Nothing's wrong
 

I've written a mini-series trying to figure out what to ask. I've lost touch with my S/O. Not that we don't talk, it just seems what I say isn't what she hears. Something is amiss but when I ask what's wrong, it's nothing. WTF is nothing???????? Do I just silently watch as nothing is all that's left? I'm at a loss, is there a secret to finding out? :confused:

Not unless your significant other happens to be a woman. :whiteghos

That'll be $25, payable in 30 days.:)

BigBear....

(((Hugs)))

Before I found myself on the journey I am on... I was a woman who often replied "Nothing" when my then husband asked what was wrong.... this being the case.. I can only tell you from my experience... do NOT stop asking and trying to discover what the "nothing" is..

Yes, in the perfect world, partners could easily explain and understand the inner workings of others... but this is not a perfect world.

I highly recommend that you pointedly ask her. Explain to her your concerns, that you "sense" that there is something bothering her and as her partner you would like the opportunity to help in "fixing" it. You can't be held responsible for what you don't know is broken...

I wish you well... HUGS.. I know how frustrating it must be...

Thanks PF and Jenna. I think I may have stumbled on a possibility here. I've never really mentioned posting to her but for no reason in general, hell I used my longtime nic. Could it be that my meanderings about past experiences have caused uncertainty? She was the one who told me about Pixies. So it's a good chance she's seen but why not just say "Hey you dumbass, I don't like you saying stuff like that" I may be grabbing at straws too.

BigBear...

Just ask her... sit with her.. take her out to dinner... have dinner waiting for her at home.. with some candles lit.. open a bottle of bubbly... and SHARE with her.... just get the ball rolling... be open and honest... about your feelings... about you sensing that she is ill at ease with something on her mind... encourage her to share it with you in a non-threatening manner.. and I am certain that she will...

HUGS

Nothing means.............I need to know you care enough to find out!

You took the words right out of my mouth Lilith :)

My wife can be this way (she says she is not this way). I just have to work at it. I take a deep breath, remind myself that relationships are hard work (but worth it) and get myself ready for some emotional gyrations.

For me "reflection" usually works.

It goes like this:

{my observation} leads me to believe {my guess as to what's in your head}

So:

Honey, you seem down lately I'm wondering/thinking/concerned that you think I've been doing/not doing whatever.

No? Well you do seem down, could it be you're thinking this other thing?

Gee, you seem angry at me, could it be your thinking I'm on the internet too much?

I find if I show real concern for our relationship and just keep "reflecting" ("now you seem worried, is there something wrong") after a dozen guesses she'll usually pop and start spewing all the things that are in her head.

Usually it's damn painful to listen too - lots of "you do this, you do that, you're always causing me trouble" talk. I just hold on for the ride. Keep cool. Don't panic. Then reflect it all back: "so when I did such-n-such you were thinking I did it because blah."

Work on focusing each issue so you see it from her viewpoint and you can reflect it back to her in a way she agrees with.

It goes on and on. Then I pick out the valid things (somewhere in there there is usually a few valid things) and I set my mind to fix them. I tell her I'm sorry. Then I work on getting her to see the valid things from my standpoint.

When I did this I was thinking this other thing, I wasn't meaning to cause you this problem.

On it goes.

This has got me through 10 years but time is still young. Ask me in another 40 if it really works.

Good luck.

Wow, great advice, sn250s.

I find myself saying "nothing" when I don't care to discuss things with that certain person anymore but if you take people's advice and get the ball rolling, I'm guessing that will help immensely.

The meaning of the word nothing in the eyes of a woman is that something is wrong and you should be on your toes. Woman used the word nothing to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down and backwards one by one or all at the same time.

And what Lilith said.

sn250s-
From Stephs' response, you are serious with that?

That really makes sense to you?
:confused:

PF - who said it was supposed to make sense? ;)

If you are referring to sn250's response making sense...it does. It is also called mirroring, it is a communication tool, taught by therapists. It is supposed keep you on track so you don't go off on tangents, which typically happens when people start spewing accusatory comments ie...you always, you never etc...Instead of retorting w/ more comments from your perspective you are to focus by mirroring. For example, "If I am understanding you correctly....(insert what they just said).

His idea of guessing what is going on is a good way to get this dialogue going. But the real purpose of mirroring is to make the other person feel "heard" and "understood".

Just remember that us guys will never never never never never never never never never get this.

If we have to learn that "no" means no, you have to learn that "nothing" means "nothing".

If you want us to fix something, ask us :p

That I believe!
 

:rolleyes:




Serious-
Could you flowchart that process please?:confused:

Typical!
 

WE DON"T WANT IT FIXED. (usually) Most women want you to shut up and listen, just sit there and pay attention. We are not your Auto, not your stereo, your computer. Don't try to make it better just sit there and let us know you're listening. Men only talk about problems so someone else will fix it, women talk about problems so they can figure out their own way to fix it. Shifting a car out of neutral is always shifting out of neutral, Women are more like an automatic Trans, you just put the bastard in Drive and sit back and watch where it takes you, Men are like a manual, keep your hand on the stick(and don't forget the clutch), stay away from the gas, and manipulate every 10 MPH faster or slower you go.

Just my views

Kyttn

EUREKA !!!:D
I think we found it!:)

Don’t have a clue to what it is or what to do with it,:confused: …………..but this has the feel of at least being a large part of the mystery.
I kind of feel like this could be the DNA double helix of relationships.:rolleyes:

Re: Typical!
 

WE DON"T WANT IT FIXED. (usually)<< But we're raised to fix things! And we're raised by women!

Most women want you to shut up and listen, just sit there and pay attention.<< Have you ever seen a man that you respect sit there and take it?

keep your hand on the stick<<D :D :) :D :yellghst: :D

You must be confused, Seriousfun. maybe you're raised to fix objects, but it's harder to fix people. I was raised by my dad and can fix a car, or damn near anything else but I know when to shut up......at least when it comes to real life, in here I probably talk too much.

