MOOD RING

My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood
ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.


WOMEN'S HUMOUR

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said,
"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.



A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."

The woman says, "I'll miss you."



Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour



He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you've succeeded.



He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.



He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat
bastard.



Q:What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A:45 minutes



Q:What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A:Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Q:Why do men want to marry virgins?
A:They can't stand criticism.



Q:Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A:Because those men already have boyfriends.



Q:What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A:The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind