2654

Home early from my night on the town

#2656 I guess some can't count ....... I thought the count was done automatically anyway.

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2657

Three girls are sitting around, totally bored so one girl suggests that they make up nicknames for their ideal boyfriends and name them after soda pops.
"I want mine to be 7-Up, 'cause 7 days a week he's up."

"I want mine to be Mountain Dew 'cause when he's in between my mountains, we'll be doing it."

"Mine's gonna be Jack Daniel's."

"You can't do that. Here we are talking about soda pop and you're talking about a hard liquor."

"Exactly."

2658

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were all discussing how much their lives suck.
The cucumber says, "I get picked from my home, sliced up, and thrown a salad. My life sucks the most."
The pickle then says, "I get picked from my home, shoved in a jar, submerged in liquid thats smells awful. So my life sucks the most."

The penis then says, "Oh please! My life definitely sucks the most. I get a tarp wrapped over my head, stuck in a wet black hole, and rammed against a wall until I vomit."

2659

Q: What's the difference between Clinton and a screwdriver?














A: A screwdriver turns in screws, and Clinton screws interns!

2660

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There's one thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill asks, "What is that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary." Bill, shakes his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."

2661

Re: DNA Test Results: Clinton, William Jefferson
Dear Mr. Starr:

The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.

Apologies,

The FBI

2662

Clinton's Favorite Things

This should be sung to the tune "A Few of My Favorite Things" from the movie"The Sound of Music"

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad


Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Falling down drunk that required knee surgery
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things

2663

There was a couple who did not want their children to know when they were going to have sex, so they decided on a code of ''writing a letter.''
One day, Daddy said to his daughter, ''Tell your mommy that Daddy wants to write a letter.'' The girl went and told her mommy and the mom said, ''The red ribbon is coming out, not now.'' The girl went back to the daddy and told him.

One day, Mommy told her daughter to tell her daddy that she wanted to write a letter. Daddy replied, ''Not now. Daddy already wrote the letter by hand.''

2664

On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"

"How much for a season pass?"

2665

What do you call five lesbians in a closet?













A licker cabinet

2666

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

2667

One Sunday, my priest asked if I could cover his Confession shift for him -- he said it was easy, since he had a sin list inside the booth which listed both sins and penance. I agreed and took the booth early on Sunday morning. Soon people showed up.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have committed adultery."

"Adultery, eh?" I said. "You sly devil. That'll be three hail mary's, plus five bucks."

"Thank you, Father." Another person came into the booth.

"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have embezzled money from work."
"Embezzlement, eh? Naughty, naughty. That'll be 5 hail mary's, plus fourteen bucks."
"Thank you, Father." This was easy, I thought. I can handle this. Another person came into the booth.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have commited the sin of butt-sex."
"Butt-sex, huh?" I looked at the list, but I didn't see butt-sex there. I excused myself to see if I could get some help. I found a choir boy hanging out on the steps of the church.
"Excuse me," I said. "What does Father Matthew give for buttsex?"
"Well," said the boy, "usually just milk and cookies, but sometimes a Snickers."

2668

The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is basketball.
The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

2669

Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?














A: They are both meat substitutes.