Best way to end the marriage ????
 

Hi All,
I put a thread on a while back about a loveless marriage ,well now i have met someone else , never felt this way about anyone before she is so special dont think ive ever felt like this about any woman before like a little lovesick teenager and she feels the same about me ,only problem is she is married as well and not happy either , im sure a few of you out there have been in a similar situation.???????? need some advice.
how do i tell the wife / what should i do - think im going mad.
1. Tell the truth :eek:
2. Just say dont love her and should move out. :rolleyes:
3. Stay for the kids sake but will always regret it , after meeting someone so special.
4. Just wait till she throws me out.

blueraider...

First let me say first.. that I understand that love isn't easy.. nor is it easy keeping a marriage together... I wish you luck in whatever you choose... I do believe that everyone does deserve happiness... and I hope that you find yours... before it is too late..

Please don't consider my words for anything more than they are worth... just my opinion...

Why wait until she throws you out? So that she can look like the bad guy? That is a good option... NOT.

Stay for the kids sake? So that they can grow up in a home where there is virtually no display of genuine love and affection? Children who are raised in homes such as that have no idea on how to build functioning loving relationships in their future.. you learn by what you see.. what you experience... Don't think you are doing your kids any favor... what your children deserve is to see their parents happy (together or apart) in loving happy relationships.

Just say you don't love her and move out? Sorry... but in my opinion that is chicken way out.. leaving your spouse behind clueless... so that she will shoulder the blame in her own mind.. the what ifs.. the coulda's.. the shoulda's.. not to mention... from that point forward there will always be a part of her that will believe that EVERY man will do that to her... that she is unworthy..

Tell the truth? Of all the options you posed, this is the ONLY one that has any possible chance of a amiciable outcome. She deserves the truth.. no matter the reasons why the love you had for her once has died.. she has given you beautiful children and years of her life. The least she deserves is the honest truth. It is the only chance you have of getting to the point (down the road) where she won't HATE you for your choices. In time, with the truth.. she will be able to move on with her life... leave the bitterness behind... and find happiness on her terms.

The very least you owe your wife and children are honesty.

Another note on honesty.....
This new lady.... how will she ever be able to believe you.. unless you display honesty and integrity in your life? If you walk away from your wife without explainations and with lies... how is this new wonderful woman going to ever COMPLETELY trust that you won't do the same to her?

Just food for thought...

Thanks for you views
 

I have been going mad wondering how do i tell her , what should i say, lie so as not to hurt her , tell the truth might be right ??? thanks anyway.

I would say to tell the truth.It's not easy but,usually,one lie,leads to another,
so that the first will be believed.After 39yrs,of marriage,I can only say,that
a long term relationship & mutual respect,must be based on TRUTH! Irish

It is good to tell the truth, but be gentle about it. You did not give us enough information, in my opinion. How old are you? Have you tried counselling with your wife? Is there a chance of reconcilliation. My opinion for what it is worth, is to explore all the options of staying together, and then move out. Then I would live alone till you get some things setteled in your head, and then pursue this girl. If it is true love will stand the test of time. Also she probably needs to sort some stuff out too. Just don't be too hasty.

I know what you are feeling...
 

I am going through an almost identical dilemma myself, and do not have the answers either. Therefore, I will be reading the advice right along with you! Best of luck man, it is a VERY tough situation that we are in!!!

I'd say the truth will be the only way out, if only because it's impossible to keep your lies straight...if you find a good way out that doesn't hurt everybody involved, please let us all know, based on my experience there ain't no good way...

The truth shall set you free...and lies and deception only cause more pain.

Amen.

Well, I hate to be the odd one out here.

No offense here, like someone else said, this is just my opinion. But it's a sharp one and a little harsh.

First, what the hell were you doing talking to someone, or being close to someone when you have a wife? What in your mind, at any time, made this okay? No matter what kind of thrill you are getting from it, it is WRONG. And, this is true of both of you.. if you will do it once, then you will do it again. Your girlfriend now knows you will freely, willingly, and without hesitation screw around on your wife, the only thing that will change is who the wife is. When you get tired of her, then what? How do you think she can live with you, knowing you are not able to be faithful? How can you be with her, knowing she is not able to be faithful?

There will always be, in life, someone sexier, someone smarter, someone funnier. No matter who you are with, even this woman whom "you've never felt anything like this before" for, will become familiar after you've been together. She will become mundane, every day, so-so. Her bad habits will become appearant again, the rose colored glasses will fall away, and you'll be full circle again.

