Two Kiwis, Ian and Craig, are walking down a street in Bondi. Ian happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye.

The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair.'

Ian says to his pal, 'Craig, look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune.'

Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries,' smiled Craig, 'I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Ian says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand, aren't you?'

'Well... Yis,' says a surprised Ian. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.


Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.


After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up
7. Drive off.


*******************************


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth.!!!!


1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Man says to his wife "why do you never tell me when you Cum"

Wife says "I don't like to bother you at work!!!"

Get yourself together and try reading this out loud. It will take at least a handful of tries because you're laughing so hard. Sorry if this is repeated but it is way to funny not to post it again.

JUST LIKE A MAN WITH A NEW TOY!!

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.
AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone withthis new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad withonly two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going togive this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room. Note:If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was.
My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88lbs.
I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I shit on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my since of smell was gone.
I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift,and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.

It ain't easy being a dick.

Got a head ya' can't think with.

Got an eye ya' can't see with.

Got to hang around with two nuts all the time.

Have a closet neighbor who's a real asshole.

Best friend is a pussy.

And, worst of all, everytime ya' get excited, ya' throw up.

His dizzy aunt ---------------------------------Verti Gogh
The brother who ate lots of prunes --------------Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store --Stop n Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois -----------------------Chica Gogh
His magician uncle -----------------------------Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin -----------------------------A mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ---- Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt --------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ----------- -------------- Fla min Gogh
The fruit loving cousin ----------------------- Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - -------- Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ---------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ---------------------- Go Gogh
his niece who travels the country in an RV ---- Winnie Bay Gogh


I saw you smiling! . . . there ya' Gogh!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

One for WI.



SHIPWRECKED

A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Kiwi. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep,growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.
She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health..
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening...red sky, cirrus clouds, and a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear, 'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took
place:

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing
this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the
house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a
new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would
remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a
word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be
able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"

Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my
alarm, gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:

"Fishing or Sex?" and she said: "Wear sun-block."

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.


He finds his way to a barstool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for



a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'





The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,huskyvoice,the


woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only


fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:


1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.


2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.


3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.


4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.


5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.





'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?',





The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,'No...not


if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

May he ^^ rest in pieces...

__________________
Plug me into somethin'

If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.

No good deed ever goes unpunished

Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.

Heard this last night, took ages to remember.

Two condoms walk past a gay bar. One said to the other,

"Let's go in and get shit faced."

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

If you can read this without laughing you must be devoid of laughter
cells......









This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the seventies. Ronnie Barker could
say all this without a snigger (though god knows how many takes).

Irony is that they received not one complaint. The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting
the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read ...

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.





Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked
very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the
end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right
bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty
Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts
would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name
was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin
and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back
by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball,
Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock
struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran
out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.



The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the
sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. 'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that
fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had
lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success
and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had
bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on
Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome
hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and
Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

The Bus Ride

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a
double-Decker bus for a weekend trip. The Brunette team rode on the bottom of
the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.

The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She
decided to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring
straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white
knuckles. the brunette asked, 'What the heck's going on up here? We're having
a great time downstairs!'
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered...
'YEAH, BUT YOU'VE GOT A DRIVER!!!

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

The creation.......by an Australian








In the beginning God created day and night.* He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and BBQ's.


He created night for going prawning,sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.
On the Second Day, God created water - for surfing,* - swimming* and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.
On the Fourth Day God created animals
and crustaceans* for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth Day God created a Bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.
So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good Blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer* cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes* He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good ... well ... almost good.

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then God saw that it was not just good.* It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA!!!!!

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating