Nothing's wrong
 

I've written a mini-series trying to figure out what to ask. I've lost touch with my S/O. Not that we don't talk, it just seems what I say isn't what she hears. Something is amiss but when I ask what's wrong, it's nothing. WTF is nothing???????? Do I just silently watch as nothing is all that's left? I'm at a loss, is there a secret to finding out? :confused:

Not unless your significant other happens to be a woman. :whiteghos

That'll be $25, payable in 30 days.:)

BigBear....

(((Hugs)))

Before I found myself on the journey I am on... I was a woman who often replied "Nothing" when my then husband asked what was wrong.... this being the case.. I can only tell you from my experience... do NOT stop asking and trying to discover what the "nothing" is..

Yes, in the perfect world, partners could easily explain and understand the inner workings of others... but this is not a perfect world.

I highly recommend that you pointedly ask her. Explain to her your concerns, that you "sense" that there is something bothering her and as her partner you would like the opportunity to help in "fixing" it. You can't be held responsible for what you don't know is broken...

I wish you well... HUGS.. I know how frustrating it must be...

Thanks PF and Jenna. I think I may have stumbled on a possibility here. I've never really mentioned posting to her but for no reason in general, hell I used my longtime nic. Could it be that my meanderings about past experiences have caused uncertainty? She was the one who told me about Pixies. So it's a good chance she's seen but why not just say "Hey you dumbass, I don't like you saying stuff like that" I may be grabbing at straws too.

BigBear...

Just ask her... sit with her.. take her out to dinner... have dinner waiting for her at home.. with some candles lit.. open a bottle of bubbly... and SHARE with her.... just get the ball rolling... be open and honest... about your feelings... about you sensing that she is ill at ease with something on her mind... encourage her to share it with you in a non-threatening manner.. and I am certain that she will...

HUGS

Nothing means.............I need to know you care enough to find out!

You took the words right out of my mouth Lilith :)

My wife can be this way (she says she is not this way). I just have to work at it. I take a deep breath, remind myself that relationships are hard work (but worth it) and get myself ready for some emotional gyrations.

For me "reflection" usually works.

It goes like this:

{my observation} leads me to believe {my guess as to what's in your head}

So:

Honey, you seem down lately I'm wondering/thinking/concerned that you think I've been doing/not doing whatever.

No? Well you do seem down, could it be you're thinking this other thing?

Gee, you seem angry at me, could it be your thinking I'm on the internet too much?

I find if I show real concern for our relationship and just keep "reflecting" ("now you seem worried, is there something wrong") after a dozen guesses she'll usually pop and start spewing all the things that are in her head.

Usually it's damn painful to listen too - lots of "you do this, you do that, you're always causing me trouble" talk. I just hold on for the ride. Keep cool. Don't panic. Then reflect it all back: "so when I did such-n-such you were thinking I did it because blah."

Work on focusing each issue so you see it from her viewpoint and you can reflect it back to her in a way she agrees with.

It goes on and on. Then I pick out the valid things (somewhere in there there is usually a few valid things) and I set my mind to fix them. I tell her I'm sorry. Then I work on getting her to see the valid things from my standpoint.

When I did this I was thinking this other thing, I wasn't meaning to cause you this problem.

On it goes.

This has got me through 10 years but time is still young. Ask me in another 40 if it really works.

Good luck.

Wow, great advice, sn250s.

I find myself saying "nothing" when I don't care to discuss things with that certain person anymore but if you take people's advice and get the ball rolling, I'm guessing that will help immensely.

The meaning of the word nothing in the eyes of a woman is that something is wrong and you should be on your toes. Woman used the word nothing to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down and backwards one by one or all at the same time.

And what Lilith said.

sn250s-
From Stephs' response, you are serious with that?

That really makes sense to you?
:confused:

PF - who said it was supposed to make sense? ;)

If you are referring to sn250's response making sense...it does. It is also called mirroring, it is a communication tool, taught by therapists. It is supposed keep you on track so you don't go off on tangents, which typically happens when people start spewing accusatory comments ie...you always, you never etc...Instead of retorting w/ more comments from your perspective you are to focus by mirroring. For example, "If I am understanding you correctly....(insert what they just said).

His idea of guessing what is going on is a good way to get this dialogue going. But the real purpose of mirroring is to make the other person feel "heard" and "understood".

Just remember that us guys will never never never never never never never never never get this.

If we have to learn that "no" means no, you have to learn that "nothing" means "nothing".

If you want us to fix something, ask us :p