GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007:
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
> > > classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
> > > people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
> > > like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
> > > of the football team is doing these days -- mowing
> > > my lawn.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
> > > out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
> > > acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
> > > a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
> > > dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
> > > sex with their hot , blonde teachers are permanently
> > > damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
> > > "Lucky bastards."
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
> > > Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you
> > > have two of them? Okay, we're done.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
> > > There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
> > > supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.
> > > Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
> > > You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
> > > and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is
> > > introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square,
> > > with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom.
> > > And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it,
> > > his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations,
> > > Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
> > > order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
> > > Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy,
> > > half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
> > > cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
> > > Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a
> > > huge asshole.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
> > > characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's
> > > right above the crack of your ass. And it translates
> > > to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did
> > > anything spiritual, you were praying to God you
> > > weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just
> > > high.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it
> > > used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies
> > > and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking
> > > out the stuff you want and having other people buy
> > > it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
> > > version of looting.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more
> > > bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is
> > > offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex
> > > with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
> > > supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
> > > fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I
> > > just want to wash my hands.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I
> > > don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do
> > > just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really
> > > care in the first place.
> > >
> > >
> > > New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult
> > > and want a job that pays better than minimum wage,
> > > then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
> > > available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your
> > > future around saying, "Do you want fries with that?"
> > >
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