drug abuse in the family
 

Here is the problem:

My younger brother, he’s 24, has got a HUGE drug problem. I do not condemn drug users or abusers. I smoke pot on a regular basis (not while preggers, of course), smoke cigs (I have cut down one pack a month for the baby, I wish I could quit but it is so. damn. hard), drink coffee, eat tons of sugar and get the shakes if I don’t get fast food at least once a week. All drugs. But he is out of control.

He still lives with my parents, and “works” in their hardware store. I put that in quotes because his idea of work is answering the phone and playing computer games. He has been lazy the whole of his life. He never helps out and when he is asked to help, there is always an argument. If he does actually deign to help, all anyone hears about for days is how he mowed the lawn or did the dishes, and all this after begging and pleading with him to get off his ass and do something. I blame my parents for his work ethic; they never made him do chores or get a job like they did with my sister and myself.

I have to say he is not the brightest. I don’t know why, maybe he ate lead paint chips as a kid. He hangs around with losers and defends them as if they are gods. He did graduate high school (barely), and immediately after, my dad gave him a job and paid for school. (Which he pretended to go to for two semesters before my dad saw him at the duncan doughnuts when he was supposed to be in class and we found out he only went the first two classes of each course so he wouldn’t be automatically unregistered by the school’s computers.)

He drank and smoked pot in high school, normal stuff. Then, he got into heavy drinking. Black outs, the works. He is nasty when he’s drunk. On one of these nasty binges, he punched my dad. It was on Christmas Eve for Christ’s sake. I realize that almost all fathers and sons get into it at least once, but he just could not see his own culpability. He blames my father for getting in his face and forcing him to it.

Ok. A year or two goes by and he has stopped smoking pot but now he takes pain pills, coke, the like, on a slightly more than recreational basis. Then he is in a major car accident, again on a holiday, Thanksgiving this time. Stupid car tricks and racing, the driver (who was driving my bother’s car) was fine. My brother messed up one leg and arm very badly. Again, although he almost died, he did not see any fault in this by himself or his friend. Boys will be boys stuff. Ha!

He is in the hospital for months. The doctors have him on oxycotton, morphine, etc. As he heals, they wean him off of course, but he is already hooked. It is obvious from his past behavior he has a weak spot for drugs, and he truly makes no attempt to stop using. To up the high, he starts snorting the pills and taking 5 or 6 at a time.

All his money goes towards drugs. As I said, he lives at home, which is bad enough, and my parents don’t even make him pay rent, car insurance, anything. He is completely supported by them. Ugh!

In the past 2 years or so, he escalated his drug use to include huffing canned air and taking more pain meds in a month than most cancer sufferers would take in a year. He has also stolen money, LOTS of money, from my parents’ store. About $40,000.00 total!!! He has also spent the initial settlement from his accident totaling about $60,000.00. OH MY FUCKING GOD!!!!!

He went to one 28-day rehab program. When he came out he was spouting psychobabble like the most hardened AA survivor. He insisted no one but him could help him. We wanted to help him so badly. We love him. We all knew he was using again within 2 weeks of his release. He went right back to his old friends and his old arrogant attitude. Stole more money. His drug use escalated again to include smoking crack and heroin. And the lies, oh my God, the lies! If one of us found something incriminating, he would dredge up tears and insist he didn’t know where it came from, no one trusted him. If he failed a drug test, he would claim the test was wrong, no one trusted him. Of course we didn’t! He has proved himself to be a liar and a thief!

My parents made more empty threats. I say empty because they NEVER follow up. He was going back to rehab or they were going to kick him out, ban him from the store. Just 3 weeks ago, he went back to rehab for 10 days; it was all the insurance would approve. One day after his release, he took the key to the store, broke in, and stole $200.00 to get some heroin. I was visiting at the time and I was the one who found the copper wire and empty packages. Again he denies it! Un-fucking-believable!!!! We all gather in the kitchen to try to talk to him. He comes clean about it all, great big crocodile tears and the rest. No one can understand what it’s like, he says. He is trying so hard, he says. He is always contrite and remorseful when he is busted. He never comes clean with his behavior on his own, yet he insists he wants to get better whenever he gets caught, all the same old AA psychobabble comes spewing out of his mouth. He will blame anyone but himself; it’s because we pressure him with questions, because my parents drink and keep alcohol in the house, because…whatever! Nevertheless, the next day he made no attempt to do all the things he claims are so important in an addict’s recovery. He slept until noon, did nothing productive. He claims he feels such tremendous guilt about how this hurts us all but his actions say he couldn’t give two shits.