Love is extremely hard work, and frankly, if you are out fucking around on your wife, it's work you're not willing to put in. You want that thrill? You're going to have to either find it again with whom you are with (even if you leave for this woman, you'll have to revive this feeling later with HER, too), or you will have woman after woman until you are old and hateful because no woman has ever been "good enough" to keep you interested.

Part of your thrill is doing something forbidden. And now, you are asking us to support your desire to take the easy way out and go grab the thrill, ruin the lives of your wife, your children, your girlfriend's life (how will she feel when you are doing the same thing in 5 or 10 years to her?), and her husband's life. As well as THEIR children's lives if they have them.

The fact of the matter is, that part of you that is thrilled by screwing around behind your family's back will not magically go away.

Don't expect that when you are living with your new sweety, she will be equally as attractive for the rest of your life. She will become as familiar and annoying in her own way as your current wife.

If you are not willing to put in the work of a relationship, then you are not willing to put in the work of a relationship. It's that simple, and I for one, will not support your desire to go start the cycle again just because someone outside your marriage has caught your dick's fancy. You are infatuated with this other woman. When the infatuation is gone, and infatuation ALWAYS GOES, you will be out looking for infatuation again.

You are like so many millions of people who divorce. You are looking for someone to maintain the infatuatous giddy feeling. It will NEVER EVER happen unless you WORK YOUR ASS OFF for it, and you are obviously not willing to.

Does your wife deserve this? Is she a BAD person? Has she screwed around on you? Is she evil, is she abusive? If she has not done something extreme, and has merely drifted away, it is because YOU LET HER GO as much as she went away.

Decide now what kind of person you are. It will set the precendent for your life and your relationships to come.

Sweetlady~ he asked for advice not approval or condemnation. We have no idea about the aspects of his life/marriage. It was a general question...truth or lie? A full scale attack hardly seems appropriate. Maybe you should read around a bit to see that typically while we make our opinions known and try to give advice, most do so with out trying to tear the person down for the choices they make in their life.

Holy shit!My 92yr old,Catholic,mother is posting here.I didn't even know that
she knew what pixies was! Irish

I agree it was pretty condeming, but she has some things right. Like it does take work! I personally don't think another partner should ever be the reason for leaving. Differences, fear of spouce, alcoholism, abuse (mental included) are all reasons for leaving...but another person to facilitate that is just plain wrong.

Some of us are aware he had previously posted about his marriage, before anyone else was involved.

http://216.150.92.84/forums/showthread.php?t=20628

He asked for advice, I gave him advice. It's honest advice and just as valid. I don't believe he will feel good about himself if he does this. I don't believe he will be happy a few years down the road when the infatuation is gone, and he finds two wives, two lives, gone. And his first wife, who gave so much to him and to his children will be beyond his reach when he wakes up.

Someone has to care enough about his pride, his self-dignity, and his future, to say something. Life isn't always kind, and love is NEVER an easy simple thing. Love is a difficult life decision that you have to stick to, even when you desperately want to give up.

I still am standing by the fact that he should be honest, explore all options. Not saying he shouldn't leave...am saying another person should not facilitate that.

SuzyQ---Whether you know it or not,there are all different kinds of alcoholism.I'm a recovering alcoholic(over 12yrs)and I never physically abused
my wife or daughters & never missed a day at work(from alcohol)Some alcoholics should be left.Thankfully,my wife weighed,the good versus the bad
& decided that I was worth staying with.I'm sorry,but I hate steriotypes,&
you hit a sore spot! Irish

Actually, why do so many marriages collapse nowdays? Because there is no longer any stigma associated with divorce. Oh, you don't like her anymore? Okay, go find a new one. There's no expectation put on people to stick it out and make it work. Instant gratification is the flavor of the day. And lives are torn apart and wrecked and tossed aside in the drive for a thrill.

Real love isn't thrilling unless you make it thrilling. Love takes work and dedication.

And honestly, people are miserable because they don't stick to things. They don't work to keep what they have, they just want bigger, better, faster, harder. There is always a bigger fish.

Our parents and grandparents were not always wrong. And some of their ideals, like those of dedication and sticking with it, are true, noble, worthy ideals that should not be lost. Just because they are our parent's ideals doesn't make them wrong or bad. We are nto children anymore, to rebel simply on principle, even against things that are good and should be kept.

Do you not care that one day he will realize what he has done? Do you not care that one day, he must face this again when the infatuation is gone again? Do you WANT him to one day realize that he is just reliving the same pattern over and over and to be miserable? Care enough to be honest, care enough to stand and tell him that it's not taht simple. Instant gratification never lasts.