Sit there and take what? my bitching, complaining groaning and bellyacheing? damn right. but of course I am one helluva scary bitch...... most people don't cross me >)
it's not like I'm swinging with a baseball bat.

Kyttn

Yes, I am confused. Often!

It might or might not be harder to fix people than objects. People can be fixed with a look, a touch, a smell, even a thought.

My own personal philosophy, however, is that we can't fix anything or anyone except by living our life the way we want the world to be.

Men feel things deeper, and longer, than women. Controversial? Every study on the subject supports this. The yak yak yak at us about everything, coupled with the bitterness when our attempts to respond in the way that we are taught and wired, chips away at any relationship. Women often forget that they are in a 2-way, not a 1-way, relationship and what you put out into the universe (whether in love or war) comes right back atcha, tenfold.

It took me too many years to figure out that a man who sits there and takes the bitching, complaining groaning and bellyacheing is never respected by a woman. And a woman who dishes this out without thinking of the consequences is never respected. We have to use these tools for good, not evil.

And, swing away, Kyttn, I'm not afraid of you!

Holy smokes, I didn't mean to incite a heated genderal debate. I was in essence just hoping for the kind of thing Jenna and Sn offered. Truth is, the question wasn't really what does she mean, it should have been am I tired enough to turn away. I was exasperated and angry. We've gotten back on track, but oddly enough with no answers to speak of. I'm not an argumentive person, I was trying to make sense of a sudden drastic change..... logic is NOT my friend sometimes. Nothing simply meant she was dealing with a lot and wasn't in any shape to cope and discuss it with me because she knew I'd freak.... sometimes those damn trees just get in the way.

Big-bear, I'm doing my best to stay on topic and not take over your thread. The -sometimes heated- exchange of ideas is one of my favourite bits about Pixies.

Serious Fun: maybe you should be...... >grin<

Serious Fun "">>>>>It might or might not be harder to fix people than objects. People can be fixed with a look, a touch, a smell, even a thought. <<<<<" but it takes the same things so send someone over the edge.

BigBear: I sympathize with you (been there...), and I don't mean to hijack your thread; I'm tryin' to keep it on-topic.

I have never had a great experience with a counselor, but it seems like a third-person opinion might help you understand what she is not saying, and help her understand what you're not hearing. Until you both take a step up in understanding, the relationship will slowly drain with each exchange.

And Kyttn, I just think you need a spankin'

SeriousFun I really think my wife is more equipped to "spank" me. But I always though a good beating with a buggy-whip would benefit you immensely. (Rhett Butler, Gone with the Wind for those who recognize the idea)

Southernly always,

Kyttn

Wading back in . . . I did like the mirroring advice. I'm a solitary soul and would rather reply "nothing" when asked if something is wrong. I think a lot. Spend a lot of time writing. These avenues are how I figure out things.

Men in my life have tried to yell at me to talk and I retreat. If someone sat down calmly with me, I'd be more willing to discuss things.

"What's wrong?" can be taken many different ways, depending on the tone of voice used.

BigBear57 - If you want it set right then give it a shot. Just keep yourself relaxed (no matter how crazy it gets) and help her to start talking.

Steph said "calmly" and that's always been key for me.

Everyone's different so it's hard to say what'll happen.

The hardest part for me is keeping my cool - this kind of thing usually hurts. If the hurt gets bad enough a simple "Babe, this hurts" statement usually helps her to soften it a bit.

Have you thought she is depressed about something ... or that she needs something and yet doesn't know what it is, So she might answer nothing because she doesn't knowwhat is wrong herselff......

Oh well I've tried a calm talk and she won't stay calm. She's so defensive it bites. My time keeps getting less and less and it's not me so....... I give up. I just don't think it'll smooth over this time. I know I'm no bully or bad guy, damnit I won't be treated like one just to please anybody. When understanding and simple talk goes awry..... folks Papa always said there's another rooster in that there henhouse, and I don't do 2nd fiddle any more.

Try a week end away from ALL distractions, if that is something she might like. Show her you appreciate her friendship - you can even tell her you love her, if you can force the words out!

Word of warning; it is an unfortunate product of female/male interaction that women sometimes fight to dominate their men - and then lose all respect for them because they have been dominated. Catch 22 - sorry but there it is. Very difficult to get out of but you could make it clear (gently) what you will and will not do, and then stick to it. Helps if you can induce her to admit to being part of the problem.

Heart felt wishes of good luck. You HAVE to make this work together. Desperation on your part is a sure-fire killer.

A note from the female perspective: men love me for being independent and free-spirited at the start of a relationship but a lot of these same men become possessive and controlling.

Perhaps it's just human nature and not a female thing or a male thing?

EricTheRed >>>>>you can even tell her you love her, if you can force the words out! <<<<< I would not suggest lieing to her and if those words must be forced out then they must be a lie.
as for the women fighting to dominate....... Damn I don't know who the women are you guys know but you must know some majorly evil bitches. independent, strong-willed thats one thing but total domination (Lil being the exception ;) ) The funny thing is that most of the guys I've dated (note most not all) have taken it upon themselves to "tame" me. As though I were some wild beast, whereas the women have accepted and ---dare I say it---Loved me for who and how I am, fat, loud, opinionated, and at times a bit violent....

Always,
Kyttn

No - not necessarily - it's just that some of us ole cowboys are too shy or stupid to say what we feel.....

Well it matters not now me thinks, I've heard those poison words of finality " it's not you, it's me" anybody who's ever heard those knows where they stand immediately.

yep you are right! ((((hugs)))) accept and move on. Must mean something better is ahead:)