I was evicted from my ranch today due to bankruptcy.
I put up a good fight, but in the end I was deranged.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

I was at the store late the other night. When it was time to pay for groceries, the cashier said, “Strip down, facing me.” Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security going too far, I did just as instructed. When the shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I learned that the cashier was referring to my credit card.