Originally Posted by Oldfart

If Music Be the Feud of Love . . . . .

Q: What's the difference between a soprano and a rottweiler ?
A: Lipstick.

Q: How do lute players spend their time?
A: They spend 80% of their time tuning and 20% if their time playing out
of tune.

Q: What do trumpet players use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune?
A: The bow is moving.

Q: How are a bagpipe player and blind javelin thrower alike?
A: Neither has to be very good to get everybody's attention.

Crescendo: A reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

Discord: Not to be confused with Datcord.

Espressivo: Close eyes and play with a wide vibrato.
.
Lamentoso: With handkerchiefs.

Mean-Tone Temperament: One's state of mind when everybody's trying to
tune at the same time.

Q: What are burning oboes used for?
A: To set bassoons on fire.

Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
A: You get your job and your wife back.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?
A: Two flutes playing a unison

Q: What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop an onion into pieces.

Q: What is the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before jumping on the trampoline.

Q: What do you call someone who hangs around a bunch of musicians?
A: A drummer.

Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking speeds up.

Q: How do you tell when a singer is at your door?
A: He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in.

Q: What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common?
A: When you plug them in, they suck.

Q: What does it mean when the guitar player is drooling out of both
sides of his mouth?
A: The stage is level.

Q: How many guitarists does it take to read a page of sheet music?
A: When you find one who can, ask.

Q: What do you do when a guitar player comes to your door?
A: Pay him for the pizza and shut the door quickly

Q: How many producers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you think?

Q: What's the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A: A dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q: What's the difference between a frog driving down the road in a car
and a trombone player driving down the road in a car?
A: The frog might be driving to a gig.