The thing is, no one is mad about the relapses. His laziness and thievery, well, yes, that pisses everyone off to no end. But we all understand why an addict relapses. We just can’t believe he really wants help, though. If he does, why doesn’t he call a mentor from AA or one of us BEFORE he steals money or uses? Just 2 hours before he stole this last bit if cash, I was talking to him, telling him I could see something was wrong and he went off on me like an evangelistic preacher. I went away crying and now I feel guilty because I couldn’t stop him and maybe even pushed him to it.

His addiction has contaminated every one of us. We all feel the disease. I want my parents to have him arrested for stealing, or at the very least kick him out of the house. Let him try to survive on his own. They get really mad at me whenever I tell them to cut line. I think I can understand that. I have kids and I don’t know how many times I would turn the other cheek, so to speak, before giving up. I think I would eventually, though. When it starts to destroy the rest of your family, something has just got to give. How can they sacrifice the rest of us for him? After all he has done to their business, how can they still say they need him to be a part of it?

This thread is getting too long now, so I will refrain from all the specific examples of his shit-head behavior, even though I want to vent so badly. They would fill up 1,000 pages and still not cover it all. Suffice it to say he is probably typical of any and all drug addicts. I’m sure he is better than some and worse than others. He is always comparing himself to the real dirtbags in recovery, the ones who have nothing and no one who cares. We love him, have given him time and patience, a place to live, food to eat. Time and again he spits it back in our faces. I really think he has got to go. My parents cannot be responsible for their 24-year-old son forever, can they? They are in their 60’s, they should be trying to enjoy whatever time they have left together, instead they drift further apart with every wound my asshole brother inflicts.

I have researched a lot about drug abuse, read the AA bible, tried to help my parents cope. I realize my scant knowledge may be even more dangerous to the situation then if I knew nothing at all, but from what I have learned I really think it is time for us, for me at least, to say ‘So long, brother. I hope you don’t end up sleeping in a van down by the river but I frankly don’t care anymore.’

Has anyone else been there, done that? Any advice? I will listen to anything anyone has to say. I feel so angry and helpless. I just don’t know what to do. (I really am sorry this is so long, I got carried away)
:(

About all I can add is that your parents are enabling his addiction and until he hits rock bottom and decides it's time to truly sober up, he will continue on as he is, and until your parents kick him out and/or have him arrested, he won't hit rock bottom.

Good luck wyndhy, I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. ((Hugs))

It’s so hard to tell you what should happen. I am not or have never been in a situation. But something tells me that your parents need to stop supporting the habit also. They need to make a stand and either ask him to find somewhere else to live or have him arrested for theft. I personally would have a hard time doing this to my son.

All I can say in the end is god bless you and your family.

Hocque


EDIT: AQUA and I think a like.

Also Oxycontin is one of the worse drugs ever. The state is considering sueing worker's comp here because so many patients were given it and now have lifetime addictions. I'm sorry for your family's pain.

Like said above, he has to hit rock bottom. However, until your parents open their eyes and realize THEIR role in his addiction, he never will. He has an endless source of cash, and drugs. What he doesn't make himself, he steals from his family.

I'd suggest having the cops called next time he breaks in, and they let the police deal with his behaviour. Family or not, love has no factor in how he treats anyone, so why should you guys have to rip your hearts out trying to help someone?

One day, he'll find himself alone, living on the streets, and very likely dying from all the abuse, with no one there to clean up after him. Then he'll realize how much he is missing.

You can hope and pray with all your heart that things change, but like he even said himself, until he wants to change, he won't.

My sister in law isn't nearly as bad as you've described, but one of the best things that ever happened for her coke, pot, and alcohol addiciton, was getting arrested for domestic violence, and attacking the arresting officer. She got her arm broke in the ordeal, as well as 28 days in rehab. Once she got out of rehab, for a year, she has to go to weekly meetings for addiction, and she has blood tests done randomly once a month, and a schedualed one once a month. They can pull her in the day after her scheduled one, or they can wait 20 days. She never knows when it will happen, so it scared her into going straight.

If she messes up on 1 test, she goes back to rehab for 2 months, and has a full year of tests and meetings after it, and if she messes up a 2nd time, she has a year in jail.

