Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink
like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim"..
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.*** When I was a child I thought "Nap
Time" was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down, I'll
remember it."

I don't have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.

Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a
piece of paper.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me
to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

I am a Seenager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a
teenager, only 60 years later.

I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the whisky store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don't have acne.

Life is great. I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I
can't remember their names.