This is a hoot. Enjoy.
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> If everyone went back to writing checks and requiring bills to be
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> mailed to us most financial institutions would be ruined
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> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by a
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> 96-year-old woman. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to
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> have it published in the New York Times.
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>
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> Dear Sir:
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> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I
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> endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
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> nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and
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> the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
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> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire
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> salary, an arrangement, which I admit, has been in place for only
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> eight years.
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> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity,
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> and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the
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> inconvenience caused to your bank.
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> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
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> caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that
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> whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters,
when
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> I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal,
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> overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity, which your bank has
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> become.
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> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood
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> person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter
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> no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check,
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> addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank
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> whom you must nominate.
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> Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other
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> person to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application
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> Contact Status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I
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> am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much
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> about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no
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> alternative.
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> Please note that, all copies of his or her medical history must be
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> countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of
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> his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities)
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> must be accompanied by documented proof. In due course, I will issue
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> your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in dealings
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> with me.
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> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
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> modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access
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> my account balance on your phone bank service.
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> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me
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> level the playing field even further. When you call me, press the
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> buttons as follows:
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> 1. To make an appointment to see me.
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> 2. To query a missing payment.
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> 3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
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> 4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
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> 5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to
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> nature.
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> 6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
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> 7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my
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> computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a
later
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> date to the Authorized Contact.
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> 8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
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> 9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then
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> be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering
service.
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> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music
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> ! will play for the duration of the call.
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> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
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> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
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> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New
Year.
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> Your Humble Client
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> (Remember: This was written by a 96-year-old woman)
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> That A Girl!!!!!!!!!