But, back to the point.....(happy to talk about love, life, divorce and what is or isn't allowed around here...but don't wanna on this guy's dime)

I think you've got two different questions to answer before this conversation happens. The first is "what do I tell her" and the other is "how do I tell her." Two different things. What you tell her should be honest. I have to believe that's always best.

But it's just as important to tell her gently. And what the hell do I mean by that? Allow me to illustrate with an example from my family (one of the things a big, complicated soap opera of a family is useful for):

My Dad's second marriage was ending. It needed to end. Counciling wasn't gonna help. Trying harder wasn't going to help. These two people were making each other miserable....maybe they should never have gotten married, but that was beside the point. They definately needed to get divorced. But my step-monster was a hateful kinda person. She wanted to hurt my father on her way out the door....don't know why....but she did it. And she did it with a version of the truth. I won't include all of it, but he really had been better not knowing all the things she'd done in the time they'd been together. The one thing that strikes me as relevant here is that she told him she'd never been faithful in all the time they'd been maried. 10 years, and she'd always had something on the side.

She said it to hurt him. And it did. It devistated him. And it was true. I don't think it had to be said. I think she owed it to him to let him know she was moving in with someone else....but not that he was better in bed, made her feel wonderful, made her feel the time she spend with Dad was wasted life. She could have chosen to keep the details to herself.

So I agree with all and sundry above...if this has to happen (and I'm not going one way or the other on that one)....it has to be honest. But you owe this woman more than that. You owe her gentleness. While you can't lie about the fact that you're suddenly going to be involved with another woman (especially as you have, if I remember rightly, kids from the previous relationship), don't make that the centerpoint of your departure. It shouldn't be, if it's just highlighted what were already fatal flaws.

Don't get me wrong, there's no way to do this without hurting her. Unless she's secretly been looking for a way to tell you the same thing, you're gonna hurt her. Insofar as hurting people is bad, you're gonna be the bad guy. But if you're convinced that it has to be done, then you have to look on it as surgury rather than assault. Do as little harm as necessary. If the point is that you want to be the best person/father you can be, and that you can't be that in this marriage...tell her that. It's not a judgement of her, you're not saying she's a bad person, it's just not working out. If you have to do it, then be a man about it. Take your hits. Deal with the fact that she's gonna be angry. Deal with the fact that she may have every right to be angry at you. Don't rise to it. Just weather the storm until it comes time to deal with the details. If you've got kids together, you're always going to be a part of each other's lives...like it or not. It's better for everyone, especially the kids, if the break can be kept from getting ugly and personally hurtful.

I've had a child's eye view of many divorces, one way and another. And while I don't regret any one of them, I do believe divorce is necessary for a lot of different reasons...including incompatability, I appreciate fully that some are worse than others. And what yours will be like will depend a lot on how you handle this first step.

Peace to you and yours, however you wind up handling it.

G