Here is the problem:

My younger brother, he’s 24, has got a HUGE drug problem. I do not condemn drug users or abusers. I smoke pot on a regular basis (not while preggers, of course), smoke cigs (I have cut down one pack a month for the baby, I wish I could quit but it is so. damn. hard), drink coffee, eat tons of sugar and get the shakes if I don’t get fast food at least once a week. All drugs. But he is out of control.

He still lives with my parents, and “works” in their hardware store. I put that in quotes because his idea of work is answering the phone and playing computer games. He has been lazy the whole of his life. He never helps out and when he is asked to help, there is always an argument. If he does actually deign to help, all anyone hears about for days is how he mowed the lawn or did the dishes, and all this after begging and pleading with him to get off his ass and do something. I blame my parents for his work ethic; they never made him do chores or get a job like they did with my sister and myself.

I have to say he is not the brightest. I don’t know why, maybe he ate lead paint chips as a kid. He hangs around with losers and defends them as if they are gods. He did graduate high school (barely), and immediately after, my dad gave him a job and paid for school. (Which he pretended to go to for two semesters before my dad saw him at the duncan doughnuts when he was supposed to be in class and we found out he only went the first two classes of each course so he wouldn’t be automatically unregistered by the school’s computers.)

He drank and smoked pot in high school, normal stuff. Then, he got into heavy drinking. Black outs, the works. He is nasty when he’s drunk. On one of these nasty binges, he punched my dad. It was on Christmas Eve for Christ’s sake. I realize that almost all fathers and sons get into it at least once, but he just could not see his own culpability. He blames my father for getting in his face and forcing him to it.

Ok. A year or two goes by and he has stopped smoking pot but now he takes pain pills, coke, the like, on a slightly more than recreational basis. Then he is in a major car accident, again on a holiday, Thanksgiving this time. Stupid car tricks and racing, the driver (who was driving my bother’s car) was fine. My brother messed up one leg and arm very badly. Again, although he almost died, he did not see any fault in this by himself or his friend. Boys will be boys stuff. Ha!

He is in the hospital for months. The doctors have him on oxycotton, morphine, etc. As he heals, they wean him off of course, but he is already hooked. It is obvious from his past behavior he has a weak spot for drugs, and he truly makes no attempt to stop using. To up the high, he starts snorting the pills and taking 5 or 6 at a time.

All his money goes towards drugs. As I said, he lives at home, which is bad enough, and my parents don’t even make him pay rent, car insurance, anything. He is completely supported by them. Ugh!

In the past 2 years or so, he escalated his drug use to include huffing canned air and taking more pain meds in a month than most cancer sufferers would take in a year. He has also stolen money, LOTS of money, from my parents’ store. About $40,000.00 total!!! He has also spent the initial settlement from his accident totaling about $60,000.00. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!

He went to one 28-day rehab program. When he came out he was spouting psychobabble like the most hardened AA survivor. He insisted no one but him could help him. We wanted to help him so badly. We love him. We all knew he was using again within 2 weeks of his release. He went right back to his old friends and his old arrogant attitude. Stole more money. His drug use escalated again to include smoking crack and heroin. And the lies, oh my God, the lies! If one of us found something incriminating, he would dredge up tears and insist he didn’t know where it came from, no one trusted him. If he failed a drug test, he would claim the test was wrong, no one trusted him. Of course we didn’t! He has proved himself to be a liar and a thief!

My parents made more empty threats. I say empty because they NEVER follow up. He was going back to rehab or they were going to kick him out, ban him from the store. Just 3 weeks ago, he went back to rehab for 10 days; it was all the insurance would approve. One day after his release, he took the key to the store, broke in, and stole $200.00 to get some heroin. I was visiting at the time and I was the one who found the copper wire and empty packages. Again he denies it! Un-fucking-believable!!!! We all gather in the kitchen to try to talk to him. He comes clean about it all, great big crocodile tears and the rest. No one can understand what it’s like, he says. He is trying so hard, he says. He is always contrite and remorseful when he is busted. He never comes clean with his behavior on his own, yet he insists he wants to get better whenever he gets caught, all the same old AA psychobabble comes spewing out of his mouth. He will blame anyone but himself; it’s because we pressure him with questions, because my parents drink and keep alcohol in the house, because…whatever! Nevertheless, the next day he made no attempt to do all the things he claims are so important in an addict’s recovery. He slept until noon, did nothing productive. He claims he feels such tremendous guilt about how this hurts us all but his actions say he couldn’t give two shits.

The thing is, no one is mad about the relapses. His laziness and thievery, well, yes, that pisses everyone off to no end. But we all understand why an addict relapses. We just can’t believe he really wants help, though. If he does, why doesn’t he call a mentor from AA or one of us BEFORE he steals money or uses? Just 2 hours before he stole this last bit if cash, I was talking to him, telling him I could see something was wrong and he went off on me like an evangelistic preacher. I went away crying and now I feel guilty because I couldn’t stop him and maybe even pushed him to it.

His addiction has contaminated every one of us. We all feel the disease. I want my parents to have him arrested for stealing, or at the very least kick him out of the house. Let him try to survive on his own. They get really mad at me whenever I tell them to cut line. I think I can understand that. I have kids and I don’t know how many times I would turn the other cheek, so to speak, before giving up. I think I would eventually, though. When it starts to destroy the rest of your family, something has just got to give. How can they sacrifice the rest of us for him? After all he has done to their business, how can they still say they need him to be a part of it?

This thread is getting too long now, so I will refrain from all the specific examples of his shit-head behavior, even though I want to vent so badly. They would fill up 1,000 pages and still not cover it all. Suffice it to say he is probably typical of any and all drug addicts. I’m sure he is better than some and worse than others. He is always comparing himself to the real dirtbags in recovery, the ones who have nothing and no one who cares. We love him, have given him time and patience, a place to live, food to eat. Time and again he spits it back in our faces. I really think he has got to go. My parents cannot be responsible for their 24-year-old son forever, can they? They are in their 60’s, they should be trying to enjoy whatever time they have left together, instead they drift further apart with every wound my asshole brother inflicts.

I have researched a lot about drug abuse, read the AA bible, tried to help my parents cope. I realize my scant knowledge may be even more dangerous to the situation then if I knew nothing at all, but from what I have learned I really think it is time for us, for me at least, to say ‘So long, brother. I hope you don’t end up sleeping in a van down by the river but I frankly don’t care anymore.’

Has anyone else been there, done that? Any advice? I will listen to anything anyone has to say. I feel so angry and helpless. I just don’t know what to do. (I really am sorry this is so long, I got carried away)