A Glesga burd walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter. "Ah'll be back ra morra efternin tae pick up ma dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear. "Naw" she replies. "This time
it's mayonnaise."

Glesga burd enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall." She says "Gies that rid
yin" The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

A Glesga burd is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding.
The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Morag."
Medic: "OK Morag, is this your car?"
Morag: "Aye."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Morag: "Springburn."

A Glesga burd was driving down the M8 when her car phone rang. It was her
boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Listen Doll, I just heard on the news that
thur's a motor gawn the wrang wie oan the M8. Better watch yersel'!" "It's
no' jist wan motor!" said the girl, "There's fuckin' hunners o' them!"

Another Glesga burd was involved in a serious crash; there's blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till
she's lying flat out on the floor.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Danielle: "Ok."
Medic: "Ok then how many fingers am I putting up?"
Danielle: "Oh my god I'm paralysed from the waist down!"

__________________
The selfish, they're all standing in line
Faithing and hoping to buy themselves time
Me, I figure as each breath goes by
I only own my mind