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Stop me if you have heard this......
It's another joke thread
A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel." |
A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research.
He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer and proceeded to explain to him why he was there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?" The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. We all screwed it and took it back home." "I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?" After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home." Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever happened around here that made you sad?" The old farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said, "I got lost once." |
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looks around the shop and says, 'About 2 hours.' The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, 'How long before I get a haircut?' The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, 'About 2 hours.' The guy leaves. A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, 'How long before I can get a haircut?' The barber looks around the shop an says, 'About an hour and half.' The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop, and says, 'Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes.' In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, 'Bill where did he go when he left here?' Bill looked up and said, 'To your house.' |
Any of you ladies like donuts?
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts. Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A. She is the one who can eat the last donut! |
Last one for now
Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they're dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he's unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of ONE, TWO, THREE...HUH! all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, How did it go? The first whispers back: It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed |
*LOL*
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Three old guys who have been institutionalized for most of their lives were being evaluated by the home's psychicatrist.I am going to ask you each a few questions and write your answers on my clip board.So he ask the first old man if he knew what 3x3 was.Sure Doc.it's 276.He asked the second man what is 3x3.It's Tuesday Doc. The third man answered 9 Doc.Why that is right.Do you know how you arrived at the answer? Sure Doc.I subtracted 276 from Tuesday.
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ROTFLMAO
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ABRAHAM LINCOLN
An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago." |
A brunette walks into a bar and says, "Gimme an ML."
The bartender says, " What's an ML?" She says, " A Miller Light." Another Brunette walks in and says, "Gimme a BL." The bartender says, "What's a BL?" She says, "Bud Light." A dumb blonde walks in and says, "Gimme a 15." The bar tender says," What's a fifteen?" She says," 7&7, duh!" |
25 SIGNS THAT PROVE - "YOU'VE GROWN UP"
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those damn kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is not for playing games. 24. You no longer drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you. |
TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED
10. No one ever steals your chair. 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk. 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 6. You want to see if it's like the dream. 5. To stop that creepy ENGINEER guy from looking down your blouse. 4. "I'd love to chip in... but I left my wallet in my pants." 3. Inventive way to finally meet that 'special' person in Human Resources. 2. Can take advantage of your computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. And...drum roll... the Number One reason to go to work naked: 1. Your boss will never say, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" ever again. |
BROKEN LEG
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted. I said, "No, everything is fine." "Are you sure?" she asked. "I'm sure," I said. "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" |
LESSER KNOWN HUSSEIN RELATIVES
Now that Uday & Qusay have been eliminated , a lot of the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities. Among the brothers: Sooflay ..................the restauranteur Guday................... the half-Australian brother Huray.................... the sports fanatic Bejay......................the gay brother Kuntay & Kintay.....the twins from the African mother Sayhay....................the baseball player Ojay........................the stalker / murderer Gulay......................the singer / entertainer Ebay.......................the internet czar Biliray......................the country music star Ecksray...................the radiologist Puray.......................the blender factory owner Regay......................the half-Jamaican brother Tupay......................the one with bad hair: Among the sisters: Pusay.......................the 'loose' 22 yr old Lattay........................the coffee shop owner Bufay.........................the 300 pound sister Dushay......................the clean sister Phayray.....................the zoo worker in the gorilla house Sapheway..................the grocery store owner Ollay..........................the half-mexican sister Gudlay........................the prostitute More will no doubt be discovered. |
Words of Wisdom
WORDS OF WISDOM
1. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. 2. Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 3. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, Well, that's not going to happen. 4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday...lying in hospitals, dying of nothing. 5. The other night I ate at a real family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. 6. Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days, no one talks about seeing UFO's like they used to. 7. According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars. 8. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. 9. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 10. Have you noticed that a slight tax increase costs you two hundred dollars, and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? 11. In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 12. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 13. There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 15. You read about all these terrorists--most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster: you're two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration. 16. Every teenager should get a high school education. Even if they already know everything. 17. If you're playing a poker game and you look around the table and can't tell who the sucker is, it's you. 18. You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs then you lean too far and you almost fall over backwards but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time. 19. I'm not 40-something. I'm $39.95, plus shipping and handling. 20. Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner." |
How "real" Men Bathe A Cat
1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo. 3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut. 4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and washing motions. Drink beer while waiting. 5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat. 6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up their ass. 7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting. * This is fiction - You couldn't get a man to scrub a toilet. ***This IS a joke*** |
Joke ~ PAY BACKS
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head." |
The Little Bird
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and then ate him. The Morals of the Story are: 1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3. When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut! |
An Old Man, A Boy And A Donkey
There was an old man, a boy and a donkey. They were going to town and it was decided that the boy should ride.
