sharing your partner and love, does one effect the other
 

Ok I am not real sure how to ask this, so I will just say it and see how it comes out.
My wife and I have had a couple of conversations about my fantasy of her having sex with other men. This is something that will NEVER happen in my marriage. My wife will not consider this and for a few very good reasons. One of which is she had an affair several years ago, and the guilt she carries from this is something that she will probably never get over. She knows the biggest part of this ordeal that I could not handle was her lies and deception, not the fact that she cheated on me. Now I am perfectly alright with my fantasy remaining a fantasy, this is something that I do not need to have fulfilled. It is just fun to play with while I am using our sex toys on her or while I am away and thinking about while she is masturbating. I would never consider pushing her into something that she does not want to do whole heartedly.
Ok now that we have covered the back ground info, let’s get on to the current dilemma. This came up during a talk about the hardships that we have experienced and overcome in our marriage, which we have grown closer together as a result of. Well one of the topics was the affair, now like I said earlier she is scared more from this than I am. Well she went on to mentioned that she can not understand how, I could be willing to permit her to have sex with someone else if I loved her as much as I claim to, and that if I really was willing to let that happen I must not truly love her. I tried to explain that for me it is not a matter of, or proof of how much I love her. That it was a desire to see her acting in a sexually wanton and explicit way. That it is a turn on for me to think of her as a person whose sexual needs can not be satisfied by just one person.
Well the conversation went around and around in circles for a while before we moved on to talk about other things. We did not argued and fight about this, we just talked it over. But afterwards while thinking things over I felt terrible that have caused my wife to doubt my love. While I can see and understand where she is coming from, deep inside of me I have no question about the strength of my love. So how can I reassure my wife that I really do love her, how can I put her fears to rest that the role playing/fantasy that we do in bed in no way lessens my feelings for her.

I hope everyone can understand that rambling.

Dude, it's all about the bling-bling...
diamonds, gold, goldcard, whatever.
Nothin shows a chick you care more than
a pretty green portrait of Ben Franklin!!!!!!

Ok ok, I'll TRY to be serious for a minute.
Drop the whole subject, at least for now.
Lots of underlying stuff here...issues of trust,
questions of loyalty, fear of hurt or being hurt.
I bet, somewhere deep down inside worries that
your "fantasy" could someday escalate to, perhaps,
you wanting another woman in the bedroom. She
may be worried that it would be a bit of vindictiveness
on your part...getting back at her. Christ, I don't know...
women are complicated as hell!!!!!!!!!!! Just lay
low for a while...it's good that you're communicating,
but sounds like LOTS of other not-so-fun issues need
to be resolved.

Yes..one does affect the other.

Speaking from experience here, I allowed another woman to join in the bedroom activities with my EX husband and I (notice the EX)...while I enjoyed some aspects of the encounter, I found myself hurt and in the living room crying while the two of them carried on. The whole experience made me feel like I was not enough for him.

While this was not the sole reason for the end of our marriage, I had a very hard time feeling wanted and desireable after the incident.

Not sure if this makes any sense....just my 2 cents worth.


ck

I can't let this pass...........and pardon me for saying so, as I know everyone has an opinion........but I disagree with the above statements!

I've read and rearead your plight. I can understand your S/O's questions and yours as well hitachi. Firstly......it's HER guilt that makes her question YOUR love for her. She stepped out and was founded out (no matter how) and therefore, in her mind, she had doubts (at the time) of her love for you. So, if you are willing to share her now (for whatever reason.....and I do not judge the reason), then in her heart and mind she is reminded of your commitment to one another and the feeling you must have felt when you discovered her disloyalty.

Being a woman I feel I can speak on behalf of why we think men are from mars and women.....venus! I have sex (except in one instance) with my heart as well as my genitals. I think (and correct me if I am wrong) men will have sex for the sake of sex! If this statement makes sense to you hitachi..........then you now understand your S/O's feelings!

Hope this helps! Communication is the key....and it seems to me you have the key......just keep turning it!

