Is She Cheating? Please Help.
 

Hi all, i need some advise. My finance and I have been together for over 2 1/2 years. We have both been divorced once. She works in a male dominated profession as a civil engineer. Before we got together, she has had a male coworker that is a very good friend. They have never been physical, but he definitely has feelings for her. On their last business trip, when several of them were eating out and having a few beers, they were walking back to the hotel. He mentioned to her that she could take her shower for the evening in his room. She laughed it off and called me to tell me. The other day, early in the morning he called her on her cell phone while we were getting ready to go to work. I did not think anything by it as he calls a couple times a week. He has taken a promotion and no longer works out of the same office.
The problem arises when i get a text message on my cell that she meant to send to him. It reads, "Good Morning! Sorry I couldn't talk this morning but C (insert my name) was there. But, anyway, I really do miss you. It was ok when I knew you were just upstairs. Have a good day."

When i confronted her about it, she said that the text was taken out of context. That he had said to her on a message yesterday that he missed seeing her and going to lunch together. She was just saying that she missed having him around too.

Should i believe and continue to trust her? Or am i jusified in my doubts in her and think about ending this.

Please any help would be greatly appreciated.

The message seems to be innocent enough....No remards of sexual innuendos or anything...

But you never know..I would definetely speak to her..(communication is the key)..and just come right out and ask her if she is having an affair with this fellow....Or if you feel brave enough talk to him man to man..as mature adults.

Or...like the saying goes..."If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was."


I wish you the best of luck..... :)

You should have a serious discussion with her. The text message could be innocent but if you have feeling it's not, you deserve peace of mind that can only come from discussing it with her.

Jealousy is just wrong, what good will confronting her do, if she lied to you once she will just do it again, you worrying about it only makes you bothered by it not her....if you just keep loving her like you were before then you have done right.

Only you know what you need to do to sleep at night. If you can't let it go, you're going to have to talk to her. But I'd be careful about how you put it, "I don't trust you" is a pretty big bat to swing at someone you've asked to share your life. You can do damage with it.

But let me ask a different sort of question (ones I don't want or expect the answers to, just things for you to think about)....are you the sort who often suspects his girlfriends of sleeping around on him? Was cheating somehow involved in your divorce or in previous breakups? Is this the only reason you have to doubt her? Because if you're piling up some yes's here....you might be projecting doubt onto a perfectly solid relationship....and you might need to do some work on your own place in the relationship. It's not entirely uncommon for people who have been burned before to develop "sudden suspicions" as a way of distancing/protecting themselves from deepening feelings/vulnerability. Not saying it's true, just a thought.

Re: Is She Cheating? Please Help.
 

These are not compatible.:cool:

either you trust her.. or you don't. Without trust... what good is the relationship??

Ask her, if she denies it then trust in her and put your doubts to rest... if you can't do that... then maybe it is best to walk away now.. before you find yourself divorced twice.

I've started to reply to this thread so many times and have stopped!

There are wise words above........some of which I agree with and some of which I don't......but there are some really good questions you need to ask yourself as well!

The one and only question that hasn't been asked of you (of which, does not require a public reply) is.......

All the incidences leading up to this hasn't bothered you (ie: his keeping contact with her and calling a few times weekly and knowing full well he is attracted to her and asking her to shower in his room....etc. etc. etc.).......but this one (her cell message) seems monumental (even life altering)........why?

As I said....I had a hard time replying to this thread.....(for personal reasons).....but I wanted to put that question out there...for you to ponder! Good Luck and Welcum to the wonderful world of Pixies!!!

I rather suspect something is up.



This is what bothers me. If there's something she can talk about with him but not if you are there there's a problem!

My $$ goes on the YES vote. Unless its your birthday where you turn 25, 30, 40, 50 etc, there is no real reason to text a message saying "I can't talk because <name> is here" or whatever. Honestly, ask yourself (everyone) if you text/told/phoned someone that you couldn't talk because your other half was there, would it really be for the right reason? What could possibly need to be said in private that you couldn't openly discuss with your other half in your presence?

Anyway, I know most won't agree judging by previous posts. Sorry about that, but unless he's wacky about girlfriends cheating on him, I'd place my bet on it. Women, like men, can have weak moments (although I suspect us guys have a lower weakness threshold) and do the "wrong" thing. You can get worn down by the constant badgering and just give in.