Real, genuine love, lasts. Infatuation is just fun, and only for a while.

Sorry Irish, didn't mean to...I know lots of recovering alcoholics..who have saved their marraige...Forgive me, hon.

Sweetlady: Divorce has never been mentioned in our house...murder maybe!

And before you all condem me for this...is a joke!

To acuse people of not caring simply cause they do not publicly condemn someone is ludacris. Do you know what happens to people who need support and advice and all they get is bitched at and told how wrong they are????? I do and I had to make a post about it a week ago.

Do you think it truly helps the underlying cause/ aspects of the situation? I am not going to argue with you because I have seen that many of your posts have this similar tone, so it's obviously just that you have a very different opinion than I do about how people should be treated. You don't know him or anyone else here well enough to tell them that you know what the only answer is. We all offer suggestions and opinions but most know that the most important thing is to keep communication open for people here and just chewing people out does not facilitate that. A public chastising closes people down and causes them to feel defensive or stop talking. It's why in general the people here avoid it. And that's why people turn to us for help.

SuzyQ---No need to be sorry.I just wanted to set the record straight,because
,so many,people,think that everyone is the same.I had to go to,State mandated,AA meetings.You wouldn't believe,the different types,of people!
I have,also,been to many ,90day,VA & private programs.Many people,picture
a dishevaled(sp?)man,needing a shave,in a trenchcoat,with,a bottle,in a paper bag.Wrong!There are Priests,lawyers,housewives,etc.It affects ALL
walks of life! Irish

Okay. Only happy agreeing opinions are acceptable. Check.

I agree that another partner should never be the reason for leaving. However, another partner might very well end up being the final straw that prompts one to get out of a failed marriage. I see these as two very different cases.

But, back to the point.....(happy to talk about love, life, divorce and what is or isn't allowed around here...but don't wanna on this guy's dime)

I think you've got two different questions to answer before this conversation happens. The first is "what do I tell her" and the other is "how do I tell her." Two different things. What you tell her should be honest. I have to believe that's always best.

But it's just as important to tell her gently. And what the hell do I mean by that? Allow me to illustrate with an example from my family (one of the things a big, complicated soap opera of a family is useful for):

My Dad's second marriage was ending. It needed to end. Counciling wasn't gonna help. Trying harder wasn't going to help. These two people were making each other miserable....maybe they should never have gotten married, but that was beside the point. They definately needed to get divorced. But my step-monster was a hateful kinda person. She wanted to hurt my father on her way out the door....don't know why....but she did it. And she did it with a version of the truth. I won't include all of it, but he really had been better not knowing all the things she'd done in the time they'd been together. The one thing that strikes me as relevant here is that she told him she'd never been faithful in all the time they'd been maried. 10 years, and she'd always had something on the side.

She said it to hurt him. And it did. It devistated him. And it was true. I don't think it had to be said. I think she owed it to him to let him know she was moving in with someone else....but not that he was better in bed, made her feel wonderful, made her feel the time she spend with Dad was wasted life. She could have chosen to keep the details to herself.

So I agree with all and sundry above...if this has to happen (and I'm not going one way or the other on that one)....it has to be honest. But you owe this woman more than that. You owe her gentleness. While you can't lie about the fact that you're suddenly going to be involved with another woman (especially as you have, if I remember rightly, kids from the previous relationship), don't make that the centerpoint of your departure. It shouldn't be, if it's just highlighted what were already fatal flaws.

Don't get me wrong, there's no way to do this without hurting her. Unless she's secretly been looking for a way to tell you the same thing, you're gonna hurt her. Insofar as hurting people is bad, you're gonna be the bad guy. But if you're convinced that it has to be done, then you have to look on it as surgury rather than assault. Do as little harm as necessary. If the point is that you want to be the best person/father you can be, and that you can't be that in this marriage...tell her that. It's not a judgement of her, you're not saying she's a bad person, it's just not working out. If you have to do it, then be a man about it. Take your hits. Deal with the fact that she's gonna be angry. Deal with the fact that she may have every right to be angry at you. Don't rise to it. Just weather the storm until it comes time to deal with the details. If you've got kids together, you're always going to be a part of each other's lives...like it or not. It's better for everyone, especially the kids, if the break can be kept from getting ugly and personally hurtful.

I've had a child's eye view of many divorces, one way and another. And while I don't regret any one of them, I do believe divorce is necessary for a lot of different reasons...including incompatability, I appreciate fully that some are worse than others. And what yours will be like will depend a lot on how you handle this first step.

