Man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house yelling to

his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All £10,000,000....

Woooohooo!!!!"

That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", he replies, "Just f**k off!"

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up,and brings it

into the car.

"Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?", she asks.

Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm. "

"But what about the smell?", she says

"Hold its nose.", comes the reply

------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?", she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!!"


------------------------------------------------------------------------ --


A guy with a black eye boards his plane and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye too. He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes, mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with one of the finest looking pair of breasts I've ever seen was there so instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh', I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh' So she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable, mine was a tongue twister too.I was at the breakfast table this morning and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey' But I accidentally said, 'you ruined my life you fat evil slag'."




------------------------------------------------------------------------ --Phone Tale:

"Hello?"

"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?"

"No,Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy right now"

"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run

upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?" he asks.

"Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's dead."

"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool...but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's dead too."


***long pause***


***more pause****


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"


DM

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind