PETS
>>
>>To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.
>>
>>Dear Dogs and Cats,
>>
>>The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other
>>dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in
>>the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming
>>your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
>>slightest.
>>
>>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me
>>to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
>>faster than you can run.
>>
>>I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
>>this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
>>comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
>>It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to
>>the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
>>and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing
>>but sarcasm.
>>
>>For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by
>>some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
>>necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
>>the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door
>>I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
>>feline attendance is not required.
>>
>>The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I
>>cannot stress this enough!
>>
>>To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our
>>front door:
>>
>>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
>>
>>1. They live here. You don't.
>>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture!
>>(That's why they call it "fur"nature.)
>>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
>>4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is
>>short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
>>
>>Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
>>1. Eat less
>>2. Don't ask for money all the time
>>3 Are easier to train
>>4. Normally come when called
>>5. Never ask to drive the car
>>6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
>>7. Don't smoke or drink
>>8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
>>9. Don't want to wear your clothes
>>10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college.
>>
>>
>>And finally,
>>
>>
>>11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children
>>