1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds ... only 15 to go ...

2. Ate salad for dinner ... mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just on big round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... and cheese. FINE ... it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza.

3. I just did a weeks worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...

4. How to prepare Tofu: 1. Throw it in the trash. 2. Grill some meat.

5. I don't mean to brag, but ... I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.

10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ... hmmm ... I forgot where I was going with this.

11. I love being over 70 ... I learn something new every day ... and forget five others.

12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money ... so I woke up and searched with him.

13. My dentist told me I needed a Crown ... so I said, "You bet,pour my over rocks."

14. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

"JUST REMEMBER, ONCE YOU'RE OVER THE HILL YOU BEGIN TO PICK UP SPEED."