Peace to you and yours, however you wind up handling it.

G

You need to look at the real world, not an illusion.

My wife comes from a culture with a far more traditional view of marriage. She used to be horrified at the amount of divorce she saw here. However, as the years have gone by she's come to see that it works better than what she was used to.

Yes, divorce is common here. There's nobody here we know with a working marriage that's lasted longer than ours. (There are some people we have drifted out of contact with that very well might still be married.) However, looking over her relatives--there's only one divorce. However, there's also only one working marriage. There's one who is living with someone other than their spouse (contrary to the law there, he could go to jail for it.)
What's better--to divorce and find someone you can be happy with, or to remain in a failed marrriage and ensure that neither of you are happy?

I was hoping someone would notice that I said there was no easy way out...this I know from nearly 30 years of my own marriage, & that nearly all our friends have been thru divorces...some several times. Some marriages just can't be saved, & it's hard to stay & just as hard to go...& while the truth should never be used as a weopon,(as GingerV described in her dad's case) I can say that the only way my own marriage has lasted this long is that we always were able to face the harsh truths about ourselves when push came to shove...

I haven't posted to this thread, mainly because I gave my thoughts on his previous one, but I have to say that I don't think it's ever been said here at pixies that you have to just give happy agreeing opinions, just that you don't go slamming away at people ....

You've made some very good points Sweetlady, however if the points are made in the form of an attack, then they won't reach their mark. I think if you honestly read the various other posts to this thread you will see that the opinions expressed are not all happy and agreeing ones, but they do recognize that this man is the one who has to live his life and deal with the consequences of his decisions.

Personally, I'd like to see all marriages work out, but I know it is not always possible, and when a person asks for some helpful advise like this, we don't necessarily know all of what went on before to bring him to this request.

In my own life, my parents were married for 27 years, all of them that I remember were horrendous, a lot of yelling and fighting, none of it physical, but left scars in all of our lives ... my mother finally met a good man, when they met they both were "married" though both were also "separated" (though not officially) ... to my knowledge, though they fell in love, they didn't have sex while still married to their existing partners, but still most would view their relationship as "cheating". When my stepfather died a few years ago, the 2 of them had been together for just over 27 years as well - all of them happy, all of them committed and not necessarily easy. Their marriage is the one I look to when I try to define a "happy marriage" ... Just because a person ends up leaving a marriage, doesn't mean the decision was the wrong one. Sometimes it is the only viable decision and though in this case we have only been given some of the details, it doesn't mean we can assume we know the entire situation that has brought him to ask for advise.

#1, everytime.

Whatever you do you're going to hurt someone, you'd may as well face up to your responsibilities and tell her the whole situation - she'll end up finding out sooner or later anyway, and at least you will keep some dignity and respect if you're a man about it.

When you tell her she's going to be upset and she's going to say hurtful things and I suggest that you take it, rather than trying to defend your position. After all, you are in the wrong, by having been unfaithful, so there's not point in trying to justify yourself or lay the blame at her door.

We can't help the way we feel and it's futile trying to resist it, so I suggest you try to make the cleanest break you can, and hope that in time your wife will see that you did the best you could under the circumstances. She'll at least be glad that she didn't catch you out or hear from someone else, which would be the ultimate humiliation for her.

Good luck and I hope you and your new woman can make a good start in your new life together.

Never was that said or implied...

We ask other's here for advice and expect honesty. Here's an example...

If I post a pic of myself in tight jeans and ask, "Do you think my stomach sticks out to far over my belt?", I expect something an opinion like, "Yes... maybe you should try a baggier look."

What I would not expect is something along the lines of, "What are you thinking? You're a fat cow. You're obviously lazy and don't care about yourself very much."

Bottom line...

Honest opinion = OK

Judgement and condemnation = NOT OK

I love my wife, and we love our children. Am I happy? Damn good question and depending on the day, week, month & year, the answer can vary from Definately, Pretty much, Somewhat or a flat out No I'm miserable. That's what marriage is like. I respect the vows I took and I try my best to make it work...every day. Some days I need to try harder than others.

That having been said, if ever a time comes when the answer to that question is always No I'm miserable, and I feel like I'm the only one trying, I'm going start thinking about how unhealthy our relationship has become. Unhealthy for me, her and our children. We owe it to ourselves, each other and the entire family to do what we need to do for the best possible outcome for everyone involved and if that means splitting up, then that's what we need to consider.