When he gets in a rage, and attacks those around him, that's domestic abuse, CALL THE COPS. There is no reason to sit around watching it. If your parents don't agree, oh well. The cops can handle him.

I grew up with an alcoholic father .... he was what is called a "functional" alcoholic ... in other words, he held down a regular job without his drinking creating so much of a problem that he got booted. Nevertheless, he was an alcoholoic (I say was because he died a few years ago) Addiction is NOT something you recover from fully ... that's why the say someone is recovering when they are working THE program, the younger a person is when they began using substances abusively, the worse their particular version is likely to be.

I understand your pain, though my father didn't do many of the things you are naming, still his addiction affected every part of our lives while I and my siblings were growing up. To this day I have a difficult time being around anyone who has been drinking, all my senses go on full alert and I feel like I'm in an open pit no knowing where the next attack may come from .....

There are a couple of things you should recognize ... addicts are masters at throwing the blame off of themselves .... you feel guilty because he went off and acted out a few hours after you spoke with him, maybe it was your fault you say ..... NO!!!! stop right there, the minute he can get you to feel like it might have been your fault, he stops worrying about what he did cause as far as he's concerned you just accepted the responsibility.

You can't change how your parents react, though you can continue to remind them that the path they are following isn't working .... and continuing down the same path is unlikely to get different results in the future, just more of the same. Help them to understand that it is no longer their fault that he is the way he is .... he's an adult and is capable of making his own choices and that is not their fault. Even if they are enabling him (which they are) he is an adult and is capable of making his own decisions. Until everyone in the pictures recognizes that he is responsible for his own actions and choices ... he will not change. Being responsible means that he must accept the consequences of his actions. Stealing from someone (even if it is your parents) is still against the law.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk .... I've spent a lot of years dealing with these issues in my life and helping others deal with them in their lives ... not as a professional, but as a friend. There are many here at pixies who will be willing to offer support and strength if need be in your times of trial and difficulty. :) Fzzy

thank you all for your kind (understament!) words and thoughts on this thread and for the pm's i've received, too.

<--------------((((((everyone!)))))

i really do want to call the cops on him, but i am afraid my parents will hate me if i do. but more than that, i wish i could wave my magic wand and make it all go away. does anyone have a magic wand i could borrow. i'll give it right back, i swear:)

I'm so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through, but I have been there and know that all I can do is pray for you and be here if you need to talk.

My dad is an alcoholic (alcohol free for 20 years now) and my stepdad died an alcoholic. Alcohol and drug abuse are illnesses, diseases and can't be cured with a "quick fix".

My brother is now 37 and from what I hear he is still struggling with addictions of one type or another. When he was 22 he got in trouble with the law by striking an officer and ended up in jail, my mom bailed him out and I let him move in with me, my husband and our newborn son. Little did I know that he was on drugs, I had no clue. After several weeks of taking him back and forth to town to "look for a job" I finally had enough and told him I was through. He threatened to kill me and my son!!! It wasn't until then that I knew he was crazy!! I took my son and went to a neighbors, where I left my son. I went back home, packed my brother's stuff and dropped him at the end of town, driving off crying and not knowing what would happen to him. Do you know that after he straightened out and I talked about this to him, he remembered none of it...all those years and still today I feel guilty for dropping him off with nothing and no one and abadoning him!

It turned out that he hitchhiked to N.C., moved in with my uncle, straightened himself out, went to college, got his art degree, moved to Myrtle Beach and got married. Everyone in the family was so happy that he was now ok.............but, he got into drugs again, lost his wife due to this, lost his $80,000 year graphic art job, stole from the people he worked with and ended up right back where he was.

He is now living in New Mexico, I believe, he doesn't speak to me any more since I told him it was time to get his shit together and grow up. He has an addictive personality, I believe he needs counseling and I also believe that addictions like alcoholism can be inheirited.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that no matter what you do or don't do, no matter what your mom and dad do or don't do..your brother has to make the decision to change..no one can do it for him.

Sorry I rambled on...please let me know if I can do anything to help.

Aqua has it right. We've lived through it and tough love is the only answer. It may not save him, but nothing else will. It also doesn't mean you don't care what happens to him. (double negative if you're keepin track) Just the opposite. Best of luck.

