PREPARATION



Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish male. Arriving
back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional aphrodisiac - 12
pints, a white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions his mind is set on
one thing LOVE! Or as he says, "Ma nookie!"


His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's
dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words
of passion, "Any chance o' ma hole?"


The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of
stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his
chin, is at first somewhat reluctant.


This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, "Awa tae
f_ck, ya bampot, ye!"





FOREPLAY


Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of The male
casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife,
usually landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing
the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, "Here we go, here we go, Here we
go."


Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This
is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.





INITIAL PROBLEMS


After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to
extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's
self-esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle
and sensitive words of encouragement such as, "Ya useless b@stard, "or
possibly, "I'll tell ye wan thing...it never happens tae the Milkman."





FELLATIO


Oral is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with
a cheeky invitation, "How'd ye like tae pit yer teeth roon this Daphne?"
Although the lady's name is not Daphne, she will nod willingly and point
suggestively to her falsies smiling happily on the bedside tumbler.
"Guan yersel," she says, "jist dinnae bother me."


Undeterred by this slight rejection, the man drives enthusiastically to
perform such a service for his wife. .!





DOWN TO BUSINESS


Eventually the moment comes to consumate their tender love. Again,
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides
which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement
he may suffer from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he
explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, "F_ck me, I've shoat ma
load."


If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his
wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps,
informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.


An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women
like to be spoken dirty to, says such things as, "Snotters, Shite,
a*sehole." The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his
mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if she
should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement
such as, "Are you sure its in?"


Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should
be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the
form of a breathless shout, "Ooyah,ooyah, gallus big man."


Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his willie on her
nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.


Aye, there's no doubt about it, there's no one in the world performs
quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.



I would like to point out at this point.............. this IS a joke!!

DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind