Part 1

I was reminded of this tale by a friend on one of the forums I frequent, a fine preacher himself. He pointed out that although I had told this tale to him, I had never written it down for others to mock and ridicule. So tonight, I will tell a strange and miserable tale that has remained known but to me and a few others until now. It is a tale from the beginning of The Fuck™. As a matter of fact, at the time of this story. . .there WAS no Fuck™! There was simply the knowledge that I was doing SOMETHING strange, even if I did not quite know what it was.

Yes, brothers, let us step into the miserable time machine and set it for the year 2001. The FIRST year that a business consultant named Atom had a revelation that he was going to be walking down a dark path. The path did not yet have a name, but it lay before him. . .inviting, seductive. . .yet full of misery and lessons yet to be learned as a man became a preacher and a formless idea became The Fuck™!

*insert strange time machine noises and flashing lights here*

2001. It seems like such a short time ago, yet it was a different world. The World Trade Center still defiantly flipped the twin birds at the rest of the world, and I was still working in Orlando Florida as a middle manager of a department that concerned itself primarily with saving floundering businesses. But when I went home and the tie was removed, I had darker business to tend to. . .bitches.
It was only about a year before when I had the revelation that opened my eyes to the bitches surrounding not only me, but millions of others. At that time, I wasn't really that concerned for them, just for myself. . .the preacher was still yet to be born, but I was already laying the groundwork for what would become The Fuck™. I had a crude version of a porn "employment site" created and on the internet for about 6 months. It only had 3 pages, unlike the 20 page monster I now have, but so far it had served its purpose. . .to lure bitches into a web of deception. It didn't serve it well, though. Unlike the site I have now, it wasn't easy to find. I had no idea about submitting it to search engines. It was just kind of. . .there.
So far, it had lured just 2 bitches to me. Not that great of an evil plan. I had to find a way to get more bitches.

So one night, while surfing the web for porn, I clicked a promising link and somehow ended up at a swinger site. There they were! HUNDREDS of bitches! Posting on a website. . .LOOKING FOR SEX! I had found the holy grail of bitches!

*Cue heavenly choir music and rays of golden light from above here*

Well. . .that was what I thought at first anyway.
I quickly found out that the reality of swinger sites is that most of the bitches are married. That a single man on a swinger site is not a lucky man. That women who are not married on swinger sites are pretty much looking for two things: Lesbian sex and group sex. Hell. . .even the bitches who ARE married are pretty much looking for lesbian sex and group sex! The women I wrote to weren't interested in me unless I brought either another bitch or at least one more guy with me. . .preferably both. What was I to do? I had here in my grasp a gold mine of bitches! Was I just supposed to give up? Walk away once I had seen what was there? Fuck no.

So I blew the dust off of my craptacular website and signed back onto the site under a different name. Only THIS time, I wasn't Atom. Single guy. I was Atom. Recruiter for an adult internet distributor!
I quickly received my first lesson in flaming. I was mocked. I was called names I had never heard. I was insulted in every way.
But I sent an invitation to visit my website to about a dozen single bitches. . .promising just about any kind of sex they desired. All they had to do was pass an interview and they were on their way to all the carpet-munching and gang-banging action they could handle. . .and get paid for it at the same time!

I was promptly banned from the site.
But not before 3 of those 12 bitches e-mailed me back.
It had worked! Sure, I was banned. Sure, my ego was a little bruised by the abuse I had put up with on the short road to my banishment. But I had been surfing around and had discovered that there were MANY swinger sites out there! Now that I knew that it worked, I could refine the process to perfection.
Well, the refinement never happened. I abandoned swinger sites after about a year because I ran out of free ones and I damn sure wasn't going to PAY to be banned after a few days.

Oh yes. . .I almost forgot. There was an actual TALE to be told here instead of just reminiscing about the early days. Once again, I have let the weed get the better of me, brothers, bear with me.
I fucked all three of those first bitches from my first foray onto swinger sites. But because I was still working, I had to work around my schedule. Being a manager, I didn't really have well-scheduled days off, so I had to actually use days of my vacation time to meet and fuck my hard-earned hoes. So it actually took me 3 months to meet them all. It is the last of these that this strange and miserable tale I have spent so long setting up is about.

Her name was Ivana. She was a former schoolteacher who had been born in Russia. When she initially replied to me, she accused me of playing a cruel joke on her. Now, she would have been close to the truth, but at that time, I was not concerned with the humiliation of bitches or the preaching of The Fuck™, simply to lure bitches to me for sex. I e-mailed her back, asking what she meant. She replied that just because she was an older woman and still needed sex was no reason to be cruel by offering her some kind of fantasy job. After all. . .who wanted to see a grandmother of 3 naked on the internet anyway?
This sparked my interest. I have no problem fucking older women. As a matter of fact, the FIRST slitch I had ever snared with my website was 51 years old. At the time, I was 34 years old.
I wrote back, assuring her it was no joke, and asking exactly how old she was. I was expecting her to be in her 50s. Her answer surprised me. Ivana was 64 years old and her birthday was in 2 months, so she was almost 65.
She was more than 30 years older than me.
On a swinger site.
Looking for sex.

