One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzy, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzy," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.

"Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, fucking beautiful!'"

1455

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.

Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

1456

1457

Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and
soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"

Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got
jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead.

Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with
her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs."

"Very good, William," said the teacher.

"My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice,"
replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.

"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"

"It'll teach those Indians not to f*** with the Lone Ranger,"

1458

1459

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air.

When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny.

A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming, and if it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

{I'm almost ashamed to post this one... he he he}
1460

Every night, Joe would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rank. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 4th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time, he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Joe didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Joe and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Joe went to see his doctor. He explained the events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.

"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."

{Whilst this is credited to Neil Armstrong, it is not actually true, it is, however, pretty funny.}

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.

Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Just last year, (on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his
neighbor's bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Oral sex? You want oral sex?! You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"



--1461--

Okay, yeah, that's bad. :D

{here's another winner}

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*** the cat. "

1463

1464

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after twenty minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decide to use a deaf and dumb person for this job; if he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place. The mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector.

The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the mafia drags the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where da money is." The interpreter signs, "Where's da money?"

The deaf signs, "I don't know what you're talking about."

The interpreter tells the hood,"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about"

The hood pulls out a .38 and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."

The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"

The deaf signs, "The $50,000 is in the tree stump in the north east part of Central Park near the pond."

The interpreter looks to the hood and says, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the balls to pull the trigger."

1465

1466

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

1467
{one of my all time favorites...}

There were three Eskimos in a local Alaskan bar, talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.

At the first Eskimo's igloo, he said, "Watch this!" He poured a cup of water into the air. The water froze in midair and fell onto the floor. "Not bad," agreed the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

At the second Eskimo's igloo, he said, "Watch this!" He took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.

At the third Eskimo's igloo, he said, "Watch this!" He went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. Putting it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it was sufficiently heated, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

He won.

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:

10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first


--1468--

1469

Feeling Stressed Out?

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are softly chirpingin the crisp cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.

Look. It's the person who caused you all this stress in the first place.

What a pleasant surprise.

You let them up...

just for a quick breath...

then ploop!..

back under they go...

You allow yourself as many deep breaths as you want.

There now...

feeling better?