((((((((((((wyndhy))))))))))) I hope you find the answers you need Hon. I too grew up in an alcoholic home. Like others, Dad was a functional alcoholic. Still things got pretty messy at times. I saw him recover though and become a man on a misson. He spent the best of 20 years trying to help others addicted. I've been involved in a few "rescue missions" myself. It's never easy. You'll need to find your own way of coping with the guilt and pains he causes. I'd suggest a few Alanon meetings. These people are those who share the same problems. Its not for everyone but I've seen some great things come from this group. Whatever you try I wish you God's speed. As you've seen, there are any number friends available here as well. Vent, scream, reach out and use us as you will. We're only too happy to be any help we can.

They very likely will get upset, as so far, they've taken no actions against him themselves. Explain it like this:

If he were a stranger off the streets who broke in and stole money, wouldn't you have called the cops?
If he was a stranger who physically attacked you, wouldn't you call the cops?
If he were a stranger who put you through all these antics, theft, drugs, abuse, both physical and mental, wouldn't you think the person needed help?
Then ask, so why is it ok for him to do it?
Wouldn't you rather we were the ones who got him help now, before he is a stranger who does this to some unsuspecting victims?
If he has no problem doing these things to family, what's to stop him from doing it to a family down the road, or the people who just had a baby a block away? And if he does, what's to say he won't get shot in the process, or worse yet, that he won't kill others in a burglery attempt, like children?


If they can't see your point after that, then they never will. My mother in law is an enabler of the worst kind. She not only ignores that it's a problem, she helps supply the alcohol and drug money. One would think she were the one with the problem the way she defends Rochelle, and blames others long before Rochelle can.

She now has a baby that through all this, she has to take care of. Or, what she actually does- she baby sits her daughter while my MiL goes to work.

One day, she very nearly hurt her daughter after going into a drug and alcohol induced rage. With the baby laying on the floor in the room, she started to physically attack her boyfriend, to the point of throwing beer bottles and glasses at him. He was sitting next to the baby, though very luckily none hit her. When he had someone take the baby, and sit in a locked car in February to get away from Rochelle, Rochelle started beating on the car for her baby. My MiL claims that the people who called the cops over reacted, and none of it was Rochelle's fault. The scary thing is, if something had happened to the baby, she STILL would have claimed none of it was Rochelle's fault.


Be thankful your brother has no children of his own to jeprodize, but that doesn't mean he isn't a physical threat to children around him. If you can knock around dad, why not knock around others? People with addiction problems such as he has are not in full control of their actions at anytime, and possess almost no control once the drug of choice enters their system. They don't stop and think about consequences, and in this case, don't have any to really worry about.

Mad parents or not, if you want to help him, you'll call yourself. He needs more than a brief 10 day stay in rehab. He needs to have a wake up call splashed in his face while lying scared in a jail cell, uncertain what's going to happen to him.

again, thank you big big, all! :) I realized last night that this story my have dredged up some very powerful and painful emotions for many of you out there. i did not mean to hurt anyone, i didn't think of what the consequences would be for someone who read this and had gone through it, or worse, lost someone close because of drug abuse. i guess it was a liitle selfish of me to go one for so long but i truly just wanted to vent and get advice. if i hurt anyone please know that i am sorry.:(

Darlin' I'll bet most feel as I do. If sorting through the painful memories can help someone living through it now, dredge away. A few sobs and tears are a small price to offer comfort to a friend. Even one I haven't met.

We've gone through other discussions of negative things in a person's life at the site and most of us are here because we want to be of help to others, as well as a fun perv now and then ...

One of the biggest things to learn in dealing with any such painful issues is that you are not alone ... there are many others who have gone through similar things and the more you are aware of that and the more you are able to open up about such things, the closer you come to getting beyond them causing so much pain. Vent as and how you need ... in public or by PM ... whichever you are most comfortable with. :)

In the first Harry Potter movie, their is a statement that while it takes courage to stand up to your enemies, it takes a good deal more to stand up to your friends. The same can hold true for standing up to family members.

I have a brother that was physically abusive to a g/f that was a friend of my g/f. My Mom tried to play it off like it wasn't that serious, and then she says, "Blood is thicker than water", meaning I should stand up for my brother. I simply told her that he did something wrong and I could not stand up for him. I could support him in getting help or counseling, but I could not enable his abuse behaviour.

I think if you have to trade the wrath of your parents in exchange for your brother getting well, then you should. Your parents will get over it eventually. (Hopefully) Some times you have to do what you feel is right, regardless of what your parents think.

Good luck!