I hear you all! and I know it, i know what I have to do, my head tells me what the right thing is to do but my damn heart just won't let me do it. You see this is LOVE for me (I've never ever felt this before, never even come close to being in love) and yet I allow him to treat me this way! I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me but I do know that I deserve so much better. We have been together for 3 years and lived together for 1, he has only been working nights for 3 months before that he was working 7 hour days and still did the same thing only he would get on the computer about a hour after he got home and sometimes stay on it until 4 or 5 in the morning.

I actually think he is a bit confused sexually because alot of his porn is gay porn. I know I can hear you all saying well why the fuck are you with him? and to be honest I don't know, Love? or maybe he is just giving me something I need right now, emotionally, not that it is much that he is giving. This past 4 years I've lost someone very close to me and a baby, something else has happened to me that I'd rather not mention that has caused alot of emotional stress, so maybe it's just I need him around me?

We have broken up 3 times, once because he wasn't sure if he was over his ex and ready to commit to a serious relationship and the other 2 times were because I left him due to the same thing that is happening now, we talked about the gay porn and he said it is something he fantasises about but would never want to act it out. We talked about the fact he doesn't spend time with me and he says he is just needs his space and a place to unwind and relax. We talked about making sure he was in love with me and over his ex and he said he was and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and have children. He said watching me walk out the door for the 2nd time shattered him and he realised how much he loved me.

I don't like arguments and I tend to just grin and bear it and cry alone but I know I can only take so much, last time I left him he begged me to come back to him and that he would change, well he did, for 2 weeks, and I am sorry but I just cannot ask someone to change for me they have to want to change for themselves first or it will just be the same thing happening over and over again either that or they will end up resenting me.

BUT on saying all that and sounding like I am just a weak woman I do know what I want in a relationship and what I need and I know that I will not be able to take much more of this and I do forsee myself leaving him, and if I do it will be for GOOD, once I leave him I will not go back, no matter how much this aching ol heart of mine wants him back, he's shown he can and will never change but I'm just holding on a little bit longer for that "maybe he will". Not much longer though, I can't take it for much longer. I know there are plenty more guys out there but first I need to deal with this then get over it. I keep telling myself it's not love if it makes me cry more than it makes me smile, I know I'm right.

Oh boy, I've just read what I wrote and I sound so STUPID, don't I? allowing a guy to treat me like this and hurt me this many times and yet still go back to him. You all must think I am plain stupid! but hey your all right, I am stupid for allowing him to hurt me and I am stupid for almost telling him it's ok to do this to me. I guess maybe he will be the "first love that we all have and remember" he will be the one that stays tucked in the corner of my heart to look back on occasionally, the one I will think about when something reminds me of him then look into the eyes of someone who really cares for me and really loves me enough to want to show it and know that all those years ago I made the right choice when I decided to let go of him. Yes? Ahh love wasn't ment to be easy. I can do this, I know I can.

osouche: thank you and I hope things get better for you =) love to pm you.

Loulabelle : "sigh" if only it were that easy, I have on many times taken the initative to strip or just take what I want and he either mockingly laughs at me or tells me he's just too tired and I don't like to be intimate with someone who is not wanting it as much as I do. The times that we do make love are great and get better each time but they are so few and far between I am starting to feel like "fuck it I don't want to do this" they do say the longer you go without sex the less you want it.

darogle : your right I do have to sit him down and I will, just not sure when, I was going to give it 3 more months and then tell him it's just not a happening thing anymore, I hate hurting people!

bigbear : he is addicted and he knows it, not just to porn but the whole computer thing, I know it, he knows it. thanks for your thoughts.

belial and dm388 : yes I have tried to get him just out for a day and he says yes but when the day comes he's too tired, he did promise me he would go to counselling after I left him but now he says he has it under control. I know he doesn't. He thinks that the time he spends with me when he first comes home is good enough, all 15 minutes of it, half an hour if I am lucky. His sister suggested I just start going out without him and I think I might do just that.

whothe : aww I am sorry, I guess after a baby things can change but she should talk to you about it and express her thoughts and feelings on what she is going through emotionally and mentally so that maybe you can understand. Have you tried talking to her? I imagine you have, heh look at me the one with the problem trying to give advice and my love life sux! hope it works out for you.

Casper : lol, yes I do have a boyfriend, for how much longer I have no idea. believe me I have tried all the tricks to seducing and there is only so many knock backs a girl can handle as I am sure it is the same for guys, It's come to the point I am just about ready to give up! and thanks for the invite to melbourne who knows one day I may just make it down there, I can get a transfer from the real estate to there ;-). Got a spare room?

thanks all for your advice and thoughts, much appreciated =-)

__________________
"Life is a mystery to be lived, not a problem to be solved."(Van Kaam)