Thanks for your response Lixychick, I was beginning to wonder if the people at pixes where afraid of the tough questions.
You are right my wife was questioning her love for me at the time of the affair, we both where. We married very young and had our first child just a year later, so we where a little overwhelmed with life and where wondering if all this was not a big mistake. I new that I wanted us to stay together, but was having trouble dealing with all the new changes. We just got so tied up in work and the baby that we stopped paying attention to each other, as a result we drifted apart. Well after she turned 21 she started to go out to the bars with her friends from work. I could not go because of the baby, well to shorten things up some she told me she had feelings for this older man she worked with, she told me she wanted to have sex with him, she had only had 1 other partner besides myself. Now I was not to happy about this because has bad as our marriage had been going I was afraid she would leave me outright, so we talked it over and I gave her permission to be with this older guy. After they had been together she told me it all had been a big mistake and that she was sorry and it would never happen again. I was ok with this situation and was relived that it was over. Wrong after a couple of weeks she started to see this guy again outside of work, she assured me that they where just friends and that it was just a group of people from work. Well that’s where the lies and deception started they saw each other for about a year be fore he got to possessive of her and started to push her into leaving me so they could get married. That’s when she finally woke up and realized what she was doing and broke things off. Now I knew each time they went out or saw each other whether it was at his place or ours, she keep assuring me nothing was going on that they only slept together the one time of course it was all bullshit and we fought about it all the time. There was plenty of evidence they where having sex, she even slipped one night and called me his name. Well again to shorten things up, once she made up her mind and decided to break it off she sit me down one night and told me everything. We talked about how we both felt, we cried a lot, we made up, but we never just forgot about it and pretended that it never happened. I mean that would just be another lie, I tell my wife all the time that they way I look at the world is that I regret nothing in life the bad thing that happen to a person helps define who we are just as much as the good things. I tell her that my love for her grows each day and how I love her more now than the day we married. And since she experienced this ordeal it has made an impact on who she is today. I would not change one thing about her.
I understand what you mean about projecting her feelings and doubts onto me, I have repeatedly told her I don’t feel the same way she does about what happed. But I suppose its human nature to judge others by ones own beliefs.
Our life together is stronger than ever and we have no doubt that we will not spend to rest of our lives with each other. It just kind of stabs you in the heart when your other half questions your love.

Well it is late and I am going to bed, thanks again for listening lixychick.

Hitachi, LixyChick, what you are talking about is love - and I can't believe that our cultural values allow a person to love two others equally. So don't even think about it, and certainly don't give permission for an affair i.e. sex + love outside marriage.

On the other hand, if you are sitting on the sofa and she is giving your dick the lollipop treatment, you could say 'Honey, we should have brought that guy home from the pub to fill the other end of you while you're giving me a good time'. That has nothing to do with love outside marriage, and the other guy is just a warm dildo for your mutual pleasures. Just make sure you show him the door afterwards and take her to bed for a cuddle and more sex.

Monogamy is not the natural state for any Ape. Some try to justify it through divine approval or cultural dogma, but in the end the committment to it rests with the individuals. Once and if this committment has been accepted by both parties then it may be safe to explore ideas that seem contradictory to the commitment. I used to have these thoughts FFM and MMF - for me I think it was the Ape coming out.

I have found that you need to be either very together with yourselves or grown up and experienced to reach this point. Most people under thirty that I have met (and I include myself) are still kids and do not have a real understanding and acceptance of who they are and what they want truly from their life experience.

It's not wrong to get married young, but it is difficult - good luck Hitachi, you seem to be taking the right approach to your challenges

I think this may be a damaged spot in your relationship - you've forgiven, & begun the healing - but nobody's gonna forget...a comparison might be made in that there are may of us pervs here who enjoy a little "non-consensual" fantasy now & then, but to anyone who had endured the real life brutality of rape, that may never be a game they could enjoy...could be your wife is afraid of ever going anywhere near that pain again, even in her deepest fantasies...
just my 2 cents...

Geeeez this is so familiar. In my marriage and divorce there was an indiscression. I couldn't have given permission, no way. It must take some serious confidence to consider that, although I can see the thought of saving the relationship by allowing some freedom. The deal as I see though is a catch 22. You allowed it, interpetted as indifference. You stayed with it to prove your loyalty to her and she doubts you. I think the biggest part of that is simply she hasn't forgiven herself. The genderal planet thing to me isn't exactly how I see it. Communication can overcome the differences. The trick is to say it so they percieve what you mean. I wish you the best. It sounds like she has the most determined, loyal partner around. She should come to see that.
ohhhhh and Lixy darlin, we don't ALL think with our "little heads". Some of us actually have connections from our genitalia to our hearts. No offense intended. You're a lovely insightful lady. I agree with your input and dearly love your posts. It seems the reason women think all men have sex for the sake of sex is because the sensitive guys are largely overlooked. smooches Hon.. luvs ya still.

My wife and I, both have a fantasy that involves something like this but don't know if we could do it just for the fun of it.

Sounds like she is mixing up opening your marriage with cheating and deceit. They are very different and not related unless one partner(or both) cannot keep loving and sexing apart. Inviting another man and/or woman into your sex life is way different than discovering someone hiding, waiting for you to leave your spouse in the morning. But I agree, your spouse and perhaps you as well need to heal more from her affair. Don't risk your relationship for the sake of slaps and tickles. Work more on the glue first.

There could be considerable irony here Hitachi. You did not consent to her cheating, and because of that experience she may not now wish to consent to your fantasy.