So...I found out a friend of mine who has cancer has just been given very little time to live 0 to 6 months...and likely 2 months or less. We used to work close together and now I see him every few months or so. The cancer came last fall and was a huge surprise.

I have some fond memories with this buddy, and frankly he taught me a few things about being a leader. Also, I am always thrilled that he took a liking to me. He is a 'shop floor' guy and I'm a suburban kid who is an engineer and a manager. I am proud to be his friend. To be accepted and "one of the guys" to folks like that is heady stuff to me. He made a difference to me.

So what should I do? Do I send him a card with a "Thinking of you" etc (something light) or a short note with reflections? I mean I don't want to be a downer here (gee, I hear you're dying and I wanted you to know...)....So what is the right thing?

Don't miss an opportunity to let anyone you care about, dying or otherwise, know that they were important to you. A phone call or note is nice but a visit may be better.

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Visit.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

Jax,

Whatever way you can do it, jet him know how much you appreciate him as an individual. You describe him as a “shop floor” guy; if you can, and he is able, then take him to one of his favorite watering holes and buy him a few rounds.

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Eudaimonia

Thank you for the notes. I do intend to visit him. The watering hole idea is great - and is the last time we met - but I think he's physically unable to go now. He can't walk well now, and it sounds like a permanent hospital bed is in his future (cancer is frightening).

Sneak some of his favourite brew in to him.

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Calm, quiet, smooth, devastating

I think one of the best things you can if/when you do go visit is treat him like a normal person. Don't bring up the cancer and all that. He's thinking of it enough as it is. Talk about normal stuff like crap at work, some of the stupid things you guys got into. I wouldn't attempt the alcohol smuggle, but you might be able to talk to his doctor and see if you can get permission to bring it in. Not sure how they'd feel about a dieing guy getting a last drink.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Once again,



Other than that, do let him know as best you can (without getting all maudlin) that he did make a difference in your life. It's one of the few things he can take with him when he goes.

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You know, "normal people" get cancer; cancer doesn't make you abnormal, it makes you sick. There's a big difference between not dwelling on it and avoiding it, and a lot of folks who are dying are longing to be able to talk about what's happening with them with someone, but since everyone's so busy hoping for miracles and pretending there's nothing wrong, they are left alone with their fear, confusion, and perhaps a need to finish some business. Oftentimes, it's the person who isn't so close that they can talk to, because they don't want to worry their family more than they're already worried. Ignoring their illness seems, to me, insensitive to their reality. A good friend knows and cares about what's going on with their friends, even when it isn't good news. A lot of people miss out on goodbyes that they regret not having because they're so studiously ignoring the elephant in the room.

Personally, I think the greatest gift you can give someone is your ability to sit with whatever they have to say, to really listen, and not assume anything about their needs when you couldn't possibly know. Take your cues from him; ask him, if you're not sure. I have been in that position, and I just say, "Do you want to talk about it, or do you want to be distracted?" And then give him what he needs, not what you need.

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Tell him this. Every bit of it.

And I'll third this...



Spend time with him, don't dwell on his illness, and that'll go a long way toward making whatever time he has left a bit more comfortable.


Btw, I fucking hate cancer.

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Jax...report back! Have you seen him yet? Do it soon!

And if you can't bring alcohol, bring food. Even if he only eats a little, bring him something you know he'll like (big, juicy burger and fries, anyone?).

This experience will be good for you, and for him. Don't wait.

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The "right" thing is what is right for this particular person. You know him better than we.

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AZ, you have a point and maybe I should rephrase. Don't bring it up unless he does. What I meant by treating him like a normal person is don't treat him like a sick child. I've seen it happen several times. Everyone kept asking the "can I get you something, or do something for you" type questions. You are right about taking cues from him, but unless he feels like discussing it, just talk to him like nothing is wrong.

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"BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Will he offer me his mouth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his teeth? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his jaws? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes. GIRL: Again, will he offer me his hunger? BOY: Yes! GIRL: Yes. BOY: On a hot summer night, would you offer your throat to the wolf with the red roses? GIRL: Yes. BOY: I bet you say that to all the boys!" -Meatloaf

Well. I made it over to see him. And it is not so good. He's in hospice care now, it is just waiting for the end. Man, cancer is a viscous thing. It went from bad to this in just under three weeks. He was pretty drugged up. So I talked to his wife, spent a few minutes with him in private and said a few things. Mostly just being there. But I did thank him. And kept it light. It was okay.

So I tried to listen to his wife, for her. And she talked, and I listened. And I guess that was the right thing. Being there and listening. It's what she needed, and my heart says it was what he needed too.

Thanks to all.

(((Jax)))

__________________
Put me on wheels and I'll turn tricks.

Clever? Nah, I ran out of that years ago. But if you find this, let me know, k?
"The road goes ever on..." ~ Tolkien

In memory of my friend skip...
Go then, there are other worlds than these