Another option you may try without confrontation or other heartbreaking mind wringing is to try a P.I. An investigator can do a lot of work on your behalf. Go on with your life as normal. If she's cheating, you'll have evidence. If not, you get evidence for peace of mind.

just to shed some light on things. when she told you about the proposal about him, how did you take it? did you get jealous and grumpy or laugh it off? maybe depending on how you reacted whenever he is brought up, that is why she said she couldn't talk because of you?

granted that it sucks that she has to hide her calls talking to him from you, but i had a roomate once who's boyfriend would go balistic whenever her ex called her. now, she had everything in check, no feelings for him but wanted to be his friend, but her bf at the time would go crazy whenever he found out the ex called.

so, that being said as with everyone else so far, do what you feel you must. and if you can trust her then do so.

ask yourself if it matters in the long run. The important question are the 2 of you happy the way your relationship is now. if either of you were not then there is a bigger problem with the relationship and that is what you would need to talk about. stay focused in the now because what you create in your mind may become reality in the future.

Sheila and I have discussed this question -- and I would like to say that we trust each other as much as anyone could, she palys her games with people, as do I (mostly openly, and in front of each other), however, we do not go any further, without talking of it first. We are very much in agreement before anything is ventured. I understand, however, that most relationships are not this open. I really have to agree with pantyfanatic on this point --- the cell phone message would make anyone (including us) suspicious.
Best advise is to decide for yourself how well you trust her. I do also agree, that trust is the basis for any good relationship (as a close second would be open/honest disscussion, -- on ANY subject)

Best wishes for you !!!
John/Sheila

I don't know your age.If you are younger,I can understand some
mistrust(doubt)Actually,I have found that,NO matter what your age,without trust,you don't have a relationship!It took me years
to realise that!I agree mostly with Jennaflower but as said,just ask her! Irish
P.S.Some people can share & it doesn't bother them.I CAN'T!

If your head is already lost over this, either walk out or shut up.

Trust needs to be absolute or you'll screw up the relationship

if she hasn't first.

What?

Even if he trusts her implicitly, that doesn't mean SHE is trustworthy.

He could trust her with all his heart and soul, and she could still be doing the wild monkey dance with this guy every chance she gets.

I have to speak from some experience on this subject here:

My BF and I, not to long ago, had this same situation. He had a good friend that he talked to on a regular basis that I knew about. One night, just fidgeting around, I find a text message on his phone to this chick that says "Call me when you are not busy and no one is around. I really need to talk to you badly" Then he ends this text message with some pathetic little typed picture of a rose (i.e. ---/---<@) Anyway, I tried to put this out of my head and that worked for about 10 minutes. I was just burning inside wanting to know what was up with this text message. So I confronted him and he, of course, said it was nothing and that I was making a "mountain out of a mole hill". Whatever - that still wasn't good enough for me.

I finally came to the following conclusion and told him that he either accept this one or live without me. I made a deal with him that I could play and snoop on his phone whenever I got ready (I mean, if he is not hiding anything then what's the big deal). I told him that I wanted to continue to be able to do this checking until I felt comfortable about the situation. He agreed and I checked a few times and saw nothing out of the ordinary, its been happy living ever since.

Good luck and hang in there - but also know when to call buddy if she is really messing around.

I can understand your doubts. Every relationship I have been in has doubts, because it is human nature to be suspicious.

What makes love so wonderful is that doubts can be overcome. Your partner has told you it is nothing and I think your love and trust for your partner should make you believe that.

There are things in my marriage that my partner doesn't know and there are things that I discuss with my friends that I wouldn't discuss with my wife (or in front of my wife for that matter!)

It could be something as innocent as a suprise party.

LindaP.... I agree... just because one trusts their partner, doesn't mean that their partner is worthy of it. BUT... without that trust.. that relationship is POINTLESS.

Lack of trust.. causes horrible effects... stress.... guilt... accusations... hurt... worry... paranoia... none of these things are good for the relationship.. or the overall wellness of the person who isn't able to trust...

Yeah, but if a person is betraying that trust, and you find out about it, you are better off by yourself.

It saves you a lot of heartache later.

I'd be very suspicious of "Can't talk now"