knocks on the door, then immediately walks in. She is shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.


"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Jeff to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Jeff loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy."

The mother-in-law on the way home thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and expectantly waited for her husband, lying provocatively on the couch.

Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her naked on the couch.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she replied.

"Needs ironing," he says" "What's for dinner?"

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Where were they (last 2 jokes) buried?

Comical Cemetary on Hilarity Hill.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

:d

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with
a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone".

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