An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through

she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let out a silent fart

what do you think I should do?'





He replies ' Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

THE OLDER WOMAN






I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.





She looked OK for a 61 year-old.





In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she


probably had a hot daughter.





We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever


had a Sportsman's Double.





'What's that?' I asked





'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.





I said, 'No' - excitedly.





We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.





I went back to her place.





She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

A Sunday school teacher was testing children in a Glasgow Sunday
school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to
Heaven

She asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale
and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept
everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now she was starting to smile.

'Well then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweeties to all the
children and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?'

Again they all answered 'No!'

She was just bursting with pride for them.

Well she continued, 'then how can I get into Heaven?

A six year-old Glasgow boy shouted out, 'YUV GOTTAE BE FUCKN' DEAD YA
MUPPET.'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

----- IDIOT SIGHTING:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one
of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the
opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one B &
D made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said,
'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than
1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two..'
We haven't used this repairman since.


IDIOT SIGHTING
My daughter and I went through the McDonald's drive thru window and I
gave the teen a $20 note.. Our total was $10.50, so I also handed her
fifty cents. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I
know, but this way you can just give me ten dollars back.' She sighed
and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so,
and he handed me back the fifty cents, and said 'We're sorry but we
can't do that kind of thing.' The teen then proceeded to give me back
$9.50 in change.
Do not confuse the teenagers at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local council office to request the removal of the Kangaroo sign on our
road. The reason: 'Too many kangaroos are being hit by cars out here! I
don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'


IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Hungry Jack's and ordered a burger. She
asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he
was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded,
'That's why we ask.'


IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I
was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She
asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on
earth are blind people doing driving?!'

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the
company due to 'downsizing.' Our manager commented cheerfully, 'This is
fun We should do this more often.' Not another word was spoken. We all
just looked at each other with that animal-in-the-headlights stare.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power board back into itself
and for the sake of her life, couldn't understand why her system would
not turn on.


IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at a dealership to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried
the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced
to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already got that
side.'
STAY ALERT!

They walk among us... And the scary part is that they VOTE and they
REPRODUCE

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital .

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the
line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the
beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to
talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

This week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your
part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done .....Your turn)

Making a baby. This is hilarious!

There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--


The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

PREGNANCY Q & A & more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q : I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q : What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q : My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q : Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word 'alimony' means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q : Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q : Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE 'ESTROGEN ISSUES'

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using yo ur cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: 'How's my driving-call 1- 800-'.
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from 'outer space.'
9. You're sur e that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting you r hair to ma ke it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

The Broken Lawn Mower

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is usually the husband.

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But somehow I always had something else
to take care of first - the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing -always something more important to me than the lawn mower.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away
with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went in to the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will be able walk again, - - but I will always have a limp.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap!' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow!' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man..'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

__________________

You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Direct Marketing.

__________________________________________________ _________________

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."

- That's Advertising.


__________________________________________________ _________________


You see a handsome guy at a party.
You go up to him and get his telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Telemarketing.

__________________________________________________ _________________


You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You get up and straighten your dress.
You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie brushing yourself slightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

- That's Public Relations.


__________________________________________________ _________________


You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
He walks up to you and says,
"I hear you're fantastic in bed."

- That's Brand Recognition.

__________________________________________________ _________________


You're at a party and see a handsome guy.
You talk him into going home with your friend.

- That's a Sales Rep.

__________________________________________________ _________________



Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

- That's Tech Support.-


__________________________________________________ _________________


You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing.
So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

- That's Spam.

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Mike was going to get married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat.He said, 'Mike, let me tell you something.? On my wedding night, in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants, handed them to your mother and said, 'Here - try these on.' She did and said, 'These are too big; I can't wear them.' I replied, 'Exactly, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that night we never had any problems.'

'Hmmm,' said Mike.? He thought that might be a good thing to try.? On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, 'Here - try these on.' She tried them on and said, 'These are too large.? They don't fit me.' Mike said, 'Exactly.? I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don't want you to ever forget that.'

Then Ka ren took off her pants and handed them to Mike.? She said, 'Here - you try on mine.' He did and said, 'I can't get into your pants.' Karen said, 'Exactly.? And if you don't change your smart ass attitude, you never will.' And they lived happily ever after.

Actual call center conversations!


Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?'
Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?'
Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'
Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we are open.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics

Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
RAC Motoring Services

Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am traveling in Australia ?'
Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )

'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory Enquiries

Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland .'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
Customer: 'OK.'
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No.'
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this
point?'
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I
type..'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just
one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean
way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's
because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power ... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

"F(x) = a + 2b walks into a cafe, and asks for a hamburger with egg and cheese.
The proprietor replies, 'Sorry, but we don't cater for functions.'

__________________
Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating