That's the theory, apparently with relatives.

THE MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

He writes:

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.

"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? I don't think so

THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ANY CRISIS

* Indecision is the key to flexibility.

* There is always one more son-of-a-b---- than you counted on.

* There is absolutely NO substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

* Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

* Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

* The facts, although they may be interesting, are irrelevant.

* The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.

* Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

* Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

* Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.

* Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

* I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

* Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

* This is probably as bad as it can get, but don’t count on it.

* If you think that there’s good in everyone, you haven’t met everyone.

* All other things equal, fat people use more soap.

* If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

* By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

* Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak.... He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Within a few seconds a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and
discharged...shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK, the damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buck shot.

The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your
penis. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad," the man replied "is your brother a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony....He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
pee in your eyes"

^^^^^ OMG! :roflmao:

An oldie, but worth the re-post.


How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes





HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food & beer.

Just saw this. very funny, sadly clean.

http://www.watchersweb.com/submissi...41199234382.wmv

^^ At last! :wine: ^^

Non-alcoholic lager is like licking your sisters pussy - the taste is the same, but it just isn't right.


A blonde wakes up to find her house is on fire so, in a most un-blonde fashion, immediately phones 999. She is put through to the Fire Brigade who ask,

"How do we get there, love?"

"Hellooooooo," she replies, "In a big red fucking TRUCK!"


"Won't you kiss me, doctor?" asked the beautiful woman

"No," he replied, "it would be against my code of ethics".

"Please," she begged, "just one little kiss".

"No, it's completely out of the question" he went on, "in fact, I shouldn't really be having sex with you".........................



A lad walks into his parents bedroom to find his dad giving his mum a good 'seeing to'. Dad, far from being embarrassed, merely laughs, throws a pillow at the lad, and tells him to "get out".

Several hours later, the dad hears loud squeals and moans emanating from his sons bedroom. Wondering what the Hell is happening, he rushes into the room to find the lad giving his granny one!

Horrified, the dad can only stand and stare horrified at the lad as he snarls,

"Not so funny when it's your mum, is it?"

So wrong on about 37 different levels.

But dang funny!!

True.

*Bunnings has everything!*

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,'
Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong
and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper
than a
Doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and
takes it to Bunnings.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,

Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the
results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
(Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a
solicitor.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never
get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings

From the master himself.


BILLY CONNOLLY'S CHAIN LETTER


Hello, my name is Billy and I suffer from guilt for not forwarding 50
billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe if you send them on, a poor six
year old girl in Scotland with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it
removed before her redneck parents sell her to a travelling freak show.

And, do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000?
How stupid are we?

Ooooh, lookyhere! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by a model I just happen to run into
the next day! What a bunch of bullshit.

Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep
for not continuing a chain letter that was started by St Peter in 5AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrim
stowaways on the Endeavour. Fuck 'em!! If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow
receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times.

I don't fucking care.

Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards.
Chances are, it's our own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or
luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on.

Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied
to the arse of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive
if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous
and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Billy Connolly

P.S: Send me 15 bucks and then fuck off

CIRCUMCISED...THIS IS PRICELESS
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his weenie hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till Noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

KIDS - DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???