I hadn't realized just how old Ivana was from her profile. I think under age it had something like "Ask me" instead of a number.
I was uncertain. My plan had worked, but the bitch was 65 fucking years old! Did I really want to fuck a 65 year old bitch? Would that make me desperate? Would that make me a pervert? What 34 year old guy fucks a 65 year old bitch?
The same thoughts lurked in my head for the next few days while I worked, trying to decide if I even wanted to write her back. All I could think about was if sex with a 65 year old bitch could be any good or not. Finally I decided. The 51 year old bitch I had fucked last year had been pretty damn wild. Why not? I'd write her back and ask for a picture. If she was a wrinkled old hagatha I could still wash my hands of it and try for more bitches elsewhere. I was in. I sent the e-mail.

I was surprised to see a few days later that she had sent me the picture I had requested. Ivana wasn't half bad! She was a short, dark haired, small-breasted woman who had aged well. She had a nice smile and not too many wrinkles, except at the corners of her eyes and mouth. I stared at the picture. Trying to see her naked. Trying to see myself behind her, pumping a wad into her doggy-style. My cock got hard. I knew then that it was going to happen. We e-mailed back and forth for almost a month, discussing the proposal. I pretended to negotiate, but knew that I had to have her.

In the interest of keeping the size of this post down to that which can be read in one day or less, I won't detail the conversations, except to say that I eventually convinced her that she was sexy enough to make a lot of money having sex on the internet. After all, she had been on a swinger site looking for sex already, why not get paid for it? All of the other men who had written to her had balked when she told them her age, it seemed that I was the only game in town for her.
She was ready for her "interview".
Ivana agreed to meet me, but refused to go to a hotel or anywhere else because she did not like to drive. If I wanted my GILF experience, I would have to come to her and meet her at her house.

The day came and I drove the 2 hours to the town she lived in. Following her directions, I found her living in a doublewide manufactured home in a retirement community. A nice, quiet neighborhood with well-tended yards and old people cruising down the street in golf carts.

*Cue Twilight Zone theme music here*

It was a pretty strange experience, driving down those identical streets lined with identical houses, on my way to fuck a bitch who had been born in 1936. I was a bit nervous and out of my element, to say the least.
I parked my car in front of her home, checked my tie in the mirror, and walked up the sidewalk that cut through the perfectly manicured yard and rang the doorbell. I was greeted with the yapping of a little dog.
The door opened and Ivana smiled at me and invited me into the house. There was a little black poodle shaking and yapping around our ankles. I wanted to kick it, but figured that wasn't the best thing to do at this point. I had driven 2 hours to get there, I sure as fuck wasn't going to kick that dog and drive back without fucking that old bitch.

Ivana offered me a seat on the couch.
A T.V. with The Price is Right was on. She offered me a glass of tea. A cockateel was chirping in a cage. There were fake plants everywhere. Little lighthouse sculptures clustered on several sets of shelves. The little poodle was about to shake itself to death it was so fucking excited to see me.
HOLY FUCKING SHIT! I WAS AT MY GRANDMA'S HOUSE!
I was kind of freaking out a little. I took the iced tea off of the coaster she had carefully placed it on. . .right next to a FUCKING AARP MAGAZINE! And gulped it down. I was here. Let's do this shit!

We talked for a few minutes, discussing and confirming what we had agreed on over the past few weeks. I told her that the contracts would be mailed to her within 7-10 business days after the interview. As we talked and I concentrated more on my lies, I calmed down. But as the conversation reached its end, she started getting nervous. I finally felt like I was getting a handle on this. I stood and held my hand out to her and asked if she was ready for the interview. She nodded and took my hand. Mine was sweaty, hers was cold. I don't know who was more nervous. I looked for the bedroom and she led me down the hall.
"We'll use the guest room" She said, smiling. "You wait in here. I'll be right back."
That should have been my first clue something was off, but I went into the small room. A queen-sized bed with a pink flowered comforter greeted me. The poodle followed me in and jumped up on it, rolling over on his back so I could pet it's belly. Ivana came through the door about 5 minutes later, but instead of the jeans and striped t-shirt and tennis shoes she had been wearing, she now wore a belted pink bathrobe. She smiled again.
"I change to be more comfortable. You want to get undressed now?" She asked with her thick Russian accent. I stepped forward and took hold of the belt in front, pulling out the bow tie. The robe fell open. I inspected the woman I was about to fuck.

It seems I am a bit long-winded and will have to split this miserable tale up.
Part 2 below.

__________________
All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Arthur Schopenhauer