Mary had a little skirt
With slits right up the sides
And every time that Mary walked,
The boys could see her thighs.
Mary had another skirt
‘twas split right up the front
…but she didn’t wear that one very often.


Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
Between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn’t the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you dickhead.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Said “Fuck him, he’s only an egg.”

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its ass
And turned its wool to nylon.

Georgie Porgy puddin’ and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, ‘cause he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forget her pill
And now there’s little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
To fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.