I do believe in honesty with your partner though. Mrs. WI once told me "If you fall in love with someone else, please tell me. Don't cheat on me, it would kill me. Just be honest with me." and that's something I've always remembered. If we ever get to the point where we discover it's not good for us or for the kids that we stay together, I would expect us to discuss it openly and though the fur may fly initially...we would figure out together what to do.

And as for only happily agreeing opinions mattering...well, I'm sorry I said those mean things Aqua. I'm jealous of your hair and sometimes I get spiteful.

LMAO......Thanks for the much needed humour injection into this thread WI, and everything else you said was right on the mark too, in my opinion. :)

Thanks for all your advise
 

Thanks for all your advise i get the feeling sweetlady has had it happen to her ???,sounds a very bitter hurt person.
Firstly if you realised that you and your partner had out grown your marriage and you were both unhappy and were only together because of your kidz is that right ???, how could you look back in say 5 / 10 yrs and think we should have done this and we should have done that but stayed together just for the kidz and been bloody miserable , you only live once and if your not happy you change it, life is what you make it, as for the kidz im still their dad and always will be i want to be with them everyday but i`ll be happier and i know the wife will be happy no argueing etc fresh start.
all i asked was ive made my new start is there a easy way to break it to the mrs.

There's been a lot of emotion expressed in this reply.

If the two of you are unhappy enough that the marriage must end, let it be so.

Say that the marriage is dead and leave mention of others out of it.

Anger, spite, score-settling and all other hurtful things are best buried under the first tears.

The quicker you are healed, the sooner you can be in a healthy relationship.

There is no good way to end a marriage.

Try the least bad.

i cant beleive all this. :rolleyes:

hows this for a different scenario, lets go back to the beginning of this whole thing. he's not happy, he meets another married woman who is not happy. he needs advice. :cool:

well i'm in a similar situation only i've a married woman having an affair with a married man and have been for 2 years, comdemn me all you want but i live for the passion we feel. :love:

i left my husband a few months ago, not in the hopes that my married man would leave his wife, but for myself. :) the marriage was over a long time ago.

my man, well, his wife had been having a suspected affair for a few years now and this suspected affair only recently became proven as fact. :grope:

he was going to leave prior to finding out but didnt want to look like the ahole in this, (this would of been his way out but she broke down and told him everything,) he hasnt told her about us mind you, but has decided that he needs to give her another chance. he has all but ended our relationship. :eek:

now who would of figured eh? :(

guess who the devestated one is?

anyway, look theres more than just one person involved here, not only his family, but hers as well, maybe for her this is just a fling, maybe his wife isnt happy either, maybe shes having an affair as well. who knows.

its time to go to your wife, without saying anything about the affair right off the bat, and talk, talk a lot. find out why your not happy, can changes be easily made?, does she feel the same as you do? and if she does then ask yourself what purpose will it serve to tell her about your affair. If she thinks its over too, becasue she is not happy. let it go. walk away friends.

if it turns out that the things wrong in your relationship are easily fixable, and you discover that deep down after this talk that you really love your wife, walk away from this woman, she will understand, shes already committed.

if i were in your shoes i would never divulge the affair, until you are sure of the new friendship you have developed.

(which in my case i didnt until my husband and i had been separated 3 months and were on the path to being good friends. i was so devestated the night my man broke it off, my husband was the one who held me together as my best friend, because he knew me best.)

of course theres that chance she wont want to be your friend,..so then who gives a rat's a** tell all!! :jester:

either way,..good luck!

I'm glad it worked out well for you, Misteria, but personally I would be honest with my ex. Women aren't fools, and if she suspects something, you can guarantee that she'll find out sooner or later. The least you can do is give her the respect of being honest with her.

I split up with my ex, for many very good reasons, but we split when I started communicating with someone I worked with and he made me realise that I was not getting what I needed out of the current relationship. I'd never even met this guy in the flesh, so when my ex asked me if I was seeing someone else, I said 'no'. When he found out a few weeks later, by reading my e-mail (he was in the processing of moving out of our house, and still had access to my computer) it caused so much trouble. I should have told him how it was from the beginning - it was wrong of me to be deceitful.

I am troubled by the line "True love lasts".

Does this mean that if it doesn't last therefore it wasn't true love?

How are we supposed to know what true love is?

Are we responsible for getting it wrong when we are a bit more than kids?

I see Love having different backbones at different stages of your life - it starts off with passion/infatuation but then your biochemistry changes and you need to be synced with your partner to move into friendship and respect with (hopefully some passion) but finally the deepest friendship bond is what I see holding couples together to their dieing days.

Life is very difficult and we don't get any practice.

Good luck.