12-23-2001, 08:04 PM
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Junior Member
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 23
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Jokes
Loved the funny picture thread so here's one just for jokes, dirty or clean (preferably dirty  ).
A young blonde comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true
what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear," replied her mother, pleased that the subject had finally
come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.
"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?"
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment.
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a
lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our
eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the
pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the
eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good, " said the teacher. "Now, Lucy?"
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens
to sell for cooking. We had a dozen eggs one time,
but when they hatched we only got ten chicks.
The moral to this story is, don't count your chickens
until they've hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.
Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm
and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey,
a machine gun, and a machete. "She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran
out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete
until the blade broke and then she killed the last ten
with her bare hands."
"Good heavens!", said the horrified teacher,
"What kind of moral did your daddy give you
from that horrible story?"
"Don't fuck with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
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Ever had any of this happen to you, fellow Pixies members?
You know you've had too much holiday cheer when...
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"
9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.
10.You complain about the small bathroom after emerging
from the closet.
11.You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12.You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's
at your place.
13.You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14.You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize
you're in front of the hall mirror.
15.You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16.You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18.You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19.You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20.You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21.You realize you're the only one under the coffee table.
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12-28-2001, 02:49 PM
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~*Forget Me Not*~
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: In hearts gone by....
Posts: 6,756
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A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the
evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go
at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the
window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the
other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again. The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times.
During the fifth encore, she decides to try it herself. So when they are done she jumps up, goes to the window and takes a deep breath of fresh air, dives under the bed...and finds four Chinese men.
__________________
_______________________
*Diva*
"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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12-30-2001, 01:38 PM
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~*Forget Me Not*~
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: In hearts gone by....
Posts: 6,756
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Santa's Dirty Elves
Two elves go into a bar, where they pick up two
prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first elf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,
he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again.......ONE, TWO, THREE... UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second elf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a
hard on."
The second elf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
"I couldn't even get on the bed"
__________________
_______________________
*Diva*
"Never shall I forget the time I spent with you. Please
continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours."
Ludwig van Beethoven (1770-1827)
"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away."
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12-31-2001, 01:28 AM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraidof spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age.
She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male
virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer.
After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had
indeed never been with a woman and they were married. On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room. Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, "I thought you had never been with a woman."
He replied, "That's true, but if it's anything like screwing a
kangaroo, we're going to need all the room we can get!
Sharniqua
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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12-31-2001, 01:32 AM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the
Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
<click> <click>
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a blow job - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador
answered:
"One of them's a cannibal"
Sharniqua
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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12-31-2001, 01:44 AM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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Eight things you'll never hear a man say :
8. Here honey, you use the remote.
7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore.
Eight things you'll never hear a woman say :
8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?
7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!
5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being 'just friends'
4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?
3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!
Sharniqua
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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12-31-2001, 02:07 AM
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Turn it up!
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: Music City
Posts: 9,293
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A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means.To me it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world."
"On the other hand, Port makes me fart.
__________________
Plug me into somethin'
If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.
No good deed ever goes unpunished
Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.
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12-31-2001, 02:14 AM
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Turn it up!
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: Music City
Posts: 9,293
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies.
While walking around the course the English man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground. Her skirt was over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice. Usually no one notices."
The Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a ten spot. Go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped up and landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt was up over her head revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance I cannot afford to buy undergarments."
With that the Irish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a five spot. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up and landed with her skirt over her head revealing that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation to her irate husband was the same as the others. Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a comb. At least you can tidy yourself up a bit."
__________________
Plug me into somethin'
If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.
No good deed ever goes unpunished
Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.
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12-31-2001, 02:16 AM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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"Feel Like A Woman?"
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten his/her own immediate peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane.
"I can make you feel like a woman," he says.
The guy gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet
black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, slowly unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.
He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman. He then bends over to her and whispers:
"Here.... Iron this"
Sharniqua
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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12-31-2001, 02:20 AM
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Turn it up!
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: Music City
Posts: 9,293
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A few days before he had to go to his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really do have to learn to trust me."
__________________
Plug me into somethin'
If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.
No good deed ever goes unpunished
Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.
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12-31-2001, 02:25 AM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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LOL scotz...that was good
When the man first noticed his member was growing longer, he was delighted. But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to a urologist. While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, though his rare condition could be corrected by minor surgery.
The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.
"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.
"Crutches???" the surprised doctor asked.
"Well, yes," the woman said nonchalantly, "You are going to lengthen his legs aren't you?"
Sharniqua
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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12-31-2001, 02:28 AM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this morning."
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".
Sharniqua
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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12-31-2001, 02:44 AM
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Turn it up!
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Join Date: May 2001
Location: Music City
Posts: 9,293
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Top Ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day"
10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Sqat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes... BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.
AAAANNNND.... the number One thing men would do it they woke up with a vagina for a day
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
__________________
Plug me into somethin'
If the theory does not conform to the facts, then the facts must be discarded.
No good deed ever goes unpunished
Never argue with an idiot. He'll drag you down to his level, & beat you with experience.
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12-31-2001, 04:54 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach wearing just a pair of cutoff jeans. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish. He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.
The Genie pales, and says "Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen."
"OK", the dude says, "tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me, with the best blow job I've ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!"
The Genie shakes his head and says "LET ME SEE THAT MAP AGAIN!"
Sharniqua
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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12-31-2001, 08:54 PM
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<----Snappin' Pussy
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Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Queensland, Australia
Posts: 106,936
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APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, linage and current medical report from your doctor. Please be prepared to submit additional information (like psychological profile and polygraph test) as required.
================================================== =====
Name:___________________________Date of Birth:______________________
Height:____________ Weight:____________ I.Q.___________ GPA:_________
Social Security Number:___________________ Driver's License #:____________
Boy Scout Rank:_____________________________________________ ______
Home Address:____________________________ City:____________________
State:____________________________ Zip Code:_______________________
================================================== =====
How far can you run: 40 yards?_______________ 2 miles?___________________
Do you own a? A)Van____ B)Truck with oversized tires?_____ C)Waterbed?_____
Do you have an earring, nose ring or belly button ring?__________ Tatoo?_________
NOTE: If you answered YES to any part of questions #8,
discontinue the application process and leave the premises!
In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?__________________________
__________________________________________________ _______________
In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?__
__________________________________________________ _______________
In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?__________________
__________________________________________________ _______________
Church you Attend:___________________ How often do you attend?____________
When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and minister?_________
Answer by filling in the blanks. Please answer freely. All answers are confidential.
(That means I won't tell anyone, ever)
If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is the__________.
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is___________________________.
A Women's place is in the _________________________.
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is__________________.
In the unfortunate event of my untimely death, I would like______________to be contacted.
My greatest fear is__________________________________________.
When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is her___________________.
NOTE: If the answer to the last question begins with a "B",
discontinue the application process and leave the premises.
Keep your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.
What do you want to be "IF" you grow up?____________________________
Have you ever been fingerprinted?______ Had a DNA sample taken and recorded?_________
Your dentist is__________________ Emergency phone #_________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT,
UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE,
ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE AND/OR HOT POKERS.
Signature________________________
Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4-6 years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.
Please do not try to call or write.
(It could cause disqualification and injury to your body.)
__________________
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your mouth.
*~Sharni~*
If you go hunting tigers....be prepared when ya catch one!
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