Loved the funny picture thread so here's one just for jokes, dirty or clean (preferably dirty ).

A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true
what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
-------

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment.
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a
lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our
eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"

"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens
to sell for cooking. We had a dozen eggs one time,
but when they hatched we only got ten chicks.
The moral to this story is, don't count your chickens
until they've hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy.

Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm
and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey,
a machine gun, and a machete. "She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete
until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten
with her bare hands."

"Good heavens!", said the horrified teacher,
"What kind of moral did your daddy give you
from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
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Ever had any of this happen to you, fellow Pixies members?
You know you've had too much holiday cheer when...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10.You complain about the small bathroom after emerging
from the closet.
11.You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12.You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's
at your place.
13.You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14.You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize
you're in front of the hall mirror.
15.You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16.You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18.You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19.You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20.You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21.You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.