As they went along they passed some people who thought that it was a shame for the boy to ride and the old man to walk. The old man and boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they changed positions. Later, they passed some more people who thought that it was a real shame for that man to make such a small boy walk. The two decided that maybe they should both walk. Soon they passed some people who thought that it was stupid to walk when they had a donkey to ride. The man and the boy decided maybe the best thing would be for them both to ride the donkey. Soon, they passed a group who thought that it was a shame to put such a load on a poor helpless animal. The old man and the boy decided that maybe the critics were right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed a bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. The Moral of the Story: If you try to please everyone, you will eventually lose your ass! |
Joke ~ WHAT A DAY!
Dear God:
Yesterday was an awful day for me... My husband ran off with his secretary, My son pierced his eyebrow, My daughter tattooed the bald spot on her head, My dog mated with the neighbors cat, My neighbor sold her house to a mental institution, My Mom told me I was adopted, My Dad told me he's gay, My boss told me I was laid off, My sister was arrested for prostitution, My house has termites, My car was stolen, All that came in the mail was bills, A plane, crash landed on my garage, OJ Simpson came to my door selling rug cleaner, And my TV blew. Lord, please be with me today. I was able to live through all that misery yesterday. And I will be able to make it through anything today! But please.... DON'T LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO MY COMPUTER!!!!! AMEN |
A little poem
I DON'T WANNA
I don't wanna do the dishes I don't wanna do the wash I sprinkled clothes a week ago And now my iron is lost! I don't wanna rattle pots I don't wanna rattle pans I see the mail light flashin' I wanna chat with friends! Oh the tables need some dustin' and the floor could sure be mopped But I know if I get started there'll be no place to stop. The closets are so full things are falling off the shelves I wish for cleaning fairies and magic little elves. They could sprinkle fairy dust and twitch their little nose The windows would be sparkling I would have no dirty clothes. Oh I know that I'm just dreamin' My head is in the sky I must cook that meat that's greying and bake that apple pie. The Hubby needs a bath Doggy needs attention Oh.. the other way around I mean my brain is in suspension. I am runnin' round in circles I am gettin' nothin' done, I keep thinking of my web I am missing all the fun! Well I know I'm not addicted though I hear that all the time But I guess this stuff can wait on me Cause Today I'll Be On Line!!! |
The User's Prayer
Dear God,
Help me log on without fretting Guide me as I'm interneting Bless my downloading and uploading Keep my browser from exploding. May my website be protected Let not my password be rejected Keep my line connection clear...... and let tech support be always near! Please keep all my programs alive, and be sure to back up my hard drive! And protect my puter from catching ......a virus and end up crashing! Amen |
Four Bells
A man who worked for the fire department came home form work and told his wife, " You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire department. When bell 1 rings,we all put our coats on. When bell 2 rings, we all slide down the pole. When bell 3 rings, we are on the truck and ready to go. From now on we are going to run this house the same way. when I say bell 1, you strip naked, bell 2, you jump into bed, bell 3, we are going to screw all night........."
The next night he came home from work and yelled, " Bell 1!" and his wife immediately took all her clothes off. "Bell 2!", and she jumped into bed. "Bell 3 ", and they began to screw. After 2 minutes, she yelled, "Bell 4!!" The husband said, "What the hell is Bell 4?!?!" " MORE HOSE!" SHE SAID, " YOU AIN'T NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!!!!" |
Italian Mother
Mrs. Ferrara comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner...who lives with a female roommate Vikki…
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates." About a week later, Vikki came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner; I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" “Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Anthony Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Momma, which read: Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now. Love, Momma. |
Several jokes for you ladies
Conversations
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world" The woman says, "I'll miss you." _______________________ "It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?" "Probably that I married you for your money," she replied. _______________________ He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly. She said - Well, you succeeded. ______________________ He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea...you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. _______________________ He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror ______________________ Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man? A: A rumor ____________________ One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to her. "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?" He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma." And they say blondes are dumb.... _______________________ A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands. The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger....... Whoosh....immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy! _______________________ A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST: She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton. |
To The Fart...
At times it is silent, at times it is not
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot! When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out it hides and it waits till you're out and about! The evil ones reek and embarrass us so then laugh as they trail us wherever we go! I know it's a function we can't live without, but on a first date must they really come out?? Men light them on fire - it amuses them so women fight to be quiet so that no one will know. I can't figure why after eating good food the smell that results could kill many a dude! So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end! |
Okay, one more set of jokes ...
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! ~ "Unknown" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." |
Oh oh, now my troubles begin ...
One dismal rainy night, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered. "Union Station," answered the woman. "You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are uou looking at, driver?" "Well ma'am, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare." The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?" |
=====>Jokes<=====
Let's get all our giggles in one place!
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The Beer Prayer
Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink, Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as I am in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us, and lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers, For thine is the beer, The bitter and the lager, Forever and ever, Barmen. |
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked. Not knowing quite how to explain, she said, "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs." Still unsure but willing, he agreed. As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip roaring fart. "What the hell was that?!! he asked. "OOPS! I'm sorry! Let's try again", she said. On the second attempt the very same thing happened. He immediately got up and started getting dressed. "Where are you going?" she asked. The man replied, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!!" |
Sorry Skip
What's the defintion of a bastard? A guy who screws you all night with a 4 inch penis and kisses you goodbye with a 12 inch tounge! |
At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses. They ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland Islands. It shakes the coach. Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous. She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses...." |
LMAO, what a wonderful way to start the morning!
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3 guys are sitting in a bathtub. One of them sees some semen floating in the water and says, "Who farted?"
A kid walks into a grocery store and asks the shopkeepr, "Do you have any laundry detergent?" The owner tell's him yes and asks what kind of laundry he'll be doing. The kid replies, "Not laundry, I'm washing my dog." The owner chuckles a bit, then gets some laundry detergent for him and tells the boy, "Be careful, this stuff is strong." The next day the boy comes back and the owner asks him how his dog is. The boy informs the owner that his dog is dead. The owner says to the boy, "I told you that stuff was strong." The boy replies, "No, I think it was the rense cycle that got'im." This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench. The man decides that this is the perfect opportunity for a proposal. The man gets up and bends down on one knee. He looks deeply into the womans eyes and says, "Two questions, my dear: first, will you marry me?" The woman is overjoyed and happily agrees and asks, "What is the second question?" The man replies, "Will you help me up?" |
A little joke that goes a little with this Thread.
Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife,Alma, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed, and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?" Alma agrees and again they make love. Later, when Paul was getting into bed, he realised he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep. Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. "Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't." |
The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN! DOPEY FUCKED A PENGUIN!"
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2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace" "Yeah what's it called?" "Viens a moi" "Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?" At this stage the assistant offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me'" Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying..... "That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?"
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Not sure if I saw this one on the board before...
_________________- A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Yes, she did....." "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you....." |
The manager was having difficulty with profits and fixed costs, so there was only one solution - more layoffs. But there were only two possibilities - Jack and Mary. This was going to be a hard decision - they were both excellent workers, and equally qualified - but one had to go. He was obviously going to have to interview them both and then decide.
So he called Mary in first. "I'm sorry," he began, "I've got some bad news. I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." She looked at him for a moment in silence then replied: "Well, can you jack off, I've got a terrible headache?" |
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