PET RULES
> >>
> >>To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -- nose height.
> >>
> >>Dear Dogs and Cats:
> >>
> >> The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
>other
> >>dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in
> >>the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming
>your
> >>food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the
>slightest.
> >>The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating
>me
> >>to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I
fall
> >>faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king
sized
> >>bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping
>on
> >>the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl
up in
>a
> >>ball when they sleep.
> >>
> >>It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched
out
>to
> >>the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight
>out
> >>and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
>nothing
> >>but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
> >>bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the
door
> >>shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the
knob or
>get
> >>your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
>through
> >>the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for
years
>--
> >>canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
> >>
> >>The proper order is kiss me, THEN go smell the other dog or cat's
butt.
>I
> >>cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have
posted
>the
> >>following message on our front door:
> >>
> >>To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our
Pets:
> >>
> >>1. They live here. You don't.
> >>2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
> >>(That's why they call it furniture).
> >>3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
> >>4. To you, it's an animal -- to me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter
>who
> >>is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
Remember:
> >>Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
> >> 1. Eat less.
> >> 2. Don't ask for money all the time.
> >> 3. Are easier to train.
> >> 4. Usually come when called.
> >> 5. Never drive your car.
> >> 6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends.
> >> 7. Don't smoke or drink alcoholic beverages.
> >> 8. Don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions
> >> 9. Don't wear your clothes.
> >> 10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and
> >> 11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
>
>---------------------------------