A Tazer Gun Story.....................
>>
>>
>>Dear Friends,
>>
>>My wife Toni is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
>>something akin to, hey y'all, hold my beer and watch this!" Well, I have
>>outdone myself once again. No doubt you will see this true story
>>chronicled in a LifeTime movie in the near future. Here goes.
>>
>>Last weekend I spied something at Larry's Pistol and Pawn that tickled my
>>fancy. (Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled). I bought
>>something really cool for Toni. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and
>>I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl. What I came
>>across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun with a clip. For
>>those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is a
>>less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to incapacitate
>>an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage electricity while
>>you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short lived, with no
>>long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you adequate
>>time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your 250 lb.
>>tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a slobbering,
>>google-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek. If you've
>>never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly missing
>>out--way too cool!
>>
>>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
>>triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
>>so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
>>directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model would
>>not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love fire
>>for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and pressed it
>>against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting
>>back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking forward to. I did
>>so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity,
>>and a loud pop!!! Yipeeeeee . . I'm easily amused, just for your
>>information, but I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
>>the face of her microwave.
>>
>>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
>>couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
>>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
>>little soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not Gracie) and
>>thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
>>target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie for a fraction of a second and
>>thought better of it. She is such a sweet kitty, after all. But, if I was
>>going to give this thing to Toni to protect herself against a mugger, I
>>did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? Was
>>I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time?
>>
>>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
>>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Tazer
>>in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
>>disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle
>>spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly
>>make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. All the
>>while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long, less
>>than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
>>itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
>>Friggin' way--trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
>>
>>What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
>>Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
>>followed. I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked
>>to one side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second
>>burst from such
>>a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad (sound, rational thinking
>>under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?). I decided to give myself a
>>one-second burst just for the hell of it. (Note: You know, a bad decision
>>is like hindsight--always twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a
>>bad decision after the fact, even though it seemed so right at the time.
>>Don't ya hate that?)
>>
>>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
>>**************! DAaaaauuuuuuMN!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran
>>in through the front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body
>>slammed me on the
>>carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the
>>fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking
>>wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position. Gracie
>>was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
>>licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
>>again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer,
>>one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you
>>zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is
>>dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then,
>>if you're lucky, you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1/4" deep in your
>>thigh like yours truly.) SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be
>>sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits
>>(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading
>>glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My
>>triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt
>>like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>>give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure.
>>
>>By the way, has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away. I'm
>>offering a reward. They're round, rather large, kinda hairy, and handsome
>>if I must say so myself. Miss 'em . . . sure would like to get 'em back.