A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
> > >
> > >
> > > Dear Diary,
> > >
> > > For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of
> > > personal training at the local health club for me.
> > >
> > > Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
> > > cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
> > > and give it a try.
> > >
> > > I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> > > Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
> > > model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
> > >
> > > My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
> > > encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
> > >
> > > MONDAY:
> > >
> > > Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
> > > well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting
> > > for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair,dancing
> > > eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and
> > > showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
> > > conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
> > >
> > > Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
> > > aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
> > > This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
> > >
> > > TUESDAY:
> > >
> > > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> > >
> > > Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
> > > then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> > > treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
> > > all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
> > >
> > > WEDNESDAY:
> > >
> > > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> > > counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
> > > hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
> > > steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> > >
> > > Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> > > club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
> > > and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> > > My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the
> > > stair monster. Why the Hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> > > activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
> > >
> > > Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said
> > > some other shit too.
> > >
> > > THURSDAY :
> > >
> > > Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> > > thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
> > > a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
> > >
> > > Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I
> > > ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
> > >
> > >
> > > Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
> > >
> > > FRIDAY :
> > >
> > > I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any
> > > other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
> > > anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move
> > > without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
> > >
> > > Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!
> > > And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damned
> > > barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill
> > > flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
> > >
> > > Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
> > > choir director?
> > >
> > > SATURDAY :
> > >
> > > Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> > > voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> > > want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> > > strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
> > > hours of the Weather Channel.
> > >
> > > SUNDAY :
> > >
> > > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> > > thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> > > daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
> > > a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
> > > over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

__________________
DAMN, YOU ARE A SEXY ONE-skipthisone

I beleive in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve, and I beleive in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days. Kevin Costner/Bull Duram

"Your body as well as mine has needs. This is juat a little foreplay to highten our desire for each other. If we play out the game of love to it's natural conclusion, you'll experience fulfillment. Give yourself up to me and I'll guide you along the path to pareadise. Together we will be like fire and ice, love and hate, life and death." Virginia Henley

WANTED: a moment when you kiss someone and eveything around you becomes hazy. And the only thing in focus is you and this person and you relize that he is the only person your suppose to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift. You want to laugh and you want to cry. Cause you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared it will